I was in the wrong, AIBU to be disappointed anyway?

[DopamineDeficient]

About a month ago I went for an over 40s health check. The healthcare assistant who performed it was genuinely lovely and chatty and put me at ease, I remember leaving the appointment thinking he has a lovely bedside manner. During the conversation it came out that he is 27.

A month later I was in work and a friend request popped up and it was from the practitioner. I remembered his name and accepted.

About an hour later my DH asked me who this new guy was on my Facebook, I told him who it was and all hell broke lose.

Durning the course of the evening I fully accepted that I shouldn't have accepted, I was in the wrong, gave a genuine apology and deleted him. I explained I hadn't really given any thought to it beyond, oh yes I know who that is, accept and carry on with my day. However I can see how it looked to my husband and I was sorry for hurting him.

So far I guess I am unreasonable. However I don't necessarily think it was a huge deal and a conversation and an apology should have sufficed.

Now I have spent the last couple of years studying for a chartered qualification and my final exam result was due on Wednesday. We were so busy still arguing about this friend request that my husband didn't even ask me how I got on, wish me luck or acknowledge it was results day at all.

On Thursday he checked my phone to see if I had passed but still didn't mention it. Friday in amongst many emails still berating me for my terrible behaviour he finally emailed me to congratulate me on passing.

The weekend came and went and not a single mention in person of the massive thing I have achieved. He didn't even mentioned n it to his mum, (his mum is in the same field and has been very interested in my progress).

So my AIBU to be disappointed that a whole week later he is still arguing about this friend request to the extent that we haven't mentioned let alone celebrated my achievement?

I just feel very flat. I am not saying I wasn't in the wrong originally but I feel it was blown out of all proportion and totally ruined something that should have been a huge deal for me.

LTB. He's nuts. I had a sulky ex, put up with it too long. It's exhausting. Saying you don't know the rules, that's just crazy. He's rude, immature and controlling.

Good grief!
Please leave him! I have loads of men on my facebook and I talk to whomever I want!

He is ultra controlling.
Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life??
Really?

You are in a good position. Just leave, rent a room and push forward until the divorce is final and property is divided. You don’t have to speak to him again, hire a solicitor.

I’m confused - what are you in the wrong for?

Fucking hell … like wtaf??? I’m so confused here OP!! I filtered merely your replies… have you read what you’ve written… can you logically in anyway think it’s acceptable to be treated like this?

Firstly, bloody huge congrats on your recent passing of the chartership. Flipping amazing. Look at you!!! You’re bright, you’re successful - you earn an amazing salary. You are a professional. You are a clever, wonderful woman.

Secondly, I’ll put to one side what the HCP did as being unprofessional as in a way in grateful he did it cos it made you post on here for advice

Thirdly - now this is big… your ‘D’H is one coercive, controlling, insecure, manipulative, cruel piece of work. And you my lady deserve so much fucking more in life. Because you are one hell of a queen.

Now boot him out and live your life!

OP, you say you have recently bought a new house and feel exhausted and worn down and cannot face the thought of a divorce, which I can understand. But the real question for you is - can you go on living like this? Your husband sounds controlling, abusive and quite frankly unhinged.

You walk on eggshells and live in fear of the repercussions of breaking his unwritten and constantly changing "rules". He clearly has no respect for you or he could not behave like this. He is emotionally abusive.

Imagine your life in 10 years time. You could be an even more fearful, worn down version of who you are now saying yes sir, no sir 3 bags full sir, or you could be your own woman, in a home of your own growing older and living only by your own rules. He will not get better or change but he may well get even worse. You say you are not financially dependant on him, so get out now before you feel even less able to break away from this coercive control.

I cannot tell you the relief I felt escaping a man very like your husband. Everything about my life improved. Please don't settle for this as you life. Sending love and support - oh and huge congratulations on passing your exams, well done!

I would be asking why your husband clearly doesn't trust you - is it because he plays away from home as if often the case with possessive relationships?

The health worker absolutely should not have added you as a friend though - that is hugely crossing a line

Can you not see that this is controlling behaviour?

The hassle of the divorce will be worth it not to have to put up with this man anymore.

All the men in this situation are incredibly inappropriate. WTF was this employee doing? He was inappropriate. Your husband was correct to think so. However, he is also a controlling jealous nutter. He checks your phone? Please consider leaving him for a happier, healthier relationship with a man who actually likes you. He seems to also be threatened by your success which tracks.

Your husband is a cock and you should think about whether you want the rest of your life to be like this.
But the health care "professional" is also a cock and he absolutely should not have been searching for his patients on social media and sending friend requests.

You’re describing a controlling and abusive relationship. Have you ever done any education around domestic abuse? If not I suggest you start with doing the freedom programme online, and read why does he do that.

2 huge red flags here.

A month later I was in work and a friend request popped up and it was from the practitioner. I remembered his name and accepted

A HCP should never do this, completely inappropriate. You shouldn’t have accepted him, you should have reported him as this is a breech and goodness knows what else ye is doing, so best people have eyes on him.

About an hour later my DH asked me who this new guy was on my Facebook, I told him who it was and all hell broke lose

That’s abusive and controlling. My DH would have zero idea who I have as contacts as he’s not an abusive husband.

'I actually have a really good job and earn twice what my husband does.'

and that is the problem in your marriage.

Your 'd'h is very controlling as to whom you can and can't have as ' friends ' on social media.

I suspect he is controlling in many other ways.

Op you are out of his league and you earn a lot more money than he does. He desperately wants to keep you for the financial benefits and the fact that you make him look good. But at the same time you highlight his inferiority which makes him feel threatened, leading him to become domineering and aggressive.

Somebody who constantly accuses you of cheating is often cheating themself (or trying to). Your marriage sounds toxic, how can either of you be happy? Calling you names (vile, disgusting) is abusive and definitely being done to punish you.

I actually do think it is a bit weird both to send and to accept a friend request in these circumstances. Extremely unprofessional of the healthcare professional, and I would not have accepted in your shoes for that reason. However, your husband sounds extremely controlling even aside from this.

When I was with a pathologically controlling man, I found myself semi-consciously micro-rebelling in small ways, perhaps as a way to try and gain some control back (unsuccessfully). It's really only as I think back that I see that's what I was doing. What I should have done is to tell him to eff off.

The health care provider crossed a boundary he shouldn't have. I would have reported that, not accepted the request.

Your husband is massively controlling and abusive.

Run. Run now.

why are there any rules-hes not your teacher hes your husband

has he always been like this-do you think this is normal

Are you in the US, OP? Private health care?

You should leave your husband or tell him he needs help with his jealousy as it's causing him to be controlling and abusive. If he doesn't get help, leave. It might be safer for you to leave anyway. You sound afraid of him.

The healthcare worker was very unprofessionable
Your husbands reaction is untolerable and wrong

Look at some of the language you use in relation to your husband - 'rules' 'that would be unacceptable' checks my phone' I wouldn't be staying with someone who exhibited any of these behaviours. And I suspect this is the tip of the red flags.

You are an intelligent sucessful woman. Remember that. Life is very short, is this how you want to live it. ?

Why on earth is your husband checking your 'phone regularly, do you check his?

I can honestly say I never looked at my husband's phone, nor he at mine. It just wouldn't have occurred to either of us.

Apart from that, the health care guy wanting to 'befriend' you is most unusual and unprofessional. I wonder if he does that to all the girls, with some agenda.

I don’t add anyone to social media, because I don’t want to. If someone else does want to, it’s not ‘naive’, it’s their choice and not for their partner to police.

You are either controlling or being controlled, but your position is not healthy.

Wtf did I just read? Appease him, fuck off.

OP none of this is normal or healthy.

Going through a divorce and house move might very well be exhausting and stressful, but surely so will living like this for the rest of your life? Even more so in retirement when he will be able to control who you see and speak to far more. Please get out while you still have your own finances and health.