I was in the wrong, AIBU to be disappointed anyway?

[DopamineDeficient]

About a month ago I went for an over 40s health check. The healthcare assistant who performed it was genuinely lovely and chatty and put me at ease, I remember leaving the appointment thinking he has a lovely bedside manner. During the conversation it came out that he is 27.

A month later I was in work and a friend request popped up and it was from the practitioner. I remembered his name and accepted.

About an hour later my DH asked me who this new guy was on my Facebook, I told him who it was and all hell broke lose.

Durning the course of the evening I fully accepted that I shouldn't have accepted, I was in the wrong, gave a genuine apology and deleted him. I explained I hadn't really given any thought to it beyond, oh yes I know who that is, accept and carry on with my day. However I can see how it looked to my husband and I was sorry for hurting him.

So far I guess I am unreasonable. However I don't necessarily think it was a huge deal and a conversation and an apology should have sufficed.

Now I have spent the last couple of years studying for a chartered qualification and my final exam result was due on Wednesday. We were so busy still arguing about this friend request that my husband didn't even ask me how I got on, wish me luck or acknowledge it was results day at all.

On Thursday he checked my phone to see if I had passed but still didn't mention it. Friday in amongst many emails still berating me for my terrible behaviour he finally emailed me to congratulate me on passing.

The weekend came and went and not a single mention in person of the massive thing I have achieved. He didn't even mentioned n it to his mum, (his mum is in the same field and has been very interested in my progress).

So my AIBU to be disappointed that a whole week later he is still arguing about this friend request to the extent that we haven't mentioned let alone celebrated my achievement?

I just feel very flat. I am not saying I wasn't in the wrong originally but I feel it was blown out of all proportion and totally ruined something that should have been a huge deal for me.

I think I have known for a long time if I am honest. I just need to figure out how to get out of it.

It's not always bad, when things are good we have a lovely relationship, we have fun. As long as I am towing the line I guess.

Just wanted to say congratulations for passing your exam after what I'm sure was a lot of effort.

(As for your DH you know he's being completely unreasonable and childish, your choice what to do about it though)

It’s so difficult without support. The rules constantly change until you start guessing what the rules probably are and make your life smaller until you might as well be locked in a convent. I hope the support on this thread makes @DopamineDeficient feel strong enough to go through with divorcing this abusive man.

That sounds like you are speaking from experience. I hope you have gotten out and are living you best life.

As long as you’re not wearing lipstick or using ♥️ or following someone on Strava, and the list of forbidden acts just gets longer. If you rebel it gets worse. There is a fine line between this behaviour and physical violence. When you leave, you will look back and wonder why you ever tolerated it.

Yes unprofessional the man stalked on on fb and requested you

I don’t add just anyone so I wouldn’t have added him

but your dh reaction is over the top

you can divorce him. You don’t need his permission

how long have you been married

and yes sell the joint house

well done on exams

Yes - I also didn’t want to get married, tried to call off the wedding but he wore me down and was kind/cruel/kind/cruel so I doubted myself. My list of alleged affairs and flirtatious acts was very long and entirely imaginary on his part. I ♥️ my divorce certificate and no one has had the chance to treat me like that since. One red flag and I run like Mo Farah.

I have never cheated, nor even considered cheating and I have no reason to lie on an anonymous forum, the misdemeanours have included - Using a heart reaction to respond to a message, speaking to a guy at the gym about diabetes, wearing lipstick for work, adding a male colleague that he didn't like to my social media, a different colleague offering to pick me a cake up when he was going to the shops, still following someone on strava and clicking like on some of their runs after he had told me to remove the person from facebook. (that one was a rebellion because I was sick of being told what to do)

And there are still PPs on here defending a clearly controlling and abusive man

This seems like classic coercive control: I'm not sure if you're aware of Biderman Behaviours but this ticks at least a couple of the boxes, for example isolation; monopolisation of perception; enforcing trivial demands. You might recognise others. Any one of these is coercive control, it doesn't have to be many or all of them by any means.
This link takes you to a brief outline.
champions.gdass.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/Bidermans-Chart-of-Coercion-Control.pdf

Did you start to doubt yourself, that maybe you ARE leading these men on, or you subconsciously must be desperate for attention, other wise how would you keep making the mistakes?

I question my whole character, I know I haven't cheated but then my standards must not be high enough because I keep getting accused.

@DopamineDeficient the PP has given a good link. There is also research evidence that women with ADHD are more vulnerable to coercive control

www.adhdworks.info/blog/how-adhd-can-make-you-vulnerable-to-abuse-amp-control-spot-the-signs

That was a very eye opening and concerning link. I can see a lot of him there.

You’ve achieved something very significant professionally OP. Give yourself a short while to settle and then go and see a solicitor. You knew he was wrong from the start but he has worn down your defences and self-esteem. MN can provide great support and practical advice when you are ready to separate from him. In the meantime do you have friends / family that can support you?

Please know that the accusations your ‘partner’ makes are nothing to do with anything you do. You cannot stop him being controlling, he is that way because he wants to be

it’s nothing that you are doing.

when someone as goes you who they are, please believe them. All the best for getting away.

No, I never doubted myself for a second. I knew for a fact I wasn’t having affairs, thinking about affairs, or leading anyone on. I knew the behaviour was unreasonable but it was before coercive control legislation and I got used to complying until there was no kindness left, only cruelty and a kind of dark, oppressive atmosphere that is very hard to put into words.

He did his best to convince me I was mentally ill because I was sleepless and anxious from his interrogations and I did have PMDD before and after the marriage but here I am, free, not mentally ill 💃 🌺 ☀️ 🏖️ 💋 💃 wearing the clothes and lipsticks I want to and watching TV programmes with men in them (that wasn’t allowed either).

"It can also be extremely difficult for us to leave - and to sustain this. On average, survivors of abuse return to the relationship 7 times before leaving for good. In a previous relationship, I must have attempted to leave at least 7 times before I even managed to make it out the door. I'd start packing, before my partner picked the clothes up and put them back in the wardrobe, telling me I'd change my mind in the morning. "

@JacquelineOrange that paragraph is my whole relationship!

I don't really have anyone that I would confide in, I know I will be able to do it, I just need to get my game face on and figure out what is what. first step is a solicitor I guess.

I better get back to work, thank you all, I have had some amazing support and advice, I have a lot to think about.

I know it's not some big dramatic, I am leaving right now!! It probably should be but I am just not there. It's more of a lets get some snacks and water in a rucksack and look at a map to see the journey I am about to start on.

It really helped me to see a solicitor and get some legal advice (a male solicitor who didn’t charge for 30 minutes of advice). I’d already arranged a separate bank account by then, but be prepared to pay cash in case a payment to a solicitor shows up on a joint account.

Does he control your relationship with your children OP? What do they think of him?

I can’t help but notice @DopamineDeficient that you seemed quick to seize on the minority of posts directed at what you purportedly did wrong, almost as if you were more comfortable with the feeling of being deserving of punishment, than a victim of abuse?

I could be way off base, and I apologise if this is offensive, but I’m going to ask anyway:

Is there a kink aspect to your relationship, or some kind of power exchange dynamic? I’m finding it really hard to work out your attitude to this, and why you’d tolerate this level of control.

Even if this is rooted in something of that nature, his behaviour is still unacceptable and abusive. Rules, control and consequences still need to be grounded in consent, mutual understanding, and clear communication.

My other thought is that perhaps it’s an illusion of control that you’re reaching for? It’s might be more tolerable to feel you did something, because his incessant gaslighting and the shifting sands of his “rules” is too bewildering.

It’s not unusual for women to completely miss the fact that they are abuse victims because they don’t feel weak like all imagine victims would feel. In the contrary, these women feel very strong, and see their husbands’ abuse as rooted in his weakness, or in past emotional injuries. So they don’t recognise the danger.

Nothing about this situation is ok.

I noticed later in the thread that @DopamineDeficient has ADHD and rejection sensitivity dysphoria is often part of ADHD so the comments that made her doubt herself would perhaps be more likely to stand out to her.

I always felt very strong until I was trapped by a marriage with nowhere to go and had no illusion of control. I could see I was being abused but there were practical obstacles - I had a job and house so couldn’t go to a distant refuge for long. After divorce I was strong again.

Chick, you are in a very difficult position and I can understand making BIG decisions is overwhelming

Could you maybe go stay with one of your grown up children for a while? Or a friend? You don’t need to immediately divorce but perhaps some space and distance will let you see more clearly and then become more confident in decisions you want for you

That might mean separation but also might just mean better boundaries
so long as it’s YOUR choice

You’ve achieved SO MUCH, be with people who celebrate that xx

Jesus Christ. OP please know none of this is ok or normal.

It often takes several attempts to leave an abusive partner. I think the average is 7.

Rights Of Women is a good resource for legal advice.

Christ are we married to the same man?