I was in the wrong, AIBU to be disappointed anyway?

[DopamineDeficient]

About a month ago I went for an over 40s health check. The healthcare assistant who performed it was genuinely lovely and chatty and put me at ease, I remember leaving the appointment thinking he has a lovely bedside manner. During the conversation it came out that he is 27.

A month later I was in work and a friend request popped up and it was from the practitioner. I remembered his name and accepted.

About an hour later my DH asked me who this new guy was on my Facebook, I told him who it was and all hell broke lose.

Durning the course of the evening I fully accepted that I shouldn't have accepted, I was in the wrong, gave a genuine apology and deleted him. I explained I hadn't really given any thought to it beyond, oh yes I know who that is, accept and carry on with my day. However I can see how it looked to my husband and I was sorry for hurting him.

So far I guess I am unreasonable. However I don't necessarily think it was a huge deal and a conversation and an apology should have sufficed.

Now I have spent the last couple of years studying for a chartered qualification and my final exam result was due on Wednesday. We were so busy still arguing about this friend request that my husband didn't even ask me how I got on, wish me luck or acknowledge it was results day at all.

On Thursday he checked my phone to see if I had passed but still didn't mention it. Friday in amongst many emails still berating me for my terrible behaviour he finally emailed me to congratulate me on passing.

The weekend came and went and not a single mention in person of the massive thing I have achieved. He didn't even mentioned n it to his mum, (his mum is in the same field and has been very interested in my progress).

So my AIBU to be disappointed that a whole week later he is still arguing about this friend request to the extent that we haven't mentioned let alone celebrated my achievement?

I just feel very flat. I am not saying I wasn't in the wrong originally but I feel it was blown out of all proportion and totally ruined something that should have been a huge deal for me.

But would you find a way to ‘punish’ him for breaking the rules?

Anyone is entitled to feel however they wish about a partners behaviour, and to express their own boundaries. But the DH in this case is controlling OP and has got her so confused about what’s normal that she’s just keeping her head down. And passing her exam despite it, so well done @DopamineDeficient

You H has massively overreacted but you’ve been daft too. You must know that a young male who had done a health check on you should not be asking to be your friend on social media.
I don’t accept lots of ‘friends’ some are millionaires or astronauts or so they say!! 🤣 I don’t accept friends male or female if they’re not my actual friends. Although I have friends who have hundreds of friends - even if they’ve sat next to them on public transport.
You both have trust issues that you need to work through in a sensible and grown up way - good luck!

You weren't unreasonable to accept it but the physician was completely unprofessional to friend request you, but to be honest all that is completely irrelevant.

You need to get out of this marriage, what you are describing is controlling and coercive behaviour and it IS domestic abuse, you could do with speaking to women's aid for advice, you are in danger whether you realise it or not.

This comment is a joke - right?

No reasonable person could possibly be suggesting any of this. Give your head a wobble.

many emails still berating me for my terrible behaviour

red flag in the op. My goodness what an overreaction. He sounds extremely controlling.

I must admit I think everyone is downplaying what the OP did.
Recently a staff member from DC's nursery sent a friend request tot DH. He immediately told me, blocked them, and told them in person it was inappropriate.

The health worker was wrong, there are 0 innocent reasons for adding a patient. There are also 0 innocent reasons for accepting it.

The OP's DH is not reacting well but his hurt is understandable.

@Tamtim "What the hell is a medical professional doing trying to friend a patient on Facebook? Hugely unprofessional and a big old red flag. I’d be pissed off if my DH friended a 27 year old woman who did his medical."

I agree. It's strange that the HCP felt comfortable doing this and that the OP doesn't find it at all weird and a bit creepy. At a minimum it breaches data protection.

Why on earth did he need to check your phone to see your exam results? He could have acted like a normal person and asked you.
That, coupled with checking who you have/don't have as Fb friends and following that up with a complaint to your GP ... you need to make it very clear to him that he's well out of order.
The HCA was totally wrong too though. Soliciting personal contact with patients is expressly forbidden by the NHS.

I’ve read all your updates, why would you want to live like this? It’s not normal or healthy.

Regardless of whether she should have accepted FB request, why is the husband monitoring her FB daily, telling her who she can be friends with, and checking her email? I have no sympathy for him!

What would he do if you said, no my devices are private from now on

Are you concerned he may physically harm you?

Why should the DH be " hurt" because she added anyone onto her Facebook??

Many congratulations on your achievement, and passing your exam.

OP I read all of your posts together. Your husband is a walking Red Flag. Please do not feel embarrassed, and please take care of yourself and stay safe💐

Dh husband's reaction was OTT from the start, he is obviously very possessive- which needs addressing, tell him to drop it, or you insist on going to therapy together to address his possessiveness.

Please, whatever else you do. Do not let him know you post on here. Make sure all your passwords are tight. He sounds nightmarish.

LTB

Have you heard of coercive control? This will only get worse.

There is nothing to downplay. It’s a fairly non-issue accepting a friend request from somebody she knows in a professional capacity and then removed when her husband noted it.

Please read all OP's posts. Her husband is incapable of working through anything in a sensible and grown up way. He is abusive and OP is scared of him.

Can I just make two points, A) I didn't comment on his bedside manner either to him or my husband. I was trying to describe my thoughts on him for the purpose of the thread B ) I have not commented on his attractiveness either here or to my husband. That is just an embellishment that has been added in the mind of the poster that wrote it.

This with a million bells on

Struggling to believe two married, middle-aged professionals actually behave like this but if this is real, then woman up OP and leave this idiot!

Fb friend request bit bizarre but....
"he is fully convinced that the only reason I am faithful is because he monitors my interactions and prevents it."
Get rid.

Jfc.

I would not tolerate this kind of behaviour from my husband. You should be raging that he spoke to the doctors ‘on your behalf’. It’s also disgusting that he punishing you by not celebrating your achievement.
Get angry @DopamineDeficient. Don’t accept this sort of shit. Tell him you want an apology for overstepping at the doctors.. that’s outrageous.

And if he’s got form for this shit, then I’d think about leaving him!!

If my partner was policing who I was friends with on social media and checking my phone, I'd dump him.

FWIW, a healthcare professional who has treated/been consulted by you shouldn't be sending you friend requests, but you did nothing wrong by accepting it. I've got lots of male friends on my social media, including ones I've never even met in real life. My DP wouldn't even bat an eyelid at this, let alone kick off at me and give me the silent treatment.

That said, there are a million Mumsnetters who seem to think that if their DH so much as glances at the profile of any woman at all on social media they're entitled to demand he deletes his entire online presences and self-flagellates for a month while she 'gets her ducks in a row', so maybe I'm in the minority here.

There are a number of issues to unpick here:

1. your husband is an abusive, controlling cunt
2. the healthcare practitioner was beyond inappropriate and you absolutely should raise it with the practice.
3. why are you not able to see that both of these men have behaved terribly in this scenario?!
4. why don’t you think you deserve better than this bullshit?

I’ve read all posts thank you - OP is willing to row with him, make him delete stuff etc etc - I don’t think she’s scared at all…. I actually think they’re as bad as each other.
If she was that terrified of him she’d NEVER have accepted the 27 year old health worker as a friend - totally daft as I said in my original post.
If my husband had done similar with a female health worker he would be deleting it pronto and have a few sharp words from me. I would probably be curious at who else he’d accepted as a friend so we’d talk about that too - doesn’t make me a coercive controller!!
She’s angry and upset and I’m sure much has been written in anger and her frustration with him - they both need to calm down and approach this as adults.