I was in the wrong, AIBU to be disappointed anyway?

[DopamineDeficient]

About a month ago I went for an over 40s health check. The healthcare assistant who performed it was genuinely lovely and chatty and put me at ease, I remember leaving the appointment thinking he has a lovely bedside manner. During the conversation it came out that he is 27.

A month later I was in work and a friend request popped up and it was from the practitioner. I remembered his name and accepted.

About an hour later my DH asked me who this new guy was on my Facebook, I told him who it was and all hell broke lose.

Durning the course of the evening I fully accepted that I shouldn't have accepted, I was in the wrong, gave a genuine apology and deleted him. I explained I hadn't really given any thought to it beyond, oh yes I know who that is, accept and carry on with my day. However I can see how it looked to my husband and I was sorry for hurting him.

So far I guess I am unreasonable. However I don't necessarily think it was a huge deal and a conversation and an apology should have sufficed.

Now I have spent the last couple of years studying for a chartered qualification and my final exam result was due on Wednesday. We were so busy still arguing about this friend request that my husband didn't even ask me how I got on, wish me luck or acknowledge it was results day at all.

On Thursday he checked my phone to see if I had passed but still didn't mention it. Friday in amongst many emails still berating me for my terrible behaviour he finally emailed me to congratulate me on passing.

The weekend came and went and not a single mention in person of the massive thing I have achieved. He didn't even mentioned n it to his mum, (his mum is in the same field and has been very interested in my progress).

So my AIBU to be disappointed that a whole week later he is still arguing about this friend request to the extent that we haven't mentioned let alone celebrated my achievement?

I just feel very flat. I am not saying I wasn't in the wrong originally but I feel it was blown out of all proportion and totally ruined something that should have been a huge deal for me.

OP, you are not responsible for your husband's insecurities. You are entitled to friends and privacy and to have your own passwords. Your husband doesnt own you. I'd be changing my passwords and saying "If you dont trust me then that is entirely your own problem".

Just caught up, had a morning full of meetings.

Those saying I shouldn't have accepted the friend request - I accepted that and apologised very genuinely on Monday (of last week). It wasn't done in order to have an affair which is what my husband is insisting. Yes it was silly to not decline straight away but it has now been over a week and I am still being held to account for it.

This is 100% red flag behaviour- this is emotionally abusive - read your message back OP - you sound bullied, harassed and with an abuser

Why aren't you addressing the many, many posts that day your relationship is concerning and your husband is abusive?

It doesn’t matter that you liked his bedside manner - he can be a friendly person and he was wrong to contact you on social media with a friend request. That was dealt with by you deleting him. He overstepped professional boundaries and he will have been spoken to by his employer or disciplined. It’s likely he won’t do this again. You didn’t want to report it because you have dealt with it.

It’s the reaction of your husband that is over the top. He doesn’t own you.You have free will to accept friend requests, or not, as you wish. You are allowed to keep passwords private. A marriage certificate and a jointly owned house does not excuse his behaviour towards you.

why is he checking your phone?!

My husband has no idea who my Facebook friends are and wouldn’t dream of telling me who I could and couldn’t befriend.

Has he always been such a knob?

The reason I didn't address them is because it just feels so overwhelming and I know I have this big decision to make and it's going to be so hard. I just need a second to breathe following my studies, catch my breath and then start the process. I don't even know where to start if I am totally honest.

Then there are some people saying that my husband and is right and I shouldn't have done it and the doubts start, maybe it is my fault and my husband is reasonable for how he is acting.

But honestly I can see how it looked to my husband and I have apologised and recitfied the situation, but I can accept I was wrong and still think he was over reacting with his response.

This is the issue - you still being held to account a week later for a simple mistake. If you have a conversation with the local rabbi or vicar that will be a potential affair as well in your husband’s mind.

I have old boyfriends from over 25 years ago on my social media and their wives are not bothered.

I think you are missing the point of the vast majority of posts - your husband is showing deeply concerning behaviour in:

• dictating who you can have on facebook
• noticing and commenting on who you have on facebook
• still arguing about it a week later
• punishing you by not being nice about your acheivements

None of this is normal. My DH wouldn't know if I got a new friend and trusts me enough to be able to adult my own accounts. unless there is some back story that you have had affairs, he is being very very unreasonable. You didnt need to apologise. I do think the medical professional was odd, but that's not the issue. I would be having a serious think around whether this is a pattern of behaviour and what do about it.

I know it's easy to say and it's not your current reality - the FB is actually irrelevant.

He has the passwords to your phone and SM and you're not allowed to change, he holds you to rules, but he won't tell you what they are, he specifically says that his control is the only way to stop you cheating, and his surveillance of you is so intense that he knows exactly how many FB friends you have, and he's still beating you down about the FB request a week later, he checked your exam results on your phone (what the heck am I reading here, seriously) and is intentionally keeping on berating you about the FB request so he doesn't have to acknowledge your achievement ...

This is no way to live. You can't see the woods for all the blooming red flags ...

Your husband is controlling but the HCP is massively in the wrong. It’s incredibly inappropriate and unprofessional to send a friend request to a patient. That should be complained about - because he needs to learn a lesson to not do that again.

This is coercive control and it’s exhausting, it wears you down. You’re right to take a breath to think about next steps. A private conversation with a solicitor will give you straightforward advice about where you stand with the house etc.

OP the man adding you and you accepting is a complete red herring and you need to forget about it.

What you need to focus on is your DH’s behaviour towards you and how it’s completely inappropriate.

He should not have your passwords, he should not be checking emails or messages and you should be able to change your passwords whenever you want.

What was your childhood like?
Was it normal that your parents had complete control?

I have teens and they have much more freedom than you do.

The only reason I had ever imposed rules with SM etc is because they are not mature enough to keep themselves safe and are vulnerable - but you are a grown adult acting like a child.
It’s not normal.

Please tell me this man doesn’t track your whereabouts too.

It already has been complained about by the husband. The HCA’s workplace is aware. OP doesn’t have to pursue a complaint when she’s working and tired out by being called vile and disgusting, sent emails by her husband etc.

I don't think he tracks my whereabouts, not with my knowledge anyway. If we aren't in work we are together. If he is in work and I am not (he works shifts) there is a constant communication all day.

OP please don't start to doubt yourself.

Personally I don't really see what you are supposed to have done wrong. You accepted a friend request without really thinking about it - and?

Anyway from the other info you have given it's not really about this single incident is it? Your husband is coercively controlling, (which is BTW a criminal offence) and emotionally abusive. Him contacting the doctors on "your behalf" is an absolute outrage I personally could not get past. Does he think he's living in Afghanistan?

Think of the life you imagined for yourself. This isn't it, is it?

You say you have grown up children. What do they think about this horrible man?

At the very least I'd be changing my social media passwords and making my friend list private. He can strop as much as he likes. Tell him he's left you no alternative due to his gross and unacceptable intrusion into your private life. Start the rest of your life by taking back control bit by bit from this sad excuse of a bully. With any luck he'll be so upset HE'LL leave YOU .

OP, even if your husband was right (and I don't agree that he was right), you apologised immediately, rectified it and expressed that you see his point of view and that you weren't really thinking anything if it when you accepted the friend request.

That should have been the end of it- it's the fact that he's now punishing you through continued arguments that's the biggest red flag.

You may have just bought a house, you may not want to think about the things you have to do next because they are tiring, but realistically aren't you tired of tiptoeing around? Never knowing what the rules are, never knowing if you're going to overstep the imaginary line that he has arbitrarily and secretly decided upon. That's no way to live.

Yes it will be hard and tiring to get out of this all.
But it will be hard and tiring to live like this.

Choose your hard.....I know which one I'd choose, and it's the one that you know has a finite end point and get your life back.

Do you think constant communication when he’s at work might be an effective way of tracking your whereabouts without the need for tracking devices?

I agree with all of this.

I have tried to divorce my husband before, I tried not to marry him in fact, cancelling the wedding. He told the venue that I didn't mean it. He always wears me down, convinces me it's just my hormones because I have ADHD & PMDD (properly diagnosed).

Then I convince myself that it will get better, if I prove to him that I am not going to run off with someone else. Then something happens and it's back to square one, is it any wonder he can't trust me when I do X Y Z......

I have never cheated, nor even considered cheating and I have no reason to lie on an anonymous forum, the misdemeanours have included - Using a heart reaction to respond to a message, speaking to a guy at the gym about diabetes, wearing lipstick for work, adding a male colleague that he didn't like to my social media, a different colleague offering to pick me a cake up when he was going to the shops, still following someone on strava and clicking like on some of their runs after he had told me to remove the person from facebook. (that one was a rebellion because I was sick of being told what to do)

I agree that the friend request was unprofessional, but the bigger point is that your husband is controlling and, well, nuts—and you didn't even want to marry him in the first place and have previously tried to divorce him? This whole situation is crazy. I'd commit to getting out now.

I completely believe that you aren’t having any affairs. You said he always wears you down - this is a criminal offence. That list of misdemeanours is so controlling.

GET RID ASAP. Get some legal advice to start you off.

Reclaim your autonomy and your life.

HCP sending friend request: wrong
Husbands behaviour: wrong
You: victim of abuse

Hope that clears things up for you.

You have done nothing wrong within the realm of a normal relationship.

Do you recognise that you are in an abusive relationship and dont deserve to be treated like this?

It will only get worse unless you leave