AIBU to think this school mum is out of order?

[Sassysangria2201]

Genuinely unsure if I’m being unreasonable on this.

DS has a close friend that he sees quite a bit of - they walk from home most days, frequent play dates etc.

Quick background. My DS has some social anxiety. It doesn’t impact his friendships; he has several friends, has and get asked for lots of play dates and parties etc. You wouldn’t know it to see him, but he really struggles to go places if there are kids he doesn’t know there. He’s had OT intervention in the past but it’s fairly well controlled if we use the right strategies. We are not in the UK.

Ive organised for my DS and his friend to attend a course for 2 days of the school hols.. It’s around his hobby, he’s excited to go and to have his friend there. The course is small, it’s open to the public but not advertised as they prefer smaller numbers due to the nature of the activity.

DD’s friends mum has signed up the DS of one of her friends, who is also friends with her son. My son doesn’t know him. Instead of going with his friend, he’ll now be part of a 3 with a random kid, who is a year older. I suspect he will be left out quite a bit as the other two get on well and the older boy can be a bit intense. Friends mum knows all about DS’s issues and that we are working on it.

AIBU on this? If it was a large course that was advertised I’d totally accept that is life. But I’ve chosen this course specifically as it’s small and suits DS’s current situation. The other child would never have known about it if friends mum hadn’t enrolled him. I personally would not invite another unknown child to something someone else had arranged - but am I being unreasonable?

That wouldn't stop her going though if its a public group and then OP wouldnt actually know until the first day

Do you think you should name change for today and remove the ‘pass’?

you seem very passionate about this topic.

Be careful OP. As a mum of boys I can tell you that they generally don't do things in duos, they tend to hang out in little groups and are more happy to do so
Exactly that. What if the friend decided during the course to become friend with another kid there he didn't know before?

Would you tell his mum that as you invited him, he had no right to do and he should only speak and play with your son?

Which is why I’ve said before that the friends mum booking it has changed their duo to a trio, which opens up feelings of being left out if they need to couple up.

him going separately of them doesn’t do that as much.

I think people are being a bit unfair and unkind here OP. We often see on MN- arranged to go to a concert with a friend and bought her ticket and now she's invited another friend without asking me. AIBU? Strangely these posts do get understanding, in comparison.

I hope your ds enjoys his camp and the third child is a nice one. You might be unnecessarily worrying and his friend seems close to him so all 3 will probably pal around together.

But his friend will be there. And so will other children. I think the mum doesn't want her son to be set up as a support person for your ds, lovely as he might be, and therefore signed another friend up as well. Is your son having a problem with that or is it just you?

I think you are being unreasonable to think another child shouldn't go to the activity because of your sons difficulties.
I can understand you may be concerned how your son may react .
I think kids see your behaviour and model it, you seem very anxious and perhaps your son does too.

SD1 was like this as a child and teen. Her mum spent years trying to control who was coming, who SD would be sitting bedside, etc, as she had anxiety.

Years later it’s not worked; SD1 hasn’t learned how to manage anything, all she wanted to do was control others.

This is for your son to manage, but not by trying to control others.

She was also diagnosed with Level 1 autism as a teen.

Him going separately will stop them playing together? sorry I dont get what you mean- they are still going to play together even if they dont travel together arent they?

Do you think you should name change for today and remove the ‘pass’?
Considering I'm the one who wrote that OP was getting a hard time, I don't think your comment is appropriate.

Not passionate as such but I find it sad OP seem only open to posts that agrees with her rather than appreciate posters who are taking the time and energy to help her see how her behaviour might do more harm than good.

This, or what if someone else they know is on this activity? Are a and friend only allowed to interact with each other?

Sadly, unless [or even if] you communicated everything in your post to the mum concerned, I’m afraid you’re being unreasonable. As the mum of two AuDHD kids who went through similar before we realised their diagnosis, I have always looked to communicate with other mums if booking something like this and getting their buy-in - because, in effect, you were using her DC as a tool/crutch to support your DS in this situation. You were informally enlisting the other child as your DS’s child carer. I’m afraid that really, really isn’t on.

If you were relying on this, you should have made clear what your motivations were AND got her explicit consent for her DC to be relied upon in this way.

Tbh honest you have been very unreasonable from the outset. Other people’s children are not your DS’s emotional support props. I know this is hard, but you need to work with a therapist and clinicians to find other strategies to scaffold your son into social independence and confidence.

Ds is 7 and has a friend who won't do new things without someone he knows there, I now avoid mentioning to his mum new activities ds is doing, as it becomes is he going this week oh if he can't go X can't go, or what do you mean his cousins are going too X will feel left out. He's even had this boy telling him he can't play with others. DS can be very anxious around certain things due to his AuDHD, he is however keen to meet new children and I don't want that to become something else he needs to manage. This has gone on to the extent we asked for them not to be in the same class next year. My child is ND and needs support, I'm not controlling what other parents do for him to achieve that.

OP, I suspect your child will be fine. My DD was similar - very shy, did have friends at school although in younger primary years it was always one best friend rather than a group, but wouldn’t speak to adults, strangers, or anyone she doesn’t know. She absolutely could/would not have attended a holiday programme alone and I had to coordinate with friends’ parents to find out which holiday programmes they were going to, to make sure that she would know someone.

But if she’d been in this situation, she’d have been fine. She just needed one person there that she recognised. Your son is going to have that too - it doesn’t matter that there is another boy there as well.

I suspect your DS’s friend’s mum was in a difficult position. Rather than actively extending the invite, the other kid’s mum probably asked her what her kid was doing in the holidays. Obviously there is the option to lie or to not tell her, but most people would just say “he’s going to the holiday programme at the golf club” or whatever.

I don’t think that’s the case - I think she’s cleared some things up when people are twisting her words. She certainly hasn’t only responded to people who agree with her.

A lot of these comments are totally out of line, and I know I’ve said it before but 100% if she hadn’t mentioned her sons anxiety (oh sorry, shyness 🙄) she’d have completely different answers.

Your son will probably sense you’re pissed off about this and exacerbate his anxiety @Sassysangria2201

Best way to deal with social anxiety is repeated exposure to social situations. I know that because I was a nervous wreck as a child-teenager and over time as I was forced into meeting new people I became entirely less anxious and more equipped.

Controlling who he is exposed to will not solve anything.

You sort of outline a problem then mitigate all the bits in later posts

this

all very strange

Aw this is how I met one of my best friends. My friend knows how socially awkward I can be and basically said to me ' X is coming to work in your office- you'll love her'. And I did. It was like platonic matchmaking!

I don’t think that’s the case - I think she’s cleared some things up when people are twisting her words. She certainly hasn’t only responded to people who agree with her
Yes, clarified to justify her views. Not once gas she written that she was taking on board any suggestions.

I totally get that OP is herself anxious for her and frustrated her intentions to support her son didn't go to plan.

However, there have been very good posts with suggestions on how she could support her son in this new situation. Maybe OP is taking them in board, but she hasn't posted once to suggest that's the case.

All has been said though, so I hope OP will see that it might work well for her son and that he will end up having a great time and make a new friend in the process.

Let’s use my daughter as an example.
if she went to a club/course with a friend, and she saw someone she knew there, she’d say hi, mix and mingle, but if they had to pair up she would stick with the person who invited her.

if she invited someone along on the back of the original invite and they had to pair up, she would have to either disappoint one of the people she went with, or be disappointed herself by having to team up with a stranger.

its that simple.

This all sounds very intense. Friendships shouldn’t be so intense, they should be flexible and changeable. Children shouldn’t need their friendships to be managed by their parents (unless their choice of friend is a psychopath!). What generally happens is a child will ask their parent ‘can Billy come for tea tonight’ or ‘if I’m doing that holiday club, do you think we could ask Billy if he can come too?’. Then the parents will contact each other to make arrangements. Billy’s mum might then say ‘oh, Sam fancies doing that club, so I’ve booked him on it’.

Friendships shouldn’t be forced or controlled. And anxiety around some situations is a normal human response, not one that needs to be ‘managed’.

I would try not to dwell and anticipate what might be…just let him go. And try not to worry about it. He will pick up that you are for sure.
Assume the best. That three boys will all get on.

Its not "that simple".

Much depends on the ages of these children doesnt it? if this was the case, then at kids birthday parties everyone would instantly separate into pairs or whom they travelled with which clearly doesnt happen.

If the OP only wanted her son to socialise with his friend then a better plan would have been to take them out just the two of them somewhere. Because even IF this boy's friend doesn't go, the OP has zero control over what happens on the course- he might end up making friends with a complete stranger to him!

I’ve never attended, or taken my child to, a party where they’ve had to pair up for a task, so no, of course it wouldn’t happen at a birthday party.