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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my parents overstepped on our holiday arrangements?

260 replies

PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 03:26

AIBU to find this inapropriate?

Going to try not to write an essay, but I'm there will be people thinking I'm dripfeeding! Any questions ask...I'll try and put salient points.

This summer myself and my teenage DC were planning on a holiday in the UK. We had a place in mind but then my DP asked us to go somewhere with them. We agreed to do this trip with them instead. I found a small cottage for myself and my DC and they had seperate accomodation. We wanted to make them happy but also know we would never want to share accomodation due to their constant arguments - something I grew up with and still puts me on edge now. We also find them fine in small doses so I spoke to them and said we would spend a few days with them and a few days on our own, additionally the teens may want to do their own thing at times. They tried to overide this but I reiterated it and would have stuck to it. Additionally the teens and I are autistic and need some peace and quiet/time to ourselves. They are always on the go with a packed schedule.

Anyway, sadly something happened the day before we were due to go causing trauma to us all. The teens said they didn't want to go and neither did I, but the teens were concerned about ruining their GPs holiday and suggested I go anyway and I thought maybe the change of scene and time to myself might help. I didn't have much time to think but decided to go ahead once I knew teens would be looked after. I was very sad to go without them.

I decided to take the train and as I would be arriving late my dad offered to pick me up from the station. I said no need but he insisted so I thanked him and agreed. Later it was suggested they stay the night at the cottage as it would be late by the time they'd dropped me off. I agreed.

The journey was long and tiring and I had to hold in tears a lot. But I arrived at the station and was just looking for the exit when there was my dad videoing me, all jolly as if everything was fine. Bit my tongue, greeted him, tried to smile and got in the car. As we approached the cottage he told me it was good the teens hadn't come as it was too rural. We all knew exactly what it eas like - on the edge of a village with lots of walks/shops/cafes etc. Lots of nice walks. Lots of peace and quiet. I bit my tongue again as I was feeling their absence greatly. As we approach my dad tells me that they've decided to stay at the cottage with me as it is so rural. I try to make a joke of it while making clear I was not happy with that. Get told it would be best for them to stay with me. I'm still protesting as we arrive, explain with the recent truama I need some space. Arrive at the cottage where they have got their things all over. I'm just tired and go upstairs to find they have taken the master bedroom unpacked all their things and I'm expected to go in the room my teens were meant to be in, which made me so sad seeing the beds they should have been in.

At this point I snap and say I'll sleep in the lounge and will go home the next day. I explain how much they have upset me and that it is not ok to just decide things like this without speaking to me first. Apparently, they thought I'd be lonely, it's too rural and I'm 'killing them' by not just going along with their change of plans.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 20:29

WilmaRubble · 14/07/2026 08:46

It’s all mad.

You went looking for a fight. You agreed to go knowing that it wasn’t what you wanted to do and that it would not suit your kids. You almost fired because the journey was long. How did they get the key?

How was I looking for a fight? How was it not what I wanted to do and wouldn't suit my kids?! What I almost fired mean?!

OP posts:
Gloriia · 14/07/2026 20:36

If the trauma involves something your ex did to your dc surely you should be at home with them?
How did parents know key was under a mat? Who even does that, holiday rentals usually have those safe key lock devices.

Anyway. You're there now, try to make the best of it Flowers

GrantMyWishes · 14/07/2026 20:39

I'm so sorry for all this upset OP. It sounds like after having a good night's sleep you were able to speak calmly to your parents and clear the air. I'm glad they've gone to where they were meant to be staying, and hope that some time alone in a lovely location, will give you some peace. Look after yourself, and enjoy your holiday.

Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 20:44

Soontobe60 · 14/07/2026 08:51

Ok, so some points.
Why did you not say no to your parents from the start? ‘Sorry mum and dad, we’re having a quiet break this year just ourselves’
Why did you not cancel the holiday in light of the traumatic event that stopped your Dc from going?
Who looked after your traumatised DC?
How come you only decided to take the train the day before the trip? Surely you’d planned the travel well in advance?
Where were your parents supposed to be staying?

Why didn't I say no? We enjoy their company in small doses and they were keen for us to come. They had their accomodation sorted and I found this lovely cottage. I made it clear we wouldn't always join in with the plans and the DC will probably want to do their own thing some of the time too.

I was going to cancel but the DC encouraged me to go and to be honest I wasn't thinking that straight and just went last minute. Parents were encouraging me/DC to come too. I understand the DC thinking I would be able to have some peace and quiet and rest/relaxation which would be beneficial for my mental health.

I'm in constant contact with my DC but sometimes a traumatised person is not in the best position to look after other traumatised people. They have gone to stay with my best friend who is like an aunty to them.

I couldn't face driving for 6 hours so took the train.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 20:48

TheGoddessFrigg · 14/07/2026 09:03

why not go and stay in the cottage your parents booked? It must be empty and paid for

They were staying in a guest room in a retirement complex.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 20:54

mumuseli · 14/07/2026 09:49

It was cheeky, but I guess they took the bigger bedroom because there’s two of them.
OP, much as they might be overbearing and annoying, it sounds like they think they are doing the right thing being there for you and trying to look after you.
Try to project ahead for a few days – if you go home now with things sour, then both you and them are going to be miserable.
Could you put on a smile and compromise by staying for another day or two (or even just for lunch today) before travelling home? That way you’re leaving on a more positive note.
It does sound like things have been quite dramatic and intense. Maybe you have reverted a bit to teenage mode yourself with them – that’s quite a common thing for adults to do when with their parents!
Going forward, you can make an effort to put in more boundaries.

Edited

I decided to stay for a few days. I have invited them for a bbq at the cottage tomorrow.

Re; teenager mood - you are probably right - part of me wanted to grab my suitcase and storm off down the country lane at midnight! 😂

OP posts:
Vartden · 14/07/2026 20:54

They've gone yo their accommodation now so they have listened to you.

Zonder · 14/07/2026 21:29

PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 20:54

I decided to stay for a few days. I have invited them for a bbq at the cottage tomorrow.

Re; teenager mood - you are probably right - part of me wanted to grab my suitcase and storm off down the country lane at midnight! 😂

Show quote history

You've invited them? Does that mean they have moved out of the cottage, and more importantly out of the master bedroom? I hope so.

Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 22:35

SummerInSun · 14/07/2026 09:51

What strikes me is how the OP is so upset that her children with her, yet doesn’t understand that her own parents feel the same way about her and want to be with her. That doesn’t mean she has to share accommodation with them if she doesn’t want to, but to storm off in a huff from the whole holiday rather than calmly tell them to go to their own accommodation is overkill.

It's not always easy to do the calm think when feeling very emotional and being triggered left right and centre. Change is something that sends me into panic/meltdown at the best of times let alone when I was feeling emotionally fragile.

The difference with my parents was I respected and facilitated their needs. My parents ignored my boundaries and weren't even aware of my needs and then ignored them when I voiced them.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 22:39

Blistory · 14/07/2026 10:07

Has it occurred to you if you and your children are autistic then it's likely that one of your parents is as well and that might affect how they perceive matters ? Maybe they need to have things clearly set out for them

I think my mum is dispraxic. Being autistic myself I am very straight talking. I thought everything was clearly set out. They have their accomodation, we have ours, we will join in with them sometimes but not everyday. We want some time to just chill.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 22:41

ofcolitas · 14/07/2026 10:09

I think what people mean is, who told your parents that the key was under the mat?

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I did when we agreed they would wait at the cottage for my train to come in and my dad would pick me up.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 22:46

Goldengirl123 · 14/07/2026 10:17

I think that your parents were just being kind and didn’t want you to be alone. You could have just explained to them nicely that you would rather have been on your own. It’s not always what you say, it’s the way you say it that matters

It does upset me a bit that my parents don't even know me or don't care if they do. My friends would laugh at the thought of me being lonely - they all know I crave solitude.

My dad is really weird he's never interested in doing anything with my DC. He almost seems jealous of the attention I give them.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 22:49

waitinginwonderland · 14/07/2026 10:22

This all sounds hugely OTT - either sleep on a bed or tell them to return to their own booked accommodation. So many people on here cause their own problems by not using their words. Someone who is functional enough to raise teens is functional enough to tell their parents no.

Firstly, I did tell them and they ignored me and secondly what is the massive issue people have about me sleeping on the sofa! I sleep on a sofa every night at home - it's not the massive deal people are making it out to be.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 23:11

chocoluv · 14/07/2026 10:27

YABU and a bit over dramatic.

Your dad was kind enough to pick you up from the station - and you were annoyed that he was jolly and happy to see you?

He was being supportive of your idea to not force them to come by saying that it would be boring for them etc and trying to make you feel better - but this annoyed you too?

I would have been annoyed that they decided to stay the entire time - but you say you’ve just had a massive trauma and so it’s likely they didn’t feel comfortable leaving you alone when you’re obviously so vulnerable.

I don’t get why you’d sleep on the sofa instead of in the girls room - they’re not dead.

It makes sense for the couple to have the double bed and you take the single.

You knew they were staying that first night, so where did you expect them to sleep if they’re not allowed in the master bedroom or the DCs beds?

I would have gotten through the first night and then seen how I feel.

Your girls have just had a traumatic event and so I assume you’d want to be home with them and therefore the trip gets cut short and so it makes sense that your parents actually use the cottage that has been paid for.

If you really don’t want them there then explain how you want alone time but I’m not sure if this would be very healthy for you right now.

He was filming me expecting me to be jolly and happy which was inappropriate in the circumstances which he was fully aware of.

It wouldn't have been boring for them. I wouldn't have planned a boring holiday for them. They were looking forward to it. Why would that mske me feel better??

Our relationship is not one of them looking after me when I'm vulnerable. They have lived in a different country to me most of my adult life. They've never been there for me.

The girls room made me feel sad being that I was in a state. I felt happier sleeping on the sofa. I am allowed to do things that help me even if it may make others uncomfortable.

It makes sense for a couple to take the double bed I've paid for and they've not been invited to use. I sleep on a sofa everynight at home and so it's a real treat for me to have a double bed to sleep in. But never mind what I want or what I've paid for!

Where did I expect them to sleep? In the twin room actually to save me having to wash the sheets of the double. I wouldn't have said anything if they were in the double fir one night, although found it pretty thoughtless - nothing new there - I would have just got on with it. But feeling the way I did and them deciding to deprive me of the lovely bed for the whole stay that I'd picked out, paid for and looked forward to - it just felt awful.

And I can assure you being around my parents ignoring all my boundaries and needs is the last thing I need right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 23:13

SummerDive · 14/07/2026 10:32

@PeachesxBDA they sound like my parents, immature adults that just can’t see the world from any other point of view but their own.

Things have to done their way.
Theyre pilling up the guilt. So much so your own dcs knew that all of you pulling out of the hols would lead to problems so ‘encourage you’ to go
It all looks nice and helpful on the surface but it’s actually controlling and a way to get their own way.

Please, please, go back home as you told them.
And try to not put their needs or wishes first before your own. (I say try because I know how hard it is to break that habit. And how it leads to conflict too)

This is so spot on - thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 23:21

Anyahyacinth · 14/07/2026 10:35

I feel this too and have very difficult parents.

They were trying to be jolly and supportive. They'd swallowed their presumed disappointment about not seeing the grandchildren. Come to meet you and then I guess thought you needed / wanted company and support.

There being 2 of them they took the biggest room. You all certainly reverted to childhood patterns.

I feel for them because I think they were trying to be kind...a calm conversation about what you needed rather than biting your tongue would have been a more adult way to handle this. So at the station been very clear you were being dropped off and would see them tomorrow or whatever, then see they've moved in and say no this doesn't meet my needs and if its true say...I paid for some alone time and I'd like that...

You never gave them a chance...because what they did isn't so unusual...I think you needed to state your needs in this new situation

Edited
Show quote history

My dad had no dissapointment about the DC. He was positively happy about it.

If they knew anything about me they would have known I would not want company. But who just decides that is what you are doing without asking the other person?!

As I said I did say I was not happy with the arrangements. They were not interested in what I wanted. I was a terrible person for wanting the arrangements to be as we'd agreed and that I had fully discussed with them.

I did state my needs. And just deciding to take over a cottage someone else booked and paid for without asking them may not be unusual to you. But it's something I'd never even dream of doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 23:23

Xnz2022 · 14/07/2026 10:35

I can see both sides here.. some of what they did does seem logical.

If there is a spare room in the cottage, them expecting to stay rather than you being alone seems normal family behavior to me..

Them taking your room without asking, not so much.

Equally other parts. Some reasonable, some not.

But when you start a holiday on such a bad footing, trauma + bad existing relationship, it's asking for problems.

Personally maybe delaying for a whole day and going together with your teens later would have been better

It might be normal for some. We don't have a close relationship. It's funny if I think of doing the same to them my dad would be outraged!

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Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 23:24

bellhawk · 14/07/2026 10:37

They sound exhausting.

You may relate to the concept of emotionally immature parents - there are some books by Lindsay Gibson that explain it and how to manage those relationships.

Thank you so much. I will have a look at those books.

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greeenscreeen · 14/07/2026 23:37

ThatCosy · 14/07/2026 04:48

I honestly only really see the parents perspective here and I always hate how peopleon MN blame the original poster for everything.

It seems like your parents are constantly trying to reach out to you and try to cheer you up and you don't want it. Trying to make connection is normal, loving parental behaviour. I don't know why there's the miscommunication but I imagine your parents love you very much and feel constantly rejected.

You got all of that from a couple of paragraphs written by a stranger?! 😅

Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 23:56

chocoluv · 14/07/2026 10:43

I completely agree.

It sounds as though the parents can’t do anything right.

I can’t see how someone can be annoyed about someone picking you up from the station and being jolly and happy to see you.

OP didn’t want anyone sleeping in her DCs beds but wanted the master for herself - so where did she expect her parents to sleep.
It is obvious that they would have taken the double.

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Can't do anything right? How about sticking to what we agreed to? How about speaking to someone to fond out what support they need? And honestly, I find acting like everything is happy and jolly and expecting the other person to act like it and pretend everything is fine just incredibly insensitive. That you think that is ok is really weird to me.

Where did I say I didn't want anyone sleeping in the 2nd bedroom? I did however make my feelings known that I didn't want anyone else sleeping in the cottage but I went along with them staying one night to appease them. If I was sleeping at someone's holiday cottage for 1 night I wouldn't in a million years be so selfish to sleep in their room (without asking) so they'd have to wash sheets in the morning. Why on earth would you do that?!

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 23:59

Passingthrough123 · 14/07/2026 10:46

"Atrocious"? That's a bit of a reach! It sounds like they've been a bit blundering in their approach to picking her and were rude to take over the master bedroom, but without knowing what's kept her teens at home, it's impossible for anyone on here to say whether their behaviour is shockingly bad.

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It doesn't matter what the trauma was...you don't take over the holiday cottage of someone else without speaking to them! And I can assure you there is nothing 'blundering' about them...calculating, yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 00:01

PinkyFlamingo · 14/07/2026 10:48

You knew what they were like. You need to work on your boundaries with them as I'm guessing this is nothing new at all. They won't change so you need to.

Yes, it's true...nothing new atall. My dad is controlling and my mum just goes along with it all and is an apologist for him!

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 00:05

LondonLass2026 · 14/07/2026 10:48

Is everyone missing the part where op AGREED to go on holiday with them? No one forced her, and the parents didn't turn up unannounced as a bad surprise - although op is very much making it sound like that's what has happened.

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I agreed to go on holiday with them, where we would have seperate accomodation and time to ourselves.

Where did I agree for them to take over my holiday cottage unanounced. Where did I agree to every boundary I set being ignored?

I did not ask them to pick me up at the station. I did not ask them to stay the night at my cottage. I certainly did not ask them to move in there. I agreed to go on a few days out with them and some dinners out.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 00:06

SilverTotoro · 14/07/2026 10:53

This is outrageous. OP now you know never to change your holiday or any other plans for them again. They obviously knew you wouldn’t be happy with the new arrangements or they would have suggested it rather than just arriving and unpacking. It’s beyond cheeky.

Yes, lesson learnt.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 00:07

Mygiddyvalentine · 14/07/2026 10:56

She agreed to go to the same location as them. She clearly did not agree to share accommodation with them. She stated extremely clear boundaries around that including needing her own time away.

My parents in law hated each other and bickered constantly, it was absolutely awful to spend prolonged time around them because it is so emotionally draining.

There was no way I’d share accommodation with them but I might be willing to spend some time with them.

These are different things, giving rise to clear opportunities to take a break from each other.

DH left home at 20 and returned only for very short stints to keep away from the dynamics.

If you are from a pretty healthy family you need to be aware that different rules apply to dysfunctional families.

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So spot on.

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