AIBU to think my parents overstepped on our holiday arrangements?

[PeachesxBDA]

AIBU to find this inapropriate?

Going to try not to write an essay, but I'm there will be people thinking I'm dripfeeding! Any questions ask...I'll try and put salient points.

This summer myself and my teenage DC were planning on a holiday in the UK. We had a place in mind but then my DP asked us to go somewhere with them. We agreed to do this trip with them instead. I found a small cottage for myself and my DC and they had seperate accomodation. We wanted to make them happy but also know we would never want to share accomodation due to their constant arguments - something I grew up with and still puts me on edge now. We also find them fine in small doses so I spoke to them and said we would spend a few days with them and a few days on our own, additionally the teens may want to do their own thing at times. They tried to overide this but I reiterated it and would have stuck to it. Additionally the teens and I are autistic and need some peace and quiet/time to ourselves. They are always on the go with a packed schedule.

Anyway, sadly something happened the day before we were due to go causing trauma to us all. The teens said they didn't want to go and neither did I, but the teens were concerned about ruining their GPs holiday and suggested I go anyway and I thought maybe the change of scene and time to myself might help. I didn't have much time to think but decided to go ahead once I knew teens would be looked after. I was very sad to go without them.

I decided to take the train and as I would be arriving late my dad offered to pick me up from the station. I said no need but he insisted so I thanked him and agreed. Later it was suggested they stay the night at the cottage as it would be late by the time they'd dropped me off. I agreed.

The journey was long and tiring and I had to hold in tears a lot. But I arrived at the station and was just looking for the exit when there was my dad videoing me, all jolly as if everything was fine. Bit my tongue, greeted him, tried to smile and got in the car. As we approached the cottage he told me it was good the teens hadn't come as it was too rural. We all knew exactly what it eas like - on the edge of a village with lots of walks/shops/cafes etc. Lots of nice walks. Lots of peace and quiet. I bit my tongue again as I was feeling their absence greatly. As we approach my dad tells me that they've decided to stay at the cottage with me as it is so rural. I try to make a joke of it while making clear I was not happy with that. Get told it would be best for them to stay with me. I'm still protesting as we arrive, explain with the recent truama I need some space. Arrive at the cottage where they have got their things all over. I'm just tired and go upstairs to find they have taken the master bedroom unpacked all their things and I'm expected to go in the room my teens were meant to be in, which made me so sad seeing the beds they should have been in.

At this point I snap and say I'll sleep in the lounge and will go home the next day. I explain how much they have upset me and that it is not ok to just decide things like this without speaking to me first. Apparently, they thought I'd be lonely, it's too rural and I'm 'killing them' by not just going along with their change of plans.

What's the issue - read the OP? Insensitive behaviour and then deciding to move into my holiday cottage!

That's because they don't seem to have boundaries.

We don't care if your partner is male or female. Please don't use 'they' and 'them' in a post where sometimes these words refer to one person and sometimes these refer to two people. I don't want to read, and reread, and go back to check if I'm understanding what you wrote. I often can't be bothered.

So why the hell did they help themselves to the master? They sound pretty grim, I'm sorry.

Is this to the OP? I don't think she has referred to a partner, has she?

Many people don't seem to have noticed this important info in the OP:

"We wanted to make them happy but also know we would never want to share accomodation due to their constant arguments - something I grew up with and still puts me on edge now. We also find them fine in small doses so I spoke to them and said we would spend a few days with them and a few days on our own, additionally the teens may want to do their own thing at times. They tried to overide this but I reiterated it and would have stuck to it. "
Also the parents saying OP is "killing them" by not going along with the parents unasked-for reworking of the plans is HIGHLY manipulative.

Look after yourself OP, you have grown up with parents who didn't allow you to be yourself. This dysfunction would have made you more vulnerable to abuse from a partner, as has evidently happened.

There are a bunch of books that could help you, Susan Forwards "Toxic Parents" being one. If that title is too scary for you right now perhaps try Lindsay C Gibson's "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents".
Also look at the Stately Homes threads here where you will find people who truly understand your situation and won't throw out stupid comments about your parents are only trying to be nice. They want to control you regardless of what you want.

I wish you well.

I think you’ve posted on the wrong thread.

No, this one. The first paragraph.

I took DP to mean dear partner, but she meant dear parents, I think. If she did mean parents, then I was wrong. But what abbreviation would be used for partner?

She’s talking about her parents, not partner.

She did mean parents. DP gets used for parents and partner on MN. Like DSiL can mean sister in law or son in law. I guess you just have to look at the context to know which is meant.

You would use DP for partner as well, but in this case it was quite clear she meant parents as that’s who she was talking about.

Great update OP. My only comment on your original post was that you should have given the option to go back to their accommodation before giving up your cottage. And that is exactly how it has worked out.

Pushing back on what they decide you should do is normal and healthy. It's fine if they don't like it, they are not really supposed to. Do keep trying to connect with what you want and making that happen. And maybe take another night away, properly by yourself this time. Beware of disappearing down the gap between what your teens want and what your parents want, especially as your teens grow up and make their opinions known more forcefully. You did absolutely the right thing putting your foot down with your parents. I hope you could also have done so with your teens if you had preferred to stay home, because as written it looks a bit like it was more their decision than yours.

They were cheeky but they meant well.
What happened to their accommodation, why couldn’t you just go there?

Agree v cheeky they took the master bedroom - they should have asked you about their plans, not told you.

A difficult situation, not helped by poor communication on all sides.

In this case she’s talking about her parents but even if it was her partner, it doesn’t really matter saying they/them.

It’s not that confusing to use they/them instead of he/she.

Do your parents accept your autism and have they educated themselves about challenges many autistic people face? . Feeling out of control, lots of socialising, change of arrangements. All these things can be difficult for autistic people even without the trauma and you missing your DC. Railroading you is not ok and better boundaries are needed in future.

So who is looking after your teenage children as you don’t say how old they are and how do they feel being left?

🙄

Never in a million years!

Thank you for your kind words. I completely agree.

Where are your DDs now?

Thank you for your kind words. I completely agree.

Mind yourself OP.

My kids haven't been left alone. They are well supported including me being in contact with them.

Dance around my autism? No, it's not something they'd ever acknowledge or modify their behaviour around. If they did they might be aware how change is really difficult so changing plans last minute is completely overwhelming. The whole point is I don't need looking after. I just need my boundaries respected.

I also find it amusing that you think sleeping on yhe sofa involves 'stomping'. I didn't want to sleep in the kids room as it was making me feel sad so I quietly walked to the living room, got ready for bed and went to sleep.