AIBU to go on holiday instead of helping with grandson's school start?

[Limon22]

My daughter in law and son are very annoyed with me and have told me that my actions have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. My daughter in law says she needs space and time and I’m not to call her for the foreseeable, instead just call my son only if I want to speak to my grandson. I normally ring her this is why she has said this.

Their reasoning for being angry is because back in January they asked me if I could be available to help them when their son starts school - he’s starting reception and has a phased hours start for two weeks. They’ve asked if I could be available to come to their house or that they come to mine. One of them will work from home each day but they just want an extra pair of hands to juggle meetings and work requirements while their son isn’t in school for full days.

I have made myself available however my local bingo hall has organised a trip to Spain that my sisters are going to for the weekdays my grandson is doing his phased start.The trip is very cheap and I’ve never been to Spain so I’ve taken it as a once in a lifetime opportunity and said yes. My son and daughter in law feel this is very poor of me as they had asked me repeatedly if I was sure I could support and I had said absolutely. They arranged flexible working with their work and now have to take annual leave instead. They feel I’ve let them down for a better offer and are deeply hurt, saying that they or their son never comes first.

I had recent minor heart surgery and none of my family or partner could help me, however my daughter in law and son took time off work and made sure I was dropped off and collected, and that I wasn’t alone after.

Their argument is they drop everything for me when no one else does, but that I always put my partner and sisters before them. I feel this is unfair, my partner and sisters are in ill health and I’ve been with my partner for 30 years so they know he comes first.

I feel I’ve been made feel terribly guilty unfairly. I never have got to go away abroad and for such a cheap price I couldn’t say no. I feel they should understand. It’s also not my fault I needed heart surgery, I don’t feel I owe them for their support. He is my only son after all.

Note from MNHQ - OP later admits this is a reverse - please see later posts

Reverse?

Did you discuss booking the trip with them beforehand? If it is truly a 'once in a lifetime opportunity' they should understand.

Obvs a reverse, but it's poor form for your MIL to agree to help and then back out. But unfortunately you can't force her to help you and it doesn't make a difference whether you've helped her in the past. However, I would be revaluating the relationship if I were you.

Regardless of the price of the holiday, I wouldn't have let my family down when they asked first. If I make a commitment, then I stick to it. Im not surprised your dil is disappointed

Why couldn't your partner or other family help you when you had your heart operation? Seems strange that you say you put your partner first and yet he/she doesn't do the same for you?

To say yes then no is not on

But I think parents shouldn’t rely on others too much - you chose to have a child and all that entails

(Also yes, this does read like a reverse!)

Has to be a reverse.

No when I saw the price and limited places I said yes and told them once it was booked that I was no longer available - this conversation happened yesterday.

My sister and I have always wanted to go away to Spain but it was 1000 each, this trip is 150 each for four days. I couldn’t turn down that offer.

I can’t work out if it’s a reverse or not.

The commitment was made and repeatedly checked upon and you flaked for a better offer. In their eyes they are less important to you than the bingo hall.

You expected support from your child as he is your flesh and blood and in return you tell him he isn’t owed anything and he does not come first.

You need to be completely honest with yourself and accept your actions and what they mean to those who love you. They’re telling your loved ones that they don’t matter and that they are not worth your time.

Also assumed reverse as you say how much they needed you and you promised.

You made a commitment and they arranged working hours around it. You’ve now backed out because you’ve found something you preferred to do.
They have helped you out when you needed it.
I’d be angry at you as well if I was them. You’re being unfair and are in the wrong.

Staggered school starts are a nightmare for working parents. They asked for you help with plenty of time and you have let them down. Don’t be surprised if they are less supportive next time you help.

This must be a reverse

A commitment is a commitment. If you have undertaken that for two specific weeks, you will look after your DGC, then that’s what you’re doing. The only thing that might change that is serious illness or if you have to go to a funeral - but a holiday? Sorry, No.

I've been to Spain several times over the last few years. It's never cost anything close to £1000pp

Plus what are they going to do now?

Obviously it's a reverse and yes it's annoying you've been let down. Staggered starts are a pain. You can ask the school to keep him for full normal hours from the start.

Bit mad that 2 parents with flexible working can't juggle one kid starting school and need an extra pair of hands! But you did commit to it so you should honour it.

there is always a cheap trip to Spain to be honest, so that's a bit lame

An obvious reverse.

Call the school, tell them your child is exercising his right to full time education from the start of term and then distance yourself from someone who thinks a cheap trip to Spain is a “once in a lifetime opportunity”.

100%

Noone could do this and genuinely believe their action is reasonable.

I think that you can refuse to do the staggered part if its impossible to organise. I think most children go to full time nursery for years before they start school and so are used to full days so the 2 hours here and there thing is just inconvenient and actually confusing. Might have been good back in the day when there were SAHP and children were used to being with one person all day but that isn't so much now.

My son and daughter in law feel this is very poor of me as they had asked me repeatedly if I was sure I could support and I had said absolutely. They arranged flexible working with their work and now have to take annual leave instead.

Yes, I’d be extremely pissed off too, if I were them,

You had been asked if you could help, you said yes then withdrew your offer to help them. I’d be annoyed too.

Obviously a reverse. Yea it’s annoying but that sounds like a great deal so you can’t blame mil. Don’t cut your nose off to spite yourself