AIBU to go on holiday instead of helping with grandson's school start?

[Limon22]

My daughter in law and son are very annoyed with me and have told me that my actions have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. My daughter in law says she needs space and time and I’m not to call her for the foreseeable, instead just call my son only if I want to speak to my grandson. I normally ring her this is why she has said this.

Their reasoning for being angry is because back in January they asked me if I could be available to help them when their son starts school - he’s starting reception and has a phased hours start for two weeks. They’ve asked if I could be available to come to their house or that they come to mine. One of them will work from home each day but they just want an extra pair of hands to juggle meetings and work requirements while their son isn’t in school for full days.

I have made myself available however my local bingo hall has organised a trip to Spain that my sisters are going to for the weekdays my grandson is doing his phased start.The trip is very cheap and I’ve never been to Spain so I’ve taken it as a once in a lifetime opportunity and said yes. My son and daughter in law feel this is very poor of me as they had asked me repeatedly if I was sure I could support and I had said absolutely. They arranged flexible working with their work and now have to take annual leave instead. They feel I’ve let them down for a better offer and are deeply hurt, saying that they or their son never comes first.

I had recent minor heart surgery and none of my family or partner could help me, however my daughter in law and son took time off work and made sure I was dropped off and collected, and that I wasn’t alone after.

Their argument is they drop everything for me when no one else does, but that I always put my partner and sisters before them. I feel this is unfair, my partner and sisters are in ill health and I’ve been with my partner for 30 years so they know he comes first.

I feel I’ve been made feel terribly guilty unfairly. I never have got to go away abroad and for such a cheap price I couldn’t say no. I feel they should understand. It’s also not my fault I needed heart surgery, I don’t feel I owe them for their support. He is my only son after all.

Note from MNHQ - OP later admits this is a reverse - please see later posts

If this isnt a reverse YABVU

What happened was have a DS and DIL who take time to help you when youve needed them. Then you committed to supporting your DGSs school transition. Got a better offer and dumped your commitment to your DGS.

Of course they feel youve treated them poorly and like they dont matter.

It isnt about anything beyond you committed and then let them down for a bingo hall trip. Your commitments should mean something to you.

What a bad reverse. Really annoying.

If you're going to do a reverse at least name change for it. You were a 40 year old who'd been married 10 years on another thread

£150 to go to Spain at the beginning of September? Yeah right.
Whether it’s a reverse or not, the MiL is totally in the wrong to let someone down when they assured them they would be available. Not surprised the DiL doesn’t want to speak to her.

They asked you 6 months ago! And you made a commitment. They were clearly worrying about how they would manage to cover this transition period and now, instead to helping you’ve made wit 10x harder! They’ve now got only 6 weeks to sort out something that they had believed was already covered.
You’ve made it very clear that neither they nor your grandson are a priority in your life.
I’d be so hurt and furious if this was me. Luckily neither my mum or MIL are that selfish.

Because they had asked you repeatedly and now you have let them down after saying you’d be available, that is unreasonable.
However their reaction is also unreasonable. They just need to accept that something changed and the Spain holiday is a good opportunity for you.

Everyone else manages their children’s school start, it will be silly if this causes a rift.

Hi all - yes it’s a reverse so sorry didn’t mean to cause upset.

Not much else to add though. That is the facts of the story. It’s not first time stuff like this has happened.

We don’t rely on her at all unless in special circumstances, or want anything. She lives a bit away and we are very much a couple who figure it out and work flexibly to have our much loved and cared for one and only (I say this because a few of the comments mentioned it was our choice to have kids and we shouldn’t rely on parents).

School transition is huge and our little boy will be one of the youngest in his year, so frankly challenging what the school recommends is not something I’d ever do - his wellbeing comes first. However I and my husband both work in high pressured jobs and juggling the needs of calls and direct teams, along with deadlines and office days is a bit of a challenge for two weeks. We had always said we could take annual leave but my MIL was adamant that her grandson comes first and she wouldn’t miss his first days at school for anything.

it’s worth mentioning that we’ve had many let downs. My husband had to go away for work once and I was due to be on a recruitment panel. My son was sick and we asked her to help but she couldn’t due to the Bingo Christmas lunch.

She had said Christmas is for children and that as she spends most of the year visiting her partner (he lives in another country in Europe but he won’t travel to her) that she would spend Christmas with us. That changed after the first Christmas. She then said that when she was in the UK she wanted to see us for dinner every Sunday. Well those plans have been regularly canned for Bingo, seeing friends and just generally a better offer. We had booked a rare date day that clashed with a jumble sale one weekend and had to cancel that. However when we do anything without her she gets annoyed. This year we’re spending my first Christmas with my family abroad in ten years - she said she’s going to fly her to join in. She’s not happy we’re taking our son out for his birthday without her next month (she’s coming to his birthday party on another day). It’s just always her way and she’s grandmother of the year as long as it suits her. She’s very petty. Gets jealous when my son says he loves me or any of my family. He said he loves his auntie the other day and he chimed in “oh but you love your nanny too”. The kid is three. It’s insane.

However my MIL has extreme health issues - and for appointments, procedures, everything - it is only us she turns to. She’s had two serious high risk procedures one of which resulted in an ICU stay and months of recovery, both times her partner didn’t come to see her. Her family didn’t offer to help or support her. It all fell on both of us as my husband is an only child.

We had huge infertility issues and baby losses, and my MIL made no secret of how devastating it was for her to not be a grandmother and how worried her family were about her as she was really struggling. She never ever truly cared about us and how we felt.

I’ve put up with it for 15 years, loved her and accepted her flaws and all. We’re a very self sufficient couple and always knew we’d be largely on our own so it’s never been that hard to manage. But I feel starting school is a huge milestone, and to be let down for such a poor excuse is horrible. As someone pointed out in a comment it’s clear our little boy and us just don’t matter to her. And you can’t sugar coat that.

I also have to protect my son. He can’t be let down as he gets older by someone who jumps every time she gets a better offer.

I’ve told her to not ring me for the foreseeable and if she wants to speak to her grandson to just call her son. And I’ve blocked her on everything for the foreseeable. It might seem over the top but I am deeply hurt. Just 8 weeks ago my husband was planning on missing a close friend’s wedding (where I was maid of honour) to ensure she was supported and looked after. This was my suggestion because I didn’t want her alone and vulnerable. But we just don’t get it back and I’m having to set boundaries moving forward.

Reverse or not who knows but either way a commitment was made and then bailed on for a better offer. Those two weeks phased entry are a nightmare for parents to coordinate, childcare, annual leave and work commitments so backing out at such short notice is very unreasonable

Yes, it’s ridiculous. Why not just write from her own point of view.

daughter in law isn’t unreasonable to need space, they are both right to be annoyed by this you don’t promise to help & then drop people when something better comes up its shitty

I think don’t promise something you aren’t going to prioritise. Of course they shouldn’t need 3 adults to cover one school aged child but you agreed to help and then decided something else was more important. If you’d talked to them first you could have said ‘this amazing opportunity has come up and I really want to do it. How about I have my grandson for half term or whatever so you can move your annual leave to cover this instead’. Or something like that. Just doing it and leaving them in the lurch is very annoying

(my husband and I are immigrants so we’ve never had a moment of babysitting or helping like this but can still see it’s terribly unfair)

Dreadful of you (?) to let them down. BTW if you have heart problems, I hope you’ve declared them to your travel insurance, I suspect once they know about it your “cheap” trip won’t be so cheap anymore

For some people it is a once in a life time trip. Not everyone can afford holidays and what do you mean you wouldn't allow someone to look afyer your kids after this babysitting someone else's kid for free is a massive favour. Id be thrilled if someone said your not babysitting for free again. Thats like saying to someone im not going to allow you to clean my house or do my ironing for free, great you've made my day

This is why reverses are so stupid. Nobody will read your update and will just give advice based on your first post

Absolutely agree, the MIL has given plenty of notice so the parents have time to organise themselves ahead of September. Why the vitriol?

Honestly, he’s your child, he’s yours to sort. If you have to take annual leave, you have to take annual leave.

You should've started with that, OP. She sounds awful—so awful that tbh you and your husband should never have relied on her. Now you know that it was a mistake. I'd definitely stop catering to her. Your husband can do what he wants, but I'd not go to any extra effort for her again.

Why do it as a reverse? It's stupid.

No one who has looked into going to Spain on a budget has concluded the only way it can be done is for £1000pp and then come across a comparative deal for £150pp.

I’ve just priced up Valencia in September, £225 each for two people sharing in a 4 star hotel. With more than 2 minutes research I’m sure I could get that down to £150 per person, so it’s not at all a once in a lifetime opportunity - it’s a pretty standard price for 4 nights in Spain.

I agree. I mean it is shitty of her, but it seems like you knew this was something she could do. You say you have such busy jobs, but that is your own choice, you also have a child. So plan for annual leave then.
Also when your child is sick, that is your problem, not someone elses.

Reverses are really annoying and unnecessary.

I can see why you are annoyed but you know she's unreliable. I would not be asking for childcare in future and definitely set more boundaries. You have a few months to sort out childcare now. Have you considered unpaid parental leave?

The snootiness of some responses claiming that ‘Spain is not a lifetime holiday’ are mind boggling. Lucky you to be so privileged that Spain is a completely bog standard, non exciting trip … to some people, it may well be a long held dream.

Of course he’s theirs to sort, they thought that had sorted it by asking the grandmother (and confirming repeatedly) to help.

Staggered starts are a complete pain in the arse when you’ve already got more school holiday days than annual leave will cover even if you split it completely between both parents, and a lot of holiday clubs won’t take under 5s.

And none of that is overly relevant - the main thing is she repeatedly made a commitment to do something, and then backed out. Even if it was really easy for the parents to find an alternative solution, it’s still shitty to back out of a promise.

You're the daughter in law, aren't you 😂

Edit- have seen you've admitted to the reverse.

But honestly. It's annoying AF to be let down like that. BUT if my mum or MIL had the same opportunity I'd be making sure they accepted. I'd feel terrible that they'd miss out on something like that just for my sake.

Putting the very annoying 'reverse' to one side, your MIL sounds utterly dreadful. Your relationship with her is completely one-sided where you and your husband give and she just takes. With reference to this particularly entitled cheeky-fuckery:

'This year we’re spending my first Christmas with my family abroad in ten years - she said she’s going to fly her to join in.

You need to absolutely put your foot down and tell her that she isn't invited and isn't welcome in your family's home.

If she spends most of her time with her partner who lives in Europe, I very much doubt that she can't afford to go to Spain another time. She just doesn't want to help look after your child for two weeks.