AIBU to go on holiday instead of helping with grandson's school start?

[Limon22]

My daughter in law and son are very annoyed with me and have told me that my actions have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. My daughter in law says she needs space and time and I’m not to call her for the foreseeable, instead just call my son only if I want to speak to my grandson. I normally ring her this is why she has said this.

Their reasoning for being angry is because back in January they asked me if I could be available to help them when their son starts school - he’s starting reception and has a phased hours start for two weeks. They’ve asked if I could be available to come to their house or that they come to mine. One of them will work from home each day but they just want an extra pair of hands to juggle meetings and work requirements while their son isn’t in school for full days.

I have made myself available however my local bingo hall has organised a trip to Spain that my sisters are going to for the weekdays my grandson is doing his phased start.The trip is very cheap and I’ve never been to Spain so I’ve taken it as a once in a lifetime opportunity and said yes. My son and daughter in law feel this is very poor of me as they had asked me repeatedly if I was sure I could support and I had said absolutely. They arranged flexible working with their work and now have to take annual leave instead. They feel I’ve let them down for a better offer and are deeply hurt, saying that they or their son never comes first.

I had recent minor heart surgery and none of my family or partner could help me, however my daughter in law and son took time off work and made sure I was dropped off and collected, and that I wasn’t alone after.

Their argument is they drop everything for me when no one else does, but that I always put my partner and sisters before them. I feel this is unfair, my partner and sisters are in ill health and I’ve been with my partner for 30 years so they know he comes first.

I feel I’ve been made feel terribly guilty unfairly. I never have got to go away abroad and for such a cheap price I couldn’t say no. I feel they should understand. It’s also not my fault I needed heart surgery, I don’t feel I owe them for their support. He is my only son after all.

Note from MNHQ - OP later admits this is a reverse - please see later posts

100% a reverse.

Either way, Granny has behaved appallingly and doesn't give a shit about grandson!

'Once in a lifetime' … it's Spain FFS.

I’m going to assume granny isn’t well travelled and this is a great opportunity at a great
price. Very annoying but is what it is

They have flexible hours sure they can juggle it between them like every other parent has too. Yanbu.

Obviously a reverse so just take it as a gift to get your pain in the arse MIL out of your life as much as possible and let DH manage her.

By way of help, aside from juggling and annual leave, don't forget you each have a statutory right to 18 weeks unpaid.

Not ideal, but may be an option. You can also look at whether the pay drop might make you eligible for extra support or if your workplace might offer a bridging loan or similar to smooth the impact.

Reverses should be banned! No one can comment meaningfully until we hear the reverse of the reverse.

I think it's an unfortunate turn of events but if you were my mum, had never been able to go abroad and then this opportunity had arisen I hope I would support you in grasping the chance and not try to guilt trip you.

They can use annual leave - it's not the end of the world.

If they cut you off they will be cutting off their nose to spite their face. I'm sure you are usually reliable, and a helpful nan that loves your child is worth their weight in gold. Just lie low - they'll get over it when they want something.

Worth noting that unless the parents agree to that phased start, the school will have to accommodate him on the usual full time timetable.

Obviously not spoken by someone that hasn't been abroad or thinks £1000 is a lot of money. Not everyone is as privileged.

Awful behaviour and attitude by you (or your MIL).

I’d be really disappointed if my Mum or MIL made this commitment and then let me down like this (though they are both fab and would never)

The upset will blow over I’m sure but the son and DIL will have learned their lesson about trusting Grandma’s promises and will no doubt act accordingly in future.

The part where you say your partner always comes first tells me you have let your kids down over the years for him so they are right to be dissapointed in your dropping them once again for something else.

I'd be fucking pissed off if i was them too.

Its not rocket silence. You've made a promise which involves specific plans wrt working hours over a short period of time and you've bailed to go to Spain 'because it's a cheap offer'!

What ever you decide to do going forward i think you should stop going on and on trying to justify it because it's a cheap holiday. It just sounds like you value your son an DIL less than a couple of hundred quid.

Mum, is thay you??

I had recent minor heart surgery and none of my family or partner could help me, however my daughter in law and son took time off work and made sure I was dropped off and collected, and that I wasn’t alone after.

The way you've worded this. Wow! "None of my family could help", but your son could? Is he not family?

Really telling about your attitude towards them. No wonder they're annoyed at you. Fancy making a commitment, repeatedly confirmed, to then back out

You were asked REPEATEDLY! I would also be extremely disappointed honestly as would you should the situation had been reversed…..I would personally cancel the trip, make amends with the family and take care of your grandson. Spain will always be there…your family may not. X

I think this has to be a reverse.

Obviously the person letting their dc down over childcare at such short notice is being unreasonable.

This. Why do they do this? I'm helping out with my DGC's phased start in September but already we have Teddy Bear's picnic tomorrow! And nursery have a graduation day!! It's madness

She’s let you down but there’s nothing you can do about it so just juggle as best you can and don’t ask her for support again.

YABU to book it without discussing it with them. (If this is really you and not a reverse!)

Fully on the side of the son and daughter in law here.

You'd made a firm commitment to them and now reneged?

I wouldn't trust you again in the future either so don't expect any sleepovers from your grandchildren.

Yes you can turn down the offer. You say "that sounds amazing but I've already promised to help my son and DIL out those days so I'll have to say no".

I mean, I say "you say" but I mean your MIL says, because this is clearly a reverse.

Do you not understand what making a commitment means? You told them you would help, and you committed to that months ago, and they will then have planned things like annual leave accordingly. You are no doubt now leaving them in a real mess.

You should not have agreed to help if you were going to flake out later on.
They are right to be extremely cross with you, i would be too.

The consequence will be thats the last time they'll ask you to help out - they will go to her mum instead as she'll probably be seen as more reliable. And no doubt in years to come you'll moan you don't get as much of a look in with the grandkids!!

Repeatedly checked that you could do this and then you say no for a cheap crappy trip to Spain-reverse and I'd be fuming too.

Letting them down after committing to helping is appallingly poor.

Especially when they were the ones, not your partner who comes first or your sisters, who helped you.

id be the same as your DIL.

I think this is a reverse but going to answer anyway.....

Yes you are unreasonable. You committed to helping them out. Repeatedly reconfirmed that was ok only to now 7ish weeks beforehand change your mind. The fact they repeatedly asked you makes me think you have form for changing your mind last minute. You could at least have asked them first, not just told they you are no longer available.

If I had arranged for someone to help out in this situation and now what feels like so close they changed their minds, I would also be angry and upset with them. I never expect anything from family or friends but if they commit to something, I would expect them not to go back on that commitment without at least consulting me first.

I think this is a reverse but going to answer anyway.....

Yes you are unreasonable. You committed to helping them out. Repeatedly reconfirmed that was ok only to now 7ish weeks beforehand change your mind. The fact they repeatedly asked you makes me think you have form for changing your mind last minute. You could at least have asked them first, not just told they you are no longer available.

If I had arranged for someone to help out in this situation and now what feels like so close they changed their minds, I would also be angry and upset with them. I never expect anything from family or friends but if they commit to something, I would expect them not to go back on that commitment without at least consulting me first.