AIBU to go on holiday instead of helping with grandson's school start?

[Limon22]

My daughter in law and son are very annoyed with me and have told me that my actions have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. My daughter in law says she needs space and time and I’m not to call her for the foreseeable, instead just call my son only if I want to speak to my grandson. I normally ring her this is why she has said this.

Their reasoning for being angry is because back in January they asked me if I could be available to help them when their son starts school - he’s starting reception and has a phased hours start for two weeks. They’ve asked if I could be available to come to their house or that they come to mine. One of them will work from home each day but they just want an extra pair of hands to juggle meetings and work requirements while their son isn’t in school for full days.

I have made myself available however my local bingo hall has organised a trip to Spain that my sisters are going to for the weekdays my grandson is doing his phased start.The trip is very cheap and I’ve never been to Spain so I’ve taken it as a once in a lifetime opportunity and said yes. My son and daughter in law feel this is very poor of me as they had asked me repeatedly if I was sure I could support and I had said absolutely. They arranged flexible working with their work and now have to take annual leave instead. They feel I’ve let them down for a better offer and are deeply hurt, saying that they or their son never comes first.

I had recent minor heart surgery and none of my family or partner could help me, however my daughter in law and son took time off work and made sure I was dropped off and collected, and that I wasn’t alone after.

Their argument is they drop everything for me when no one else does, but that I always put my partner and sisters before them. I feel this is unfair, my partner and sisters are in ill health and I’ve been with my partner for 30 years so they know he comes first.

I feel I’ve been made feel terribly guilty unfairly. I never have got to go away abroad and for such a cheap price I couldn’t say no. I feel they should understand. It’s also not my fault I needed heart surgery, I don’t feel I owe them for their support. He is my only son after all.

Note from MNHQ - OP later admits this is a reverse - please see later posts

Yea you have really put yourself in the firing line and I don’t blame them! Spain can be done very cheaply if you go outside school holidays - my son only paid £125 for return tickets and that actually was school holidays! Can be £50 other times.
I think they’ve done a lot for you and asked you well in advance and you assured them you could do it. Then you decide on a trip without even warning them? Yea I’d be pissed if with you.

And now you know the cost of that. If any of our parents committed to helping out with the start of school staggered hours so we could work and then just pulled out I’d be so shitty. You’re not trustworthy or reliable. They dropped stuff to help you - why couldn’t your partner help? Why doesn’t he put you first? Looks like you just lost the people who actually do put you first. Oopsies. Lucky you get to go to Spain! You’ve fucked up op, and it’s not clear if this was a stupid mistake or if this is just you - all these other people in your life are more important and of course you put them first, while you let down your son and dil who actually have put you first.

And now you know the cost of that. If any of our parents committed to helping out with the start of school staggered hours so we could work and then just pulled out I’d be so shitty. You’re not trustworthy or reliable. They dropped stuff to help you - why couldn’t your partner help? Why doesn’t he put you first? Looks like you just lost the people who actually do put you first. Oopsies. Lucky you get to go to Spain! You’ve fucked up op, and it’s not clear if this was a stupid mistake or if this is just you - all these other people in your life are more important and of course you put them first, while you let down your son and dil who actually have put you first.

All I could think was 'reverse' also as I read the OP. I would be bloody annoyed if my parents had let me down like this if it is true but I doubt it is really the Mum saying this.

They may well not have enough annual leave left as they may have booked it for other times, given they though grandma was covering this

All I could think was 'reverse' also as I read the OP. I would be bloody annoyed if my parents had let me down like this if it is true but I doubt it is really the Mum saying this.

They may well not have enough annual leave left as they may have booked it for other times, given they though grandma was covering this

In any other circs it would be completely fine but you made a commitment to them which you binned off at the drop of a hat.

Starting school is a big transition which is really hard to manage if you have 2 working parents

If it's a reverse... yes your MIL sucks but you have 6 weeks to work out alternate childcare. Just get on with it and dont rely on her in future. I wouldnt be bothering my arse with her much after this though..it's a fucking annoying thing to do and for a 4 day trip to Spain 🫠😵‍💫 if it was the Galapagos I might be more understanding

In any other circs it would be completely fine but you made a commitment to them which you binned off at the drop of a hat.

Starting school is a big transition which is really hard to manage if you have 2 working parents

If it's a reverse... yes your MIL sucks but you have 6 weeks to work out alternate childcare. Just get on with it and dont rely on her in future. I wouldnt be bothering my arse with her much after this though..it's a fucking annoying thing to do and for a 4 day trip to Spain 🫠😵‍💫 if it was the Galapagos I might be more understanding

Yea you have really put yourself in the firing line and I don’t blame them! Spain can be done very cheaply if you go outside school holidays - my son only paid £125 for return tickets and that actually was school holidays! Can be £50 other times.
I think they’ve done a lot for you and asked you well in advance and you assured them you could do it. Then you decide on a trip without even warning them? Yea I’d be pissed if with you.

usually I'm always on the 'granny isn't automatic free babysitting, be grateful for what you get,' side but I agree you've really been unfair here. The actual circumstances don't matter that much - once you've made a commitment you should stick to it baring absolute emergencies - not dump it once you get a better offer.

The fact that it sounds like your son and DIL are always the first to help you out yet you prioritise everyone else over them is just added icing to an already shit cake.

Your partner also sounds crap if he can't even help you after surgery. Being with someone for 30 years doesn't mean you have to put them first over your children - presumably you've known your son for even longer than that?

You've really shot yourself in the foot here - you're only getting older, next time you need help they aren't going to be willing to step in and you'll have to fund it yourself.

That's taxis you'll have to fork out for any further trips to hospital/dr etc, plus supported living costs etc when your useless partner or your bingo-fun sisters isn't able to help - all in all you've probably lost tens of thousands of pounds of goodwill help from them, let alone damaging your relationship with your son and grandson - all for the sake of £150 holiday.

However if it's a reverse YABU because they are completely unnecessary and annoying.

usually I'm always on the 'granny isn't automatic free babysitting, be grateful for what you get,' side but I agree you've really been unfair here. The actual circumstances don't matter that much - once you've made a commitment you should stick to it baring absolute emergencies - not dump it once you get a better offer.

The fact that it sounds like your son and DIL are always the first to help you out yet you prioritise everyone else over them is just added icing to an already shit cake.

Your partner also sounds crap if he can't even help you after surgery. Being with someone for 30 years doesn't mean you have to put them first over your children - presumably you've known your son for even longer than that?

You've really shot yourself in the foot here - you're only getting older, next time you need help they aren't going to be willing to step in and you'll have to fund it yourself.

That's taxis you'll have to fork out for any further trips to hospital/dr etc, plus supported living costs etc when your useless partner or your bingo-fun sisters isn't able to help - all in all you've probably lost tens of thousands of pounds of goodwill help from them, let alone damaging your relationship with your son and grandson - all for the sake of £150 holiday.

However if it's a reverse YABU because they are completely unnecessary and annoying.

I think this is a reverse but going to answer anyway.....

Yes you are unreasonable. You committed to helping them out. Repeatedly reconfirmed that was ok only to now 7ish weeks beforehand change your mind. The fact they repeatedly asked you makes me think you have form for changing your mind last minute. You could at least have asked them first, not just told they you are no longer available.

If I had arranged for someone to help out in this situation and now what feels like so close they changed their minds, I would also be angry and upset with them. I never expect anything from family or friends but if they commit to something, I would expect them not to go back on that commitment without at least consulting me first.

If two parents, one working from home, can't deal with one child starting school, how on earth will they fare as the years go on.

It's pretty shitty of you to say you're available, allow them to make plans on that and then pull the plug on it. I hope it rains every day you're in Spain.

Yes you could turn it down as you'd already committed to helping with your grandson.

£150 for 4 days?? Are you walking there and sleeping on the beach?

it's the phased hours and short days for the first few weeks that are the issue, there's no childcare provision that covers these unless you already have a childminder who's flexible. Once they're in fulltime school then the usual after school clubs, holiday clubs, childminders etc are in operation, and it's a more acceptable time to end your working day!

“…they had asked me repeatedly if I was sure I could support and I had said absolutely.”

“I had recent minor heart surgery and none of my family or partner could help me, however my daughter in law and son took time off work and made sure I was dropped off and collected, and that I wasn’t alone after.”

“Their argument is they drop everything for me when no one else does, but that I always put my partner and sisters before them. I feel this is unfair…”

You agreed to support them repeatedly then let them down for a better offer. They supported you when you had no one. You have let them down and I’m not sure why you feel that you are being treated so unfairly given what you have said, especially given the support they have given you. Your DIL took AL to help you and was probably banking the rest for a holiday knowing she wouldn’t need it for the start of term. As it is she’s used AL on you for you to let them down and now they need to use more for the start of school. It’s incredibly selfish behaviour of you @Limon22 It’s a really shitty thing to do. I hope Spain is worth it.

I hope this is a reverse. If not you are min-blowingly ignorant.

£150 for 4 nights in Spain? Send me the link please. I would like to book

You're 39 with one child (yes I searched your previous posts). As everyone guessed, this is a reverse.

On the face of it your MIL is being unreasonable. However we haven't actually heard her side of the story. Therefore YABU.

To be honest op I think it’s your attitude that probably hurts them more than anything!! You don’t even seem to be a little bit sorry for changing plans last minute on them and going back on your word, and letting them down, massively!
you said in January that’s you’d help and repeatedly confirmed you would, now it’s July and a better offer has come along you’ve let them down.

it’s lovely that there is a trip to Spain and you’ve never been and got the opportunity but did you even talk to them about it and see if it would be doable for them to make different arrangements?
you should have just said no to helping instead of being flakey.
they now know they cannot rely on you at all which is very sad.

it a very stressful time for a lot of parents when their child starts reception and you’ve just added to that where as they seem to take lots of stress away from you when you need it. I’d also be very let down and I think your son & DIL are right in not wanting to talk to you now.

If this isn’t a reverse then shame on you. You made a commitment. They looked after you when you had surgery and your own partner wouldn’t help and you pay them back like this. If you go then I’d say good luck seeing your grandchildren after this

This sounds like a reverse.

Either way, MIL is unreasonable in this particular situation because she made a committment to help then went back on it, showing herself to be unreliable.

In future, son and DIL should take her out of the equation for childcare arrangements - use AL, wraparound care and flexible working. MIL doesn't babysit, just spends time with GC when parents are also available. I wouldn't risk being let down because my babysitter has a better offer, take it off the table then nobody feels frustrated/let down and bitter. Better for the relationships all round.

You did promise and it’s rather unfortunate. However they have plenty of time to sort something out.