AIBU to go on holiday instead of helping with grandson's school start?

[Limon22]

My daughter in law and son are very annoyed with me and have told me that my actions have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. My daughter in law says she needs space and time and I’m not to call her for the foreseeable, instead just call my son only if I want to speak to my grandson. I normally ring her this is why she has said this.

Their reasoning for being angry is because back in January they asked me if I could be available to help them when their son starts school - he’s starting reception and has a phased hours start for two weeks. They’ve asked if I could be available to come to their house or that they come to mine. One of them will work from home each day but they just want an extra pair of hands to juggle meetings and work requirements while their son isn’t in school for full days.

I have made myself available however my local bingo hall has organised a trip to Spain that my sisters are going to for the weekdays my grandson is doing his phased start.The trip is very cheap and I’ve never been to Spain so I’ve taken it as a once in a lifetime opportunity and said yes. My son and daughter in law feel this is very poor of me as they had asked me repeatedly if I was sure I could support and I had said absolutely. They arranged flexible working with their work and now have to take annual leave instead. They feel I’ve let them down for a better offer and are deeply hurt, saying that they or their son never comes first.

I had recent minor heart surgery and none of my family or partner could help me, however my daughter in law and son took time off work and made sure I was dropped off and collected, and that I wasn’t alone after.

Their argument is they drop everything for me when no one else does, but that I always put my partner and sisters before them. I feel this is unfair, my partner and sisters are in ill health and I’ve been with my partner for 30 years so they know he comes first.

I feel I’ve been made feel terribly guilty unfairly. I never have got to go away abroad and for such a cheap price I couldn’t say no. I feel they should understand. It’s also not my fault I needed heart surgery, I don’t feel I owe them for their support. He is my only son after all.

Note from MNHQ - OP later admits this is a reverse - please see later posts

I get it OP because we don’t get much family support either and I have a FIL who cannot be relied on whatsoever as he promises to help then drops the offer last minute with some bullshit excuse. We subsequently learnt never to ask him and even if he offers, we won’t rely on this and will ensure we have a back up.

You should have done the same here, I’d have booked annual leave regardless and if she wanted to also come along and see him off at school then fair enough. You know she has history of this sort of thing so I don’t know why you didn’t think it through. Luckily you have 2 months to sort it so hopefully work will be ok.

Hello @Limon22 we've added a note to your OP. Thanks for clarifying that the thread was a reverse. We don’t expressly prohibit reverse posts, but they can frustrate users who feel they’ve responded in good faith without having the full context.

exactly, reverses are stupid, and if it's only 4 days it's not exactly a crisis situation? Why ham it up, just stick to the bloody facts if you want genuine opinions.. oh hang on, I see the problem.

And also, what is this bullshit:

already he (OP's son) is detaching (from MIL) and that will only get worse

What because she wants to go to Spain for 4 days?

You're massively over reacting. Yes shes let you down but move on and pay for help. Dont rely on her in the future

Well I see why you want to go but I also see why they are upset so you the choice was a cheap trip to Spain or a relationship with your son and grandchildren and you made your choice very clear.

I am not one for adult kids using access to grandchild to force their parents to help with childcare, but the difference here is you already committed to helping them and then you pulled out when a better offer came up.

When you add the fact that you had surgery and no one came to help you except your son and his wife yet when they needed your help and you committed, you pulled out because of a cheap trip to Spain.

If I'm reading this correctly this was a request for help as he passes into school not a permanent commitment right?

This is on you.

"have told me that my actions have been the straw that broke the camel’s back"

This also suggests that there is lot of backstory where and there have been other things that have upset them and this was the final straw. What else has happened before this?

Edit: I see it's a reverse which is annoying. Either way you know where you stand with her so set your expectations accordingly and never depend on her and yes let her son deal with her going forward.

My Mum was like this. Promised all sorts, but if her latest BF wanted her attention I was dropped like a hot brick. In the end, DH and I just stopped asking because I couldn't rely on her at all. It hurts like hell, and I would honestly take a huge step back because she wants your time/attention but can't give it in return. And you only end up getting more and more resentful.

I am amazed they still do it. When DS started reception back in 2008 they had all this malarkey. 2 hours then till lunch then till after lunch etc. I basically told him that he will do until lunch then I pick him up. I think 7 out of the 16 parents did similar. Lunch break was spent transporting him to the nursery.

Can't really see any benefits to it. He had been in nursery 4 days a week from 9 till 5.30 since 7 months

Honestly if she’s let you down so severely before, I’m surprised you even asked her.

She’s flaky. Let her be, just don’t rely on her. And if she gets upset, let her.

Unreasonable to make a promise and then back out for something like this however disappointing it might be missing out on the holiday.

Yes and they thought a good number of them would be palmed off on MIL which is why they are so upset. If they won't allow her to going forwards they will have to do it all themselves.

My youngest is 8 (with special needs) and I have a couple of days booked off at the start of September to support his return to school.

I am very grateful for any help my child's loving grandparents give - but we are not entitled to anything. I always try to make sure we can manage ourselves and any help is a bonus.

I’m not bothered by the reverse.
Your mil is unbelievably selfish.

Totally agree with this.
I disagree with staggered starts and fortunately our school doesn’t buy into that rubbish. But you can’t back out now.

Your MIL is a bitch. Reverse or not, she really sucks. If you make a commitment you’re bound by it.

I can understand your MIL wanting to go on the holiday, and had it happened against a back drop of there being reciprocal help and support between you all, and she'd discussed it with you before pulling the rug, I'm sure she would have been able to go with no hurt feelings. The problem in my opinion is the history of let downs and the feeling of being unimportant, despite all your support of her. Life shouldn't be transactional, but you should treat others as you would wish to be treated, and it's unfair when things are all onesided. Have you considered what your response will be the next time your MIL expects your help with something? Obviously you won't stop your husband doing as he chooses, but if he's not available what will you do?

Reverses are stupid.

After the first time of being let down, you should have found a reliable paid alternative.

There is no way a flaky person can be asked to commit and uphold that commitment months in advance.

Even more ridiculous then.

Circumstances change, kids are ill, schools have inset days. If the parents can’t cope with rearranging things for one week so that their mother can go on a trip with her friends then they’re going to have a real struggle ahead.

Thanks all going to end it here. But appreciate the insight. Have sorted it with work today. And we’re all fine. I’m just sad we mean so little to someone we’ve always prioritised. But we have one another and great jobs, and we adore our little boy. So it’ll all be good.

so sorry for annoying people with the reverse. Won’t ever do one again!

@BeckyAMumsnet can you close the thread please. X

I think if MIL pulled out the week before that would be pretty irritating. But if she has told you in July there is quite a lot of time to find alternative support if you need to.

Having read your updates you know that Nan is unreliable. You just need to accept that Nan is unreliable. This doesn't need to be the major source of upset for your son that you are worrying about. Just don't tell him if Nan is due to come to visit. If she comes she comes, if she doesn't she doesn't. Make sure any plans you make don't rely on her.

Yes, I agree with you. Obviously it will be harder for parents to manage the staggered start to school, but if OP has a ‘ once in a lifetime opportunity’, ( and people can be sniffy about that being a trip to Spain with the bingo club), then she shouldn’t be made to feel guilty.

No she didn't. Read what she's said. They asked her BEFORE she was asked to go on this trip.

Going to Spain isn't really a once in lifetime opportunity though is it?

Yes she sounds like a PITA and I agree about channeling through your DH as it’s not your job to deal with her.

On the other hand I can see that she might have very much wanted to go on this holiday and you do have time to sort something else out with work/ alternative childcare. So on the holiday I can see her perspective. But not everything else.

We'll close your thread now - glad you got the summer sorted.