AIBU to go on holiday instead of helping with grandson's school start?

[Limon22]

My daughter in law and son are very annoyed with me and have told me that my actions have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. My daughter in law says she needs space and time and I’m not to call her for the foreseeable, instead just call my son only if I want to speak to my grandson. I normally ring her this is why she has said this.

Their reasoning for being angry is because back in January they asked me if I could be available to help them when their son starts school - he’s starting reception and has a phased hours start for two weeks. They’ve asked if I could be available to come to their house or that they come to mine. One of them will work from home each day but they just want an extra pair of hands to juggle meetings and work requirements while their son isn’t in school for full days.

I have made myself available however my local bingo hall has organised a trip to Spain that my sisters are going to for the weekdays my grandson is doing his phased start.The trip is very cheap and I’ve never been to Spain so I’ve taken it as a once in a lifetime opportunity and said yes. My son and daughter in law feel this is very poor of me as they had asked me repeatedly if I was sure I could support and I had said absolutely. They arranged flexible working with their work and now have to take annual leave instead. They feel I’ve let them down for a better offer and are deeply hurt, saying that they or their son never comes first.

I had recent minor heart surgery and none of my family or partner could help me, however my daughter in law and son took time off work and made sure I was dropped off and collected, and that I wasn’t alone after.

Their argument is they drop everything for me when no one else does, but that I always put my partner and sisters before them. I feel this is unfair, my partner and sisters are in ill health and I’ve been with my partner for 30 years so they know he comes first.

I feel I’ve been made feel terribly guilty unfairly. I never have got to go away abroad and for such a cheap price I couldn’t say no. I feel they should understand. It’s also not my fault I needed heart surgery, I don’t feel I owe them for their support. He is my only son after all.

Note from MNHQ - OP later admits this is a reverse - please see later posts

Sorry didn’t think the reverse would wind so many up apologies. But I appreciate the validation by so many.

My MIL told me we were terrible to make her feel guilty and she absolutely shouldn’t. And I just wanted to gage reaction. But after sleeping on it I calmly know so I need to step back. My husband can do what he wants I’d never stop him seeing or being there for his mom; and given he’s the love of my life as long as I’m supporting him that’s all that matters. As for my son, kids know who love them and care for them. I won’t stop him seeing her or bad mouth her etc. but already he’s detaching and that will only get worse. That’s for her to deal with not my problem.

Edited as this is a reverse so comment no longer applies

Yes don’t worry I have done. I just come from a family where you look after your elders. So it’s quite tough for me to be so cold but it’s really the only way to protect our peace. Hard to set the boundaries but necessary.

@Limon22 sounds like my mother. Will swear and promise and bleat that she will do 'x' thing and then let me down at the last minute. Shes convinced others she practically raised my lot but she had them every once in a while when it actually inconvenienced me to be frank but I allowed them to see her but if I NEEDED her to do something she would always dump us for something better. Shes now fully on the periphery of our lives.

A grandmother is not a commercial babysitter and in most cases it's a relationship which benefits the child, the parent and the grandparent. My mum 'babysits my children for free' AKA 'has a relationship with them' which she cherishes. If I told her she couldn't spend time with them she'd be devastated, she wouldn't be thinking 'Great! I don't need to babysit for free anymore'.

Did the Op say how much they were planning on paying MiL for the childcare? Or was it a freebie?

Because we all know that Granny Childcare doesn’t happen for a few half days reception settling in. It’s also for INSET days, cover for 48 hour sickness exclusion, snow days, half term holidays, the long six week holiday,chickenpox etc etc etc for the next ten years until the child can be left in bed with an iPad and a hot water bottle.

And now you know the cost of that. If any of our parents committed to helping out with the start of school staggered hours so we could work and then just pulled out I’d be so shitty. You’re not trustworthy or reliable. They dropped stuff to help you - why couldn’t your partner help? Why doesn’t he put you first? Looks like you just lost the people who actually do put you first. Oopsies. Lucky you get to go to Spain! You’ve fucked up op, and it’s not clear if this was a stupid mistake or if this is just you - all these other people in your life are more important and of course you put them first, while you let down your son and dil who actually have put you first.

Reverses are annoying because they rarely give an accurate version. It's clear who you are making out to be the villain when the truth could be different. However, if your mil is flaky anyway I agree to just let your DH crack on with the relationship how he sees fit. Don't go out of your way to include her and don't get guilt tripped when she misses out on things. Make the most amazing plans for you and your family and crack on. I also wouldn't let her muscle in on Christmas with your family.

The problem with a reverse @Limon22- is you never really do it from their point of view. Your MIL might have said something like - you have the option to have your dc in full time from first or second day, and as he’s used to childcare, would be one of the children who are used to being away from Mummy all day, but they won’t do that. They can work from home or get time off for the full period so they don’t really need me there, they just want a second pair of hands and I’ll be missing my trip away to just sit on the sofa watching dgc watch tv while my son in the next room anyway. etc.

From her point of view it’s not that you need her there, you just want her there.

(having had 2 dcs go through this, I’d say if your child is already used to full days of childcare, don’t do the reduced hours, it does really only benefit those who aren’t used to a full day away from home. It also makes it easier for the school if everyone does full days or reduced hours so they won’t encourage you to go for full days unless the majority are.)

I understand about wanting to take up on the Spain offer but she should have asked first if you could get organised in another way. Not just decide to go.

You do sound very anxious for the school start- don't worry- he will be fine! And maybe it will even be better not having Mil there- she sounds extremely selfish and not necessarily someone I would like to spend too much time with my kid (I wouldn't trust her judgment tbh).

If OP was here slagging her MIL off for not taking a child with a sick bug, I’d agree with you.

I’d also agree with you if OP was simply cross at her for not agreeing to help at all during the staggered start.

The issue is the repeated agreement and confirmation that she’d help, followed by the backing out.

Don’t you try to stick to the things you say you’ll do??

In this case granny day care is abroad for most of the year. She hasn’t had our son since last August. We juggle sickness and inset days ourselves. Half term I have booked annual leave to take my son to my home country. And for inset days it happens to coincide with a milestone wedding anniversary so he is coming to Italy with us for three nights. So you can take your assumptions elsewhere.

we asked for support with school starting as the the transition is big and we just wanted to make sure he’d lots of love and care through the change. There’s nothing more to it.

They are being ridiculous and entitled. They wanted free childcare but now they’re trying to make it out as you not caring about your grandchild.

What is your plan for wrap around once DS is at school? If it is a nanny/child minder can they start earlier?
I.have mixed views on the phased start, I think for some kids it is better just to start as they will go on.
asking the school for full time from the off is worth a try if it is really difficult to.manage. Two weeks is far too long anyway, I think DD had 5 days Wed -Fri and Mon & Tue which was plenty!

It is not entitled to expect someone to do something they have repeatedly committed to doing.

Also, it's a reverse.

I don’t understand MILs like this.
We even have DC babysitting WhatsApp group that my family and my in-laws are in. I put “could do with DC2 being looked after on 18th as DC1s birthday.” And both grandmas snap my hand off to have their grandson. My kids saw my mum this weekend and my littlest was majorly ticked off that we wouldn’t let him sleep over (because school!) and my dad got shitty with me because I wouldn’t let him.
My in-laws are just as bad! Every chance they get they’re here, getting DC from school, taking them swimming or singing lessons or back to their house for a sleepover.
You absolutely need boundaries!! This woman is not a “nanny” she’s a bitch.

I feel for you. In the modern middle class we always have to "think about it from the other side" and "be kind".

Sometimes people just need to be spoken to directly "are you joking? You regularly ask for responsibility and then let us down in a way that we would never do for you and your appointments so drop the sad granny act and either be reliable and dependable or dint be, but don't go giving me sad eyes when you're treated the way you behave: like you're unreliable".

Just tell her. You've got enough on your plate without managing the feelings of an emotionally immature woman who has had decades to learn better.

But we don’t have the option. We’ve been given a schedule and that’s what we’ve been asked to stick to. I’m not going to challenge that with the school and get off on a bad start.

Also my MIL never ever suggested we don’t utilise her, she was adamant she would support us and how important it was to her. It’s the sheer principle of the fact she has bailed and we’ve to just sort it. Had she said no all along it would have been fine. My team have holiday, I’ve huge deadlines and milestones, plus I’ve already made other holiday plans to account for the fact we didn’t need annual leave for those two weeks. It’s just a struggle for a reason that doesn’t feel like it should take priority over her grandson. Bingo in Benidorm is more important than the one time she could actually help us? She’s the nanny she wants to be when it suits her and I just find it horrible and insincere. Her partner and gambling (excessive bingo) have always come before my husband. No way is she treating my son like this.

Sure you'd feel the same if they cancelled on granny and her health appointments after repeatedly saying they'd do it. Entitled, eh.

A trip to Spain doesn’t feel like once in a lifetime.
you’ve gone back on a promise in my eyes.

We have that all covered, I’ll be taking two afternoons a week off and my husband will be taking one afternoon off. Then we’ve care for other days sorted.

the phased start is literally for three days he goes in for an hour and a half and over ten days builds it up to a full day.

I was ready to be on your side until you said you had already 100% committed to it. I think it’s pretty shady of you to renege on that.

Agree with you op
step back
let your du deal with her she’s a selfish user
and it won’t get better so stand firm

I fucking hate reverses!

Yes she has been shit but sounds like she has form?

If the Spain trip is 4 days, MIL can still help for at least some of the other 6?

School transition is huge and our little boy will be one of the youngest in his year, so frankly challenging what the school recommends is not something I’d ever do - his wellbeing comes first

In that case then surely you book the first week off and DH the second? Or some variation of this? Instead of relying on MIL to begin with.

£150 each for 4 days is going to be a really major crap holiday. And for that you have upset long standing plans and a ,not unreasonable, request for help at a difficult time. Thats a bit of a blinder really.