AIBU to go on holiday instead of helping with grandson's school start?

[Limon22]

My daughter in law and son are very annoyed with me and have told me that my actions have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. My daughter in law says she needs space and time and I’m not to call her for the foreseeable, instead just call my son only if I want to speak to my grandson. I normally ring her this is why she has said this.

Their reasoning for being angry is because back in January they asked me if I could be available to help them when their son starts school - he’s starting reception and has a phased hours start for two weeks. They’ve asked if I could be available to come to their house or that they come to mine. One of them will work from home each day but they just want an extra pair of hands to juggle meetings and work requirements while their son isn’t in school for full days.

I have made myself available however my local bingo hall has organised a trip to Spain that my sisters are going to for the weekdays my grandson is doing his phased start.The trip is very cheap and I’ve never been to Spain so I’ve taken it as a once in a lifetime opportunity and said yes. My son and daughter in law feel this is very poor of me as they had asked me repeatedly if I was sure I could support and I had said absolutely. They arranged flexible working with their work and now have to take annual leave instead. They feel I’ve let them down for a better offer and are deeply hurt, saying that they or their son never comes first.

I had recent minor heart surgery and none of my family or partner could help me, however my daughter in law and son took time off work and made sure I was dropped off and collected, and that I wasn’t alone after.

Their argument is they drop everything for me when no one else does, but that I always put my partner and sisters before them. I feel this is unfair, my partner and sisters are in ill health and I’ve been with my partner for 30 years so they know he comes first.

I feel I’ve been made feel terribly guilty unfairly. I never have got to go away abroad and for such a cheap price I couldn’t say no. I feel they should understand. It’s also not my fault I needed heart surgery, I don’t feel I owe them for their support. He is my only son after all.

Note from MNHQ - OP later admits this is a reverse - please see later posts

I think it's unfair you agreed and then changed your mind.

I don’t think you are being that unreasonable. It sounds like a good opportunity for you. My DH and I have absolutely no help with our kids as all grandparents are elderly or unwell. So we just have to figure it out, take time off work, etc but we manage. Are we jealous almost everyone else we know having grandparent support? Hell yes.
Have a wonderful time in Spain

This is why parents should never rely on grandparents to help with childcare. I hope this cheap holiday will be worth the fall out with your family.

So obviously a fucking Reverse

You surely know that these are loathed OP

You are out of order. Team DIL here.

You could have and you should have.

Spain is not a “once in a lifetime” trip, but even if it had been a once in a lifetime trip that would not excuse you.

I personally would not be allowing you to look after my children after this because you are unreliable and untrustworthy.

Why do people post these tedious reverses? Just post as yourself FFS.

Obviously this is a reverse post.

I feel for the DIL. When our son was a new born we asked my MIL to help with childcare (it would be 2 days every 2nd week) when I returned to work in 12 months. She took time to think about it and came back to us a few days later agreeing to it. 6 months later, she asked for confirmation of which days/times it would be, which I gave her and she confirmed this would be fine.
ONE WEEK before I was due to return to work, she called in the evening to say she couldn’t help after all. Even worse, she admitted she’d known for at least four months that she was going to pull out, but came up with a load of excuses as to why she hadn’t (one of these excuses was that she’d been in hospital for four days so for some reason hadn’t been able to tell us over the past four months???)
to this day it pisses me off that she didn’t even apologise or realise why we were so angry and upset. She even tried to say it was partly our fault because we hadn’t been reminding her of it??? But I have proof from WhatsApp messages that I had confirmed days and times multiple times in the run up to me returning to work.
we were very lucky that a great private nursery local to us had space at such short notice.
MILs are sometimes wonderful, sometimes pains in the bum! 😂

YABU for it being a reverse. I think telling her you won’t speak to her for tje foreseeable is a bit much tbh - it is shit she let you down but also is this a one in a lifetime opportunity for her? If she’s never been somewhere like that then maybe she’s spent a good deal of her life sacrificing for everyone else. If that’s the case I see both sides tbh.

Yes you could turn it down , you choose not too ..

MIL is a twat! Bang out of order.

Come off it! If this is real and isn't a reverse, OP is being really unreasonable and an absolutely crappy parent/grandparent. She has said:

'I had recent minor heart surgery and none of my family or partner could help me, however my daughter in law and son took time off work and made sure I was dropped off and collected, and that I wasn’t alone after.

Their argument is they drop everything for me when no one else does, but that I always put my partner and sisters before them. I feel this is unfair, my partner and sisters are in ill health and I’ve been with my partner for 30 years so they know he comes first.

I feel I’ve been made feel terribly guilty unfairly. I never have got to go away abroad and for such a cheap price I couldn’t say no. I feel they should understand. It’s also not my fault I needed heart surgery, I don’t feel I owe them for their support. He is my only son after all.'

Her son and DIL were the only people in the family that stepped up to help her when she had surgery. But she actually says that she doesn't owe them anything, not even gratitude, for their support. She can now live her life without their help and support. I hope the cheap holiday is worth it.

Got to be a reverse because most people aren’t this selfish. I feel sorry for your son, DIL and grandson- didn’t you know that it’s bad manners to
decline helping them because you got a better offer? Don’t expect help from them in future- you are happy to take but not give which is crappy behaviour.

The MIL has given 3 month notice. It's only reception half days. The parents are wfh and can surely juggle between them and make do for a week without needing to tantrum straight to AL. The parents need to get used to it, there are many school holidays, inset days, sicknesses coming up. Not to mention Xmas shows and the like. The MIL has a great opportunity and would be a shame to miss it. I think the parents are being a bit tight here.

Reverse posts are so fucking tedious. If you were confident that your MIL is being unreasonable you’d just post the actual situation from your own point of view.

You had a prior arrangement, YABVVVU. I can see why they’re annoyed with you.

Is this just rage bait!? Of course you are being unreasonable.

Dont make commitments you cant keep!

Its so hard being a working parent! You can go to Spain anytime. You only have a few years of children being little! You dont get that time back.

This sounds like a reverse. I think it's a shitty thing to do to back out when they had asked you repeatedly for help and you agreed. Especially if they are there for you in general. However, it's a massive overreaction to cut you off for choosing a holiday over childcare; they seem petty. Sure express annoyance and then move on, knowing that you are unreliable and therefore not asking for your help in this kind of situation again. Their child is their responsibility. This is an 'everyone sucks here' I feel.

A holiday in Spain a 'once in a lifetime opportunity'?

Tell me you're joking.

"I've been with my partner 30 years so they know he comes first." Wow. No matter how old my children are, they will always come before a partner, always.
You needed surgery and they BOTH took time off to be there for you so they are obviously fairly decent people yet you have spectacularly dropped them in it. You are "entitled" to your holiday but they are just as entitled to be furious that you have let them down so massively. You are not obligated to help with your grandson but it BECAME an obligation when you said yes. You are completely in the wrong here but it sounds like your son and grandson come after yourself, your partner AND your sisters so I'm not sure you actually care.

Presuming this is a real situation you have done a really shitty thing. I hope you don’t have any further medical issues in the future.

£150 for four days in Spain will probably mean a really horrible coach journey and a very cheap hotel. Your son already knows he and his family rank below your partner, sisters and bingo cròwd.

If i was offered a cheap holiday with sister and friends to Spain I wouldn't be turning it down to look after someone else's kid. And I wouldn't expect someone to miss out on a holiday to look after my kids I'm the parent It my responsibility and I will make it work. I appreciate anyone who babysits my kids for free but they shouldn't miss out on a holiday due to it.

Honestly, because you had promised repeatedly, I think it's unreasonable to change your mind. It would be different if you had a health problem or something else unavoidable that prevented you from helping after promising. I understand not wanting to miss out on an amazing opportunity, but you could have discussed the holiday chance with your son first before presenting it as a done deal. Though to be honest, it doesn't sound like they'd have insisted that you should go. Either way, I understand that they'd be frustrated with you when you've reassured them that you'll be there, then changed your mind for something that isn't an emergency.

(I also thought this seemed reverse-ish.)

Lol! There is absolutely nothing to indicate that OP's son and DIL would be cutting off their noses to spite their faces because we have no idea whether OP is usually a reliable and helpful grandmother. Her dismissal of all the help and support that her son and DIL gave her when she had surgery shows clearly how ungrateful and entitled she is.

Her son and DIL checked with her several times to ensure that she would be available during the two weeks that her grandchild was on reduced hours at school and she reassured them that she was.

I would bet good money that OP will be the loser long term if her son and DIL pull right back from her. Her partner and sisters are in poor health so won't be able to help and support her as she gets older. I bet she will live to regret this selfish decision.