AIBU to think a New Zealand wedding is too much to expect?

[Hadenoughbringmechocolate]

I am looking for thoughts as am genuinely torn on this issue.

My husbands sibling has informed us they are getting married in 18 months time. We are delighted for them- their partner is lovely. The dilema is that they are planning the wedding in New Zealand. The entirety of my husbands family live in the UK, my soon to be SILs family are in NZ. The reason for having the wedding there is that the NZ family members would not be able to afford to travel here (or anywhere halfway).

AIBU to think it is a huge presumption that the UK contingent can all afford to go? Everyone who has been invited is ok money-wise as far as I know, but this will mean intense saving and no other holidays etc to allow us to attend. It will also mean using the vast majority of holiday days that we have for the year.

On the one hand I think we just get on with it, we are so happy for the couple. On the other - we are a family of four and will likely be paying more than the cost of the wedding to travel there / hotels etc and it is a bit much to expect?

My view has always been its an invite not a summons, and if you plan these sorts of trips you have to expect people may not be able to go. However it has quickly become obvious that there is a high level of expectation (and emotional guilt tripping) for those who have tentatively said it may be too much for them to do.

My reaction would be if I really wanted to go to NZ and would have time to see some of the country and could afford it then I’d go to the wedding. If not then I wouldn’t go. So what if they keep asking and pressuring you, just distance yourself and keep saying no.

i think they are very unreasonable- affordability is an issue, another issue is if people don’t have enough leave (as many parents have to take leave to look after kids in school holidays so you can’t save it up for the trip). I have to say it would firm my resolve not to go.

New Zealand is an amazing country. It offers pretty much whatever you want to do – whale watching (eg, Bay of Islands), culture (eg, Rotarua), wine tasting (eg, Hawke's Bay), death defiance (eg, Queenstown), cool cities (eg, Auckland), amazing views (eg, everywhere). I've been numerous times, and would go back for more. It's a Bucket List Country.

If you're keen, look at different flight options. For those of us who commute regularly between the Antipodes and UK, 20+ hours is not a big deal, but it's a long flight for the uninitiated, especially if you're in economy ...

Breaking up the flight can be a way to go - it may not be that expensive to fly to a destination in SE Asia and stay there for a night to break the flight and have a sleep. I have done this hubbing through Singapore.

For jetlag, my experience is that the optimal time to land at your destination after a long-haul flight is from about 4pm-9pm, as you have dinner and then go to bed. A lot of the UK-Aust flights arrive at 6am (in both directions!), but there are outliers (eg, Qantas LHR-PER is absolutely perfect, arriving in Perth at around 4pm local time, but it may be too frightening for you). (Edited to add: you'd pick up a Qantas or Air NZ flight over to NZ from Perth.)

Other tips for jetlag are to take melatonin for the first few days, and to have a sleeping procedure – hot shower (to drop the temperature when you get out - mimics sleep pattern), eye mask, etc. That said, jetlag can be a bit random.

I hope you enjoy your future trip to NZ, OP!

I think I’d decide with your husband and be clear from outset if you decide no that you aren’t going then it’s not you backing out or letting them down. Manage expectations from outset.
You love them and wish them well but it’s not realistic budget wise to pay for 4 adults to go - flights, food, transportation, accommodation etc, outfits, things to do.
Not sure age of your teens but my head immediately jumped to supporting teens through uni. If they are min loan you are looking at 12,000 a year expected contribution. I wouldn’t be doing anything to leave finances tight with that on horizon.

A beach in Bali is a good halfway house- closer to the New Zealanders, but also a lovely holiday destination for any UKers that can afford to attend. Having it in the UK or NZ is unfair- they need to give equal, or nearly equal opportunities to attend.

I married a South African so had the same issues. Wherever we chose, a different side of the family had to travel. So we decided to chose where we wanted with the understanding some might not be able to come. I think it very unfair for the bride and groom to be guilt tripping you if you genuinely can not afford it.

I've also been on the other side with DH's siblings. We have had to travel to Australia for 2 wedding in the past 5 years. Its expensive but as it was his siblings we have made it work. We have had to not have any other abroad family holidays in that time and use the majority of leave for those years in that period. Its hard but ultimately you have to decide is it worth it for you and your family.

I would not be spending £15-20k on someone else’s wedding. No chance. Your teens are likely to be bored in NZ. I wouldn’t even consider going, and would make it clear at the outset.

I would however offer to help organise a wedding party here in the UK, so they can celebrate with family, send a lovely gift and wish them well. If they are moving there you won’t be seeing much of them anyway, it will become a distant relationship.

I travelled a lot before having children. I genuinely never really considered how expensive it is to pay for their flights + mine.

Point the actual cost out. It genuinely didn't really occur to me as daft as that sounds

BUT.... if you can swing it, it would be FAB. I loved NZ. Just a beautiful breath-taking country.

We stayed in a lot of hostel, but in private rooms, a lot are also 4 bed dorms. Check out reviews to find family friendly ones.

Also 'cooking' a lot of your own food will help - by that I mean buying the stuff for packed lunches and a box of cereal.

My cousin went to a wedding in NZ she said they had so much fun. About 50 of them flew over from Ireland.

I don’t think OP and family should go but I can’t imagine many teens being bored in NZ @SummerPeonies2026. It was one of our most successful holidays with teen DS he did tubing with glow worms, a jet boat outing, LOTR visit and many other exciting activities plus a day trip to Bondi Beach on the way home . Granted the jet lag was a bit of a killer.

I do think though that spending all
that money and time to get there and then being expected to erect a marquee in someone’s backyard might be a bit annoying.

Friends of ours booked non-refundable flights well in advance to go to a family member’s wedding in NZ. It was a lot of money for them. Unfortunately in the meantime the wedding got called off 😢 They did go over anyway and had a nice holiday, but it wouldn’t have been their choice.

Having said that, NZ is fab and you could have a great family holiday out there.

But you’re right, it’s an invitation not a summons.

It's just how it is. We got married in the UK and some rels and friends from the USA, Scotland and NZ could afford to come and some couldn't but we did a grand tour of the highlands and NZ to see those who couldn't, putting that expense on us and of course didn't think any the less of those who didn't make it - it's a lot of $$ for a few hours fun. We got a lot of nice diners out of it ; )

While the line stream option is a good compromise before committing to watching it with everyone in law who isn't travelling remember there is a 13 hour time difference between the UK and NZ.

Don't commit to watching with everyone else, you can watch it on your own at your convenience.

Also I can see why she would prefer to have the wedding in NZ as it's closer to her family and also she feels her family wouldn't be able to afford the trip. I can also see from your perspective why you may feel slighted by the assumption the UK family can afford it but I'm sure she knows not everyone will travel given the costs and distance.

She would be seriously unreasonable if she gets upset that many people can't travel from the UK to NZ for her wedding, there's no indication of that for now so make your decision based on what works for you and your family, let them know asap and move on.

I would definitely go.
my son lives in NZ with his NZ girlfriend and we have found airbnbs work for us and we borrow their car ( insurance is different there, they insure the car not the person driving it) look for flights on skyscanner or ask travel agents to book to get the best deals flight connections.
They live in Christchurch so lots to do when you are there too, make it an adventure you may not get the chance again

If you get married abroad or to be frank in the same country but miles away from where anyone lives, you have to expect people won’t attend. It comes at an enormous cost to people in terms of travel and accommodation, not everyone can afford it.

Are you also going to be expected to travel with and accompany your MIL? It’s not mentioned but I wonder if the expectation will be there.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable for the bride to want to get married in NZ, but it is also perfectly reasonable to decline the invite. When you book a wedding so far away from guests you have to have the attitude of gratitude for anyone who attends, but understanding for anyone who does not.

I think in your scenario I would go if it’s a place you want to visit/haven’t been before and can make it a proper holiday with lots of time just you as a family, without spending it all with wider family. And obviously only if you can make it work financially.

We got married in Southern hemisphere in the early 2000s. We did what we wanted - complicated families meant we didn't want all the hassle of a UK wedding. We honestly weren't bothered about anyone coming (though it was the same for both of us so a bit different I suppose) and we had organised a big party in the UK for when we for back. In the end my mum and sister came and DHs mum. It was lovely to have them there, but we didn't in any way expect them to fly half way across the world to be there, though we were very grateful that they did.

We ended up doing a round the world trip and got married towards the start, so the rest or it was really a honeymoon I guess. We flew onto NZ whilst our relatives flew home. It was cheaper to get a round the world rocket than a straight out and baxk which is bonkers really as NZ is roughly half way. We went out via LA, as it was cheaper going that way round (it feels weird somehow!?) and its supposed to reduce jet lag, which it did. So stopover in LA, 2 and a half weeks in NZ, week in Aus and a few nights in Singapore to break the journey up.

NZ was absolutely amazing. Scenery is stunning and loads of activities to do. People are lovely. We did manly B&B and hostels to keep accommodation costs down (in NZ anyway) and hired a car and went all over. It was a brilliant holiday and its the one of the few places I've been to that I'd love to go back to (Canadian Rockies being the other).

We used Trailfinders for flights and they were amazing, made loads of little suggestions that really helped. I dont know if they're still in business but definitely worth looking at. We found in NZ, we often got breakfast where we were staying and we just bought cheap stuff from a supermarket for lunch so we didnt actully spend that much food wise.

Loads to see and do so definitely worth thinking of holidaying there, and working around the wedding. I would try and maximise time therr if you can, we got back to UK early sunday morning and went to work Monday! Also worth noting regional flights in the UK didn't cost us any extra on top of our tickets so we could get a close to home airport and change at Heathrow.

Equally if you decide not to go, dont feel guilty about it, its a long way and expensive.