AIBU to think a New Zealand wedding is too much to expect?

[Hadenoughbringmechocolate]

I am looking for thoughts as am genuinely torn on this issue.

My husbands sibling has informed us they are getting married in 18 months time. We are delighted for them- their partner is lovely. The dilema is that they are planning the wedding in New Zealand. The entirety of my husbands family live in the UK, my soon to be SILs family are in NZ. The reason for having the wedding there is that the NZ family members would not be able to afford to travel here (or anywhere halfway).

AIBU to think it is a huge presumption that the UK contingent can all afford to go? Everyone who has been invited is ok money-wise as far as I know, but this will mean intense saving and no other holidays etc to allow us to attend. It will also mean using the vast majority of holiday days that we have for the year.

On the one hand I think we just get on with it, we are so happy for the couple. On the other - we are a family of four and will likely be paying more than the cost of the wedding to travel there / hotels etc and it is a bit much to expect?

My view has always been its an invite not a summons, and if you plan these sorts of trips you have to expect people may not be able to go. However it has quickly become obvious that there is a high level of expectation (and emotional guilt tripping) for those who have tentatively said it may be too much for them to do.

The live stream is a great idea, I'll share with my husband. He has a good relationship with his sibling so might be worth suggesting.

It is a bloody long way to fly for a wedding and with two kids. I flew economy to Australia years ago and it was hard going. And NZ is further. I wouldn't consider going again unless it was business class. And you need at least 3 weeks to get over the jet lag and enjoy yourselves.

I don't want to make them sound awful as they aren't. I think perhaps so excited about the wedding and a bit naive?

I would honestly keep encouraging your DH to go on his own as it'll be so much cheaper than all four of you. OK, he'll have limited AL left, but it's only for that year.

If other family members are going, perhaps he could also do some sight-seeing with them? Perhaps we're unusual, but my DH and I often do separate trips to see people as our families are globally scattered. It's the only way to make it work financially with a family of four.

My cousins got married in NZ about 18 years ago. Two weddings (two cousins) a week apart in different towns. Cousins from UK, both brides from NZ. There was no expectation but a lot of family made it out there (a lot didn't, of course). It remains one of my favourite holidays.

We don't have much money so we could only manage just over a week, and we couldn't take the teens with us, but we were so glad we went.

Their wedding is a huge deal to them and so assume it must be a huge deal to everyone else too. Give them a little time and they will realise that not everyone can be expected to magic up cash, use all their holiday time to indulge them. However, if you can convert it into your annual holiday (during school break, convenient otherwise) it might be a really lovely thing to do. NZ is a stunningly beautiful country, kids will love the coastline, sea life and spectacular walks.

@Hadenoughbringmechocolate I’m very surprised they have this attitude. Certainly not what I’ve seen and most people are pragmatic by doing 2 events. My DD went to a wedding in South Africa recently and combined that with a holiday for her and DP but that was doable as the wedding couple paid for attendees to stay for 5 days in 2 locations and then DD and DP did 8 days in 2 more locations on top. That worked well but it’s not NZ and didn’t require as much money, time or effort.

If you can afford it and can turn it into a family holiday at the same time then I don’t see a huge issue. It’s a one off, it’s his brother and while not ideal, that’s just the way it is for international couples, someone’s family will have to travel. 18 months is a long time to save and traditionally you do the wedding in the bride’s home town. If they are based in the UK normally even more reason to do the wedding in NZ. I would find a way to make this work without complaining if it was me but up to you and your DH obviously.

The only unreasonable aspect is them expecting you to attend.

Reasonable for them to have a wedding there
Reasonable for you to attend/not attend.

The only couple I've known like this forced people to attend but two years down the line wouldn't attend my wedding in the next county because they had a baby and it was too difficult/expensive to travel.

So we live in the UK and went to a wedding in Australia once in a similar situation DH was best man and bride and family were from Australia. However it was pre kids and therefore less expensive and we combined it with a holiday. We had an amazing time and whilst everyone from the UK side didn't go lots did. They had a party when they got back too. If it happened again now I don't think we would go cause of the kids or maybe just DH would but I understand why that's not always an option.

I've noticed that people we know that gave emigrated are often more lonely or disconnected with their new Country and culture than they actually let on. They want people who understand their perspective on events like weddings to be with them as these are often the times when culture differences are the most obvious. Weddings are a life milestone and I would imagine it will be hard doing it in a different Country so far away from where you were brought up without family and friends. So I can sort of see why they might be a bit pushy to get you there. But I think it not reasonable to go beyond saying how much they want you there. After that they should just accept your decision.

It’s a gorgeous country and would be a trip of a lifetime but you can’t magic up £20k! Maybe your husband go by himself? He can stay a week/10 days rather than a month or whatever if you went as a family. It would be far cheaper and would no doubt mean everything to his sibling.

There was never going to be an easy solution to this. Presumably the couple have been honest about the respective wealth of their families and they have concluded that, overall, the UK contingent have more money. I think that the NZ side must be quite significantly less well off because, if you think about it, there is such a variety of other things to do in Europe that it would be much easier to sell the idea of “making a holiday of it” to the Kiwis than to the Brits. (I have been to NZ, it’s fine but pretty dull if you are not into outdoorsy things).

It also sounds like the couple intend to live in the UK so perhaps they feel it is only fair for the NZ side to get the wedding when the other side get to see the couple regularly in the future.

I’m sure this all feels quite tough for the UK half of the couple. Suspect he or she is pushing the “go on, you can afford it” line out of a fear of having nobody or very few people there and missing family terribly on the day. It’s probably just come across a bit too forceful. I’m sure they know that most will have to decline. But don’t ask, don’t get, right?

Cross post @Goatsarebest !

I totally agree if there is an expectation that you attend.

I understand them getting married in NZ - of the “international” couples that I know, getting married in the country where they don’t live seems more common, because they don’t see that family anywhere near as much so I think it’s very reasonable to have the wedding there.

But they must understand that it’s a huge ask in terms of finances and time! They’re being dicks if they’re trying to guilt people into attending.

Good that you and DH agree on not going. It's difficult telling close family but surely they will understand. It's not just a three hour car journey is it? Crazy stuff to expect a family to cough up for a wedding half way around the world. Well with no offence to NZers it would not be top of my list for long haul travel. Too isolated, that's why most of the younger ones are here!

They could have a small ceremony here and maybe as a wedding present the UK side of the family could club together for a buffet meal or something, since they think it's too expensive to do both.

My sister got married in Las Vegas. At the time our mother was very ill and none of us could go. She didn't mind, and we had the most hilarious time in my living room, all twenty of us watching her in the Little Wedding chapel on a live stream. it was fabulous. They had a gathering when they got home. I know it's not the same thing as the New Zealand gig, but still - there are ways around it if the B+G play ball.

I think it's unfair for them to be assuming everyone can attend. My SIL got married in Australia and had a big family party when she got back so they should at least do something for the UK side.

I would say you are not sure yet to manage expectations but if you can feasibly do it then go for it.

Definitely this

1. Live stream for the NZ event....

2.in lieu of the bride and groom bothering... which they should as 2 parties is the norm on these circs.... your DH / dh family should throw them a UK party (presumably its around Xmas so hire a pub private room or do xmas party food at someone's house)

Zero chance of me attending unless I cpuls plan it arpund a 3 -4 weeks holiday.to NZ /Aus and it was on my bucket list....

I'd announce my non-attendance early it might embolden other people to save thousand of pounds.

I think you are right re. my husbands sibling- it clearly would mean a lot to have family there. I understand that as it will be such an important event for them - and that's what is causing me to pause and try to weigh up whether we go.

Interestingly there is talk of them moving there (again really happy for them if thats the choice they make). It wouldnt be prior to the wedding.

This sounds lovely! We'd be happy to help with a UK party or similar if they did decide to do this.

I have family in NZ and it is a long way - we only really see each other in the flesh every 5 years or so, but we did all go to each other’s weddings. If you want to visit the country then it could be a good opportunity to do so. The flights are manageable with stopovers - we last went when dc were all under 10. I do understand what the bride to be means re affordability - it is cheaper for us to go there than for them to come here, due to the exchange rate (or used to be anyway - accept this could have changed) - obviously flights are expensive either way. A good way of seeing the country for lower cost is to hire a camper van for all or part of the trip - camp sites are very good! All of that said, it should be up to you with no pressure from them - it’s a lot to ask.

If you can combine it with a holiday that you would actually enjoy then go. If not, tell them it is too much of a stretch for a family of 4, but you'd love to mark their wedding with them when they get back. I recommend a campervan holiday in NZ. We took the children to visit family and it worked so well. I will never forget waking up with a perfect view of a pristine beach.

This 100pc
Totally unreasonable expectations of soon to be married couple!

I would only go if I could turn it into a holiday over several weeks in order to tour the country. We both worked at a university and could apply for extra unpaid time off for ‘life events’ including holidays such as this. Too far to go/pay for ‘just’ a wedding. We went for 8 weeks and it cost about £20k including 3day layovers outbound/inbound. That’s for 2 of us.