AIBU to think a New Zealand wedding is too much to expect?

[Hadenoughbringmechocolate]

I am looking for thoughts as am genuinely torn on this issue.

My husbands sibling has informed us they are getting married in 18 months time. We are delighted for them- their partner is lovely. The dilema is that they are planning the wedding in New Zealand. The entirety of my husbands family live in the UK, my soon to be SILs family are in NZ. The reason for having the wedding there is that the NZ family members would not be able to afford to travel here (or anywhere halfway).

AIBU to think it is a huge presumption that the UK contingent can all afford to go? Everyone who has been invited is ok money-wise as far as I know, but this will mean intense saving and no other holidays etc to allow us to attend. It will also mean using the vast majority of holiday days that we have for the year.

On the one hand I think we just get on with it, we are so happy for the couple. On the other - we are a family of four and will likely be paying more than the cost of the wedding to travel there / hotels etc and it is a bit much to expect?

My view has always been its an invite not a summons, and if you plan these sorts of trips you have to expect people may not be able to go. However it has quickly become obvious that there is a high level of expectation (and emotional guilt tripping) for those who have tentatively said it may be too much for them to do.

I got married abroad and whilst some people came, not everyone did - like the grandparents or my pregnant sil. So we had a big party back here and I always look back fondly at the two celebrations.

If it's too much money wise, don't go. Get them to video it and watch it back later. Celebrate with them when they get back home.

I’m team YOLO. New Zealand is amazing. It’ll probably be your only chance / excuse to go as a family if your kids are already teens. Memories for a lifetime. Plus I’d die before missing a sibling’s wedding, but that’s me.

If you can’t make it I like the idea another suggested of those who can’t afford it chucking in a fraction of what it would have costed to attend (say a few hundred each) to fund a lovely UK party.

If you can’t make it also do go to new zealand in this lifetime. You will NOT regret it. Stunning country, lovely hospitality, amazing food. I’ve been heaps (no family connection just love it) and it would always trump a years’ worth of holidays in other places

House swap is an amazing idea. There are loads available as many kiwis have family ties to the uk and want to come over

I agree with this (although if you don’t want to spend the money / time, then you shouldn't feel obliged!)

I would say that we spent 3 weeks on holiday in NZ (1 week travelling on north island & 2 on south island) & it was amazing - one of our best holidays, so I’d definitely recommend it as a family holiday!

My BIL married an Australian. They both lived in the UK. This is what they did: wedding in Australia, then, a big reception in the UK (she wore her wedding dress). At the start of this they showed the video of them exchanging vows. The reception was very much like a normal one with sit down dinner speeches etc. It meant they got to celebrate with both Wyses if the family and no one felt left out. They certainly did not expect anyone to go halfway around the world.

I think if people have one lot of family literally a day away, they should do 2 ceremonies, obviously smaller than the norm, but if they choose not to, they have to understand a lot of people won't be going. Many older family members might need very expensive insurance, for a start (yes it's possible younger people will too, but more likely to be extortionate for older family);

I think if people have one lot of family literally a day away, they should do 2 ceremonies, obviously smaller than the norm, but if they choose not to, they have to understand a lot of people won't be going. Many older family members might need very expensive insurance, for a start (yes it's possible younger people will too, but more likely to be extortionate for older family);

You need to cost it out, then look at what savings you already have, how much more you can save and whether you are likely to need money for other things (car breaks down, repairs to house). Bear in mind that you may not have 18 months to save. It sounds like you would need to book flights some months in advance and for 4 of you that could well be the biggest cost. Double check your kids are invited too. I get the impression BIL is younger than your DH and probably doesn’t realise the logistics of a family travelling. They may have assumed you’d leave them at home.

I wonder if they know the actual cost to OP though.

@Hadenoughbringmechocolatewe wouldn’t be able to do this and I’d be annoyed at being guilt tripped.

although it would be a great experience - some of the time is forced (the wedding so that’s 3 days gone of your holiday). Then few days for travel and jet lag. So you actual holiday that you save for, use AL for and may not be able to have a holiday again for….may be reduced to 1 week. And beware of other family expecting to meet and do other things.

I think just keep it simple. If you decide it’s too much money and pressure then say so. We can’t afford that.
the live stream is a great idea and a party in the UK. Bride can wear her dress again and get another cake!!

In all fairness it’s quite a rubbish idea and just takes away from specialness of the ceremony

That's an insane amount of money, we wouldn't be able to afford that on a holiday so I would just say "sorry that's too expensive for us so we aren't going to be able to come".

I can't believe they expect you to spend that!!

You have 18 months to save up £15,000!!! Is that even including food and activity money? That’s a crazy amount to presume you can afford! Anything could happen with your cars and house in terms of repairs! My house has needed the stop cock, boiler and toilet plumbing repaired this year! I honestly think that’s insane to go! I’d ask husband to explain to his brother that he cannot afford it but would love to watch a live stream followed by a party when they get back. I honestly think that’s more than reasonable.

I wouldn't go just for the wedding but if you can turn it into a big, long family holiday it would be amazing.

Decline! CF to demand guests to fly to the other side of the world and not pay for flights or accommodation. Just say you can’t afford it.

And the cost of flights if you book right now is "low"; they jump up ridiculously higher if you wait until September to book. If I were in your situation, I'd not go for the wedding, but save up to go visit them when they're settled there and will appreciate having family from the UK visit. That way you get to budget for it in your own time at your own pace and choose when is best for your family to go. I'd be pushing for either a small celebration in the UK after the wedding (that perhaps the UK family members can pay for) and/or for the actual wedding to be live-streamed.

Have you not read the Op?? The wedding couple live in the UK.

I have read the thread. They currently live in the UK, but are thinking about settling in NZ sometime after the wedding.

Interestingly there is talk of them moving there (again really happy for them if thats the choice they make). It wouldnt be prior to the wedding.

Don't overstretch yourself. You never know what is round the corner in terms of unexpected expenses.

but that's kind of not relevant to comapre the cost to the B and G of the wedding with the cost of the OP's family to travel to NZ. I am also assuming that the NZ wedding cost doesn't include return travel for the B and G?

The South Island can indeed be very hot, it's often hotter than the North Island in summer.

Why do people who have only visited a country spout nonsense as if they know everything about it?

It’s not a destination wedding if it is her home country. That changes the dynamic from an unreasonable request to simply one that is inconvenient.

Extended family don’t need to travel that far. Parents, siblings, and if possible grandparents should be looking at ways to make this trip feasible. Leaving behind spouses and children is a good solution. Keep the trip short.

no. People "should" be deciding what they choose to do. Its not an unreasonable request but it may be an impossible one.

You don't know what position people posting are in in terms of knowledge.

The fact remains the entire country, including the parts zoned as temperate, which is most of the country, are not hot like the Australian outback or even Spain. Spots in the South Island have recorded highs - and, apart from the West Coast, tend to have less rain - but generally the warmest part of the country remains the north of the North Island.
Anyway, point being, given the number of people who happily holiday in tropical countries and the Med, the OP is not going to struggle with heat in NZ.

but if bride is from NZ and groom uk half the guests would need to in either event? I don’t think branding them as CFs is very fair what do you suggest they do?

People don’t generally have multiple weddings in different locations

The pp wrote "I've been there at that time of year" which indicates they were visiting, otherwise they would surely have written I live/have lived there.

I never said it was like the Australian outback, or Spain, so your comment on that is superfluous. The hottest (and coldest) parts of the country tend to be inland regions of the South Island. The north of the North Island is certainly warmer overall, but it can get hot in the South Island in summer - which is something many NIslanders seem blissfully unaware of.