AIBU to think a New Zealand wedding is too much to expect?

[Hadenoughbringmechocolate]

I am looking for thoughts as am genuinely torn on this issue.

My husbands sibling has informed us they are getting married in 18 months time. We are delighted for them- their partner is lovely. The dilema is that they are planning the wedding in New Zealand. The entirety of my husbands family live in the UK, my soon to be SILs family are in NZ. The reason for having the wedding there is that the NZ family members would not be able to afford to travel here (or anywhere halfway).

AIBU to think it is a huge presumption that the UK contingent can all afford to go? Everyone who has been invited is ok money-wise as far as I know, but this will mean intense saving and no other holidays etc to allow us to attend. It will also mean using the vast majority of holiday days that we have for the year.

On the one hand I think we just get on with it, we are so happy for the couple. On the other - we are a family of four and will likely be paying more than the cost of the wedding to travel there / hotels etc and it is a bit much to expect?

My view has always been its an invite not a summons, and if you plan these sorts of trips you have to expect people may not be able to go. However it has quickly become obvious that there is a high level of expectation (and emotional guilt tripping) for those who have tentatively said it may be too much for them to do.

I got married abroad last year and the reason was mostly the same although it’s both our home country my family all live abroad so mostly to help hubbys family . I would be disappointed if my siblings didn’t go as I know they can afford holidays abroad yearly , this doesn’t mean I would be upset if they didn’t go or that I don’t appreciate them going . Had a quite a few friends going and again I appreciate them so much and I will always remeber it .
I don’t think there is right or wrong here . If you can’t afford or don’t what to go I think that’s ok

Location is near enough to an airport. Hadn't considered this, will look into it- thanks!

No one is saying anyone must attend the wedding,

They're dropping big hints by saying it's only "x month to save per month" though.

If you can't afford it OP, you can't afford it.

That isn't your fault, but it isn't their fault either, nor is it their relatives in NZ's fault if they similarly can't afford the same trip in reverse.

It is all just a complication of family far apart.

If you can't manage the cost, just say so and it's on them if they get cross about that.

But I don't think blaming them is fair either.

The most sensible choice for them was to choose either NZ or UK for a wedding - which they have done. Some people won't be able to afford it. It doesn't need to be more complicated than that.

Probably Mt Taranaki, called NZ MT Fiji as it looks just like it,

My Nephew went out to live in NZ and met a girl there. The wedding was in NZ. We went out for 3 weeks road trip from Queenstown to Auckland ending up with the wedding. We had a fabulous time, definitely a holiday of a lifetime. They were really grateful we came and her family was so welcoming.

I've no answer but something to consider - if you think they are serious about moving out there in the near future - is whether you would prefer to visit NZ once they have a home where they might be able to host you, more time to explore with you, and the ability to pick the dates that may be less expensive and work better as a family.

Given you say that you wouldn't be able to go back in a hurry that could be the difference between seeing them regularly, witnessing their marriage, and seeing them again back in the UK or missing their wedding but seeing them regularly, until they move, but know that once they move you would be able to save up and make the excuse to visit them at some point.

They clearly should have 2 ceremonies, one in nz, one in the uk. Or they pay airfairs for all uk guests they want there. Then only they are forking out the extra ££ not 1 side of the family. I'd politely decline even if it was a siblings wedding, it's just too much to pay for someone else's wedding.

Back in real life, most people make a big effort to attend weddings at the other side of the world, and make a holiday out of it if they can afford it

@ZanyPoet but if they can afford it, then they don't need to make a big effort, do they?

Yes they can get married wherever they want but it was rude to tell people "oh, you only need to save x per month" as by my reckoning even if it's just a couple going for a fortnight you're talking circa £8k. That means saving £450 per month for the next 18 months. How many couples could afford to do that, or £900 per month for a family of four? I know we couldn't. Our annual week in the sun costs us around £2k.

If it’s the airport I’m thinking of, it would depend on what type of holiday you wanted with the other 2 weeks. I personally think the south of New Zealand is the most picturesque, so if you fly into the north then there will be quite a lot of travel time if you were interested in seeing the sights in the south. I ve done a mixture of motels using car hire, then also travelled with a campervan. Motels were in towns, whereas the campervan we were parked up in front of mountains.

What do you want to experience while you are there? That might help decide if it’s worth it compared to other holidays you could go on if not attending the wedding.

It’s a cheek to say it’s fine for you to spend £20k attending someone else’s wedding but unaffordable for them to host a UK based celebration of some kind for their own wedding (which I think could be done for an awful lot less than £20k). They could save £x a month….

I wouldn’t have my savings and holidays dictated for the last years of my children’s childhood by anyone else’s wedding, sibling or not.

Suggest they live stream it. I did this for my Mum's funeral last year and it worked perfectly. Mum's immediate family are in the UK, but the rest of her family are in various parts of Canada, and most watched online. The added bonus is that you usually get a recording that you can download.

I had a friend who married a Kiwi and had their wedding in New Zealand, and I managed to wangle a decent amount of time off work so I was able to spend a week or so before recovering from the jet lag and travelling around, a long weekend for the wedding and then a couple more weeks for holiday. BUT it was somewhere that I'd always wanted to go, and I wasn't having to pay for 2 teens to go too. Personally, I would say you'd like to go, but you can't commit to anything at this point, given it's 18months away and you're going to need some time to work out the practicalities. There's a lot that could change in that time - more conflict in the middle east could make flights significantly more expensive, MIL's health could take a turn for the worse, you or DH's work situation may change etc. They need to understand that it's not the same as just taking an internal flight from one end of the UK to the other, and they can't just assume that everyone will be able to do that, so arranging a beamback or an alternative celebration in the UK at the later date for those who can't make it makes sense.

It would be such an amazing opportunity to stretch to it if you could.

If not, could your husband attend on his own?

Honestly, I'd suck it up (presuming I like the sibling).

It sounds like it'll be a great shared memory. Far more meaningful than a handful of other holidays added together.

If you don't like the sibling, or simply cannot afford it, then don't bother. You shouldn't be under any sort of pressure.

But then I love a good excuse for an adventure. Especially as you have said you do want to go to NZ, have over a year to save, AND you haven't ever been before.

No brainer. The only reason why you are hesitating is that you feel obligated because of the unfair pressure.

Better if they marry in one and repeat the ceremony in the other. To expect either family to spend tens of thousands is so selfish.

Sorry Mt Cook / Aoraki . Heat is getting to me.

I don't really think there is much unreasonableness on either side here: they want your family to go as the family of the brother of the groom; you might not be able to go as it's v.expensive.

From the future-SIL perspective.. I'm married to a NZer and we had our wedding in the UK. We met here and so that's what made most logical sense. We had no expectations of extended family/friends attending but, I guess, very much hoped/ assumed his siblings and parents would make the trip over. It was all made easier as it was pre-DC and his siblings weren't NZ-based but still a long-haul flight away. We then saved to pay for an AirBnB to accommodate DHs family for the week of the wedding. I feel like that went some way to ease their financial costs and to show how much we appreciated them making the trip over.

We had planned to have a separate party in NZ but COVID put pot to that.

I know it's been said, but if it all works out too expensive, perhaps your DH could travel on his own and go for a shorter amount of time? We are planning on going this Xmas, and flights are (only!) about £2k via Malaysia. Wouldn't recommend US as customs is terrible and we've missed connecting flights in the past.. & anywhere has a stopover near Iran.

YANBU. If people want to get married in a particular place abroad for family reasons etc, fine- but I find the guilting of guests to come too to be very, very selfish and presumptuous. Get your greedy paws off my annual leave. Suggest they live stream, as cited upthread.

We got really pushed to go to a wedding abroad for DHs mate last year (in brides home country). We advised as soon as it was brought up with 10 months to go that we wouldn't be going - genuine personal reasons but we also privately baulked at spending the time & money going to a country neither of us wanted to visit. They really tried to cajole at least DH into it. The groom likes to push to get his way and I think he was stunned when DH wouldn't budge.

We also saw them exactly week later at the UK leg of the wedding- which we'd always been invited to and had immediately said we'd attend. It's nice to be wanted abroad as well as at home but weddings are expensive to attend and it just started to look arrogant.

AIBU to think it is a huge presumption that the UK contingent can all afford to go?

Yes.

This wouldn’t be a dilemma for me, of course I’m not going to NZ for a wedding.

I think this is just a pretty unfortunate side effect of marrying someone from the other side of the world. If they have the wedding there, the uk family aren’t happy, but it would be just the same if they had it here, the kiwis would be put out. It’s a no win really and I feel for the couple. It may feel they’re being pushy or naive but I expect a lot of it comes from not wanting to face up to the disappointment that people who are deeply important to them possibly (probably) won’t be there. It’s hard for everyone.
If you can afford it, I’d really try and make it happen. It’s a big deal BUT you shouldn’t feel guilty if it’s out of reach. No one could possibly blame you, reasonably, for opting out.
DH and I lived in NZ for a time and have lots of good friends there still (and still have pangs of regret for coming back!) and were invited to a friends wedding earlier this year, a friend who came to ours 7 years ago. We felt so honoured to be invited but of course, it was a massive ask, both financially and in terms of time-commitment. We went back and forth on it a lot!! You just have to do what’s right for you!

NZ is stunningly beautiful, so I’d save up and all go, and have the holiday of a lifetime. You’d probably never go otherwise.

40+ years ago my sister married a Kiwi in Auckland (where they both lived). I was the only person who travelled from the UK for the wedding and they solved the "imbalance" (not a problem) by having a very small outdoor ceremony in the park, with just three people as witnesses ... his sister, me, and a close Kiwi friend from their London days who had also moved back home. Then they threw a massive barbie for all their friends and the rest of his family in their garden. Everyone except the bride wore shorts. And they forgot to cut the cake. 😂

Nobody was stupid enough to be offended and they are still married.

Especially if your dc are already teens op. The time comes round all too soon when they will want to go without you!

And in 18 months that time will be closer still ...

It’s not just the money though. It’s the annual leave as well. If you think you can attend the wedding as part of a bigger, affordable family adventure then go for it. But if it’s a case of carefully budgeting and sacrifices for the next 18 months just to keep them happy, then forget it. Ask yourself- would they do they same for you? Is it because they genuinely hope to enjoy your company on their special day, or because it’s only about them?