AIBU to think a New Zealand wedding is too much to expect?

[Hadenoughbringmechocolate]

I am looking for thoughts as am genuinely torn on this issue.

My husbands sibling has informed us they are getting married in 18 months time. We are delighted for them- their partner is lovely. The dilema is that they are planning the wedding in New Zealand. The entirety of my husbands family live in the UK, my soon to be SILs family are in NZ. The reason for having the wedding there is that the NZ family members would not be able to afford to travel here (or anywhere halfway).

AIBU to think it is a huge presumption that the UK contingent can all afford to go? Everyone who has been invited is ok money-wise as far as I know, but this will mean intense saving and no other holidays etc to allow us to attend. It will also mean using the vast majority of holiday days that we have for the year.

On the one hand I think we just get on with it, we are so happy for the couple. On the other - we are a family of four and will likely be paying more than the cost of the wedding to travel there / hotels etc and it is a bit much to expect?

My view has always been its an invite not a summons, and if you plan these sorts of trips you have to expect people may not be able to go. However it has quickly become obvious that there is a high level of expectation (and emotional guilt tripping) for those who have tentatively said it may be too much for them to do.

I would presume the couple themselves know more than anyone else

If you dont want to go dont

And the guilt trrpping line is something people put on themselves just say no

Wedding in a country somewhere halfway. Bride wants all her family there and doesn’t want them paying £££££ for accommodation and flights. Groom’s family should decline and wait for a party later on in the UK.

But it’s not only about the money. The journey is gruelling. The jet lag (esp on return) is a killer. And doing the journey with kids! I’d find it unbearable.

Two events is usually the way to go, DH and I did that, roughly 3 months apart.

This is a tricky one.

NZ is a wonderful place to visit with teens - we went ourselves when DS was 13. However we went at Easter time and it was plenty hot enough then so might be boiling in their summer. I don’t know whereabouts the wedding will be held as well, I found North Island much less interesting than South Island and if you were going, you’d want to travel around a bit. I certainly wouldn’t be providing free labour to get their wedding location ready. I have nothing against homespun weddings and indeed it’s much better than spending a fortune on one day, but you can’t expect jet-lagged people who have spent a fortune to get there to also be your free labour.

I would also be rather annoyed at their presumption of telling you how to save up for it and effectively downplaying the huge cost and effort that the trip actually is.

I think taking all things into consideration, I would be inclined not to go. It would be different if they lived there and you never see them. I would get your DH to explain the actual cost to his DB and the implications of that i.e. no other family holidays for 3 years.

If the stars aligned and it happened to be during say, the six week holidays between my dd finishing primary and starting secondary so we could do a holiday before big school that would be possible, but just as a general holiday no, and even if the former happened it would be a big decision

Well she lives away from her family every day forever

he gets to see his family all the time

so I see why they would want to go back there for the wedding

but if it were me getting married far away I’d likely just have something small - or 2 weddings instead tbh !

I wouldn’t be expecting heaps of people to fly over

I emmigrated to NZ and I would never expect my family to travel here for a wedding. I would ask... but it is far away, hugely expensive and not everyones cup of tea for a holiday.

I would suggest they… invite the groom’s family to NZ and then not guilt trip them if they don’t/can’t go.

Which they haven’t done.

Exactly. The wedding location isn't the problem, it's the behaviour around it.

Clearly yes, between some and all of the guests will have to travel and that's unavoidable. With that in mind, what the couple should be doing is saying how they'd love to see everyone but also fully understand it's a lot to ask and there's no expectation. Even if they can't bring themselves to do the last part, not telling people it's only X amount a month is a pretty basic expectation, because hypothetically spending other people's money for them is bad.

Not ideal for people in their position to request free family labour from people who'll have to give up basically any other holiday or annual leave plans for some time in order to be there either. I say this as someone who's done free stuff for family events and doesn't have a problem with the principle. But it's not something you can expect from people who aren't fairly local.

It might be a NZ thing as the wedding we went to in NZ was very much family setting up the wedding venue before hand , it was a really lovely wedding in a barn

Local friends and family doing it is fine. But if you're expecting people to spend the better part of 20k and forego so many other things they could do with the money and annual leave, they're already more than doing their bit. And being practical, doing a trip like that means B and G should want their guests to prioritise making the most of the trip if they've got the energy, or rest if they haven't.

we had no problem with it,

Nothing wrong with people in that situation volunteering, of course.

OMG they are SERIOUSLY ENTITLED!!!! So after flying for 24+ hours and spending £££ to get there they also expect you to help with their wedding venue instead of paying someone to do it for them??!!! This alone would have me saying hell no!! They are taking the PISS!!!

TBF that sounds like a cost-saving measure - and that may be the case with this wedding too, which adds weight to the fact the bride feels her family can't afford to travel.

I have been to some very elegant weddings in New Zealand that definitely were not self set-up so it definitely isn't a given. That said, barn weddings are very lovely. My mother's favourite wedding ever was in a barn. A whole village affair with meadow flowers and a spit roast.

I wouldn’t go to New Zealand. Not practical with a school aged child. Unless it was August. But i guess not. As that’s their winter

Absolutely this. No-one can guilt-trip anyone into going to a NZ wedding.
How old are your children and would it be all four of you or none?? If not, just 2 of you go (or potentially just your DH?).
If you can possibly afford it, plan to have a holiday around the wedding. NZ is a wonderful country and you would have a fantastic unforgettable holiday

We had a family member marry there. Didn't go. Some of the family did, but those who only had to pay for themselves or who had the time to go and spend a few weeks there to also see the country. To take kids out of school and pay for all of you only to then be there for the wedding, not to go and really see the country...up to you, but we declined. As you say, the costs and annual leave, etc. are precious and need to be weighed up against what else you could do with both.

Agreed.

X

We had a different but equally globally dispersed family wedding a few years ago. The civil ceremony was in London, under COVID rules and necessary because the B&G were moving to KSA for work. The wedding ceremony took place two years later in France, and the bride and groom came from KSA, bride's mum from Dubai, bride's dad came from Australia, groom's family came from Mexico, UK and the Netherlands, and the guests came from all over the world. It wasn't a huge wedding though. About 60 people, all of whom paid their way because they wanted to be there. B&G currently live in Australia, because that's where the bigger job is based.

It is a big/expensive ask to travel to the other side of the world just for a wedding.
BUT, this is an opportunity for you & your family to visit NZ, something you otherwise would never have considered, so I'd say: have a think about it.
About 20yrs ago, immediately post-retirement, I was invited to an ex-colleague's wedding in NZ. I had no clue how to get there, what it would cost, etc.
In the end I went with my (now deceased) DH. The wedding was absolutely beautiful. Low-key, inclusive, utterly delightful. Outdoors on a cliff overlooking the ocean and followed by a reception in an erstwhile sheep-shearing hut!. It was a blast.
And/But: as part of the trip we had arranged a campervan hire and had plotted a trip around South Island (where we started) and North Island. It was absolutely wonderful. One of the best things I've done in my life.

The only thing we got wrong was to go for 4-weeks.
We should have gone for 6- or 8-weeks.
So, dear OP, I would encourage you to look at your choice (Go / Not Go) from a different perspective. Let the wedding be the impetus. But don't lose the opportunity of taking the trip of a lifetime and visiting a very beautiful and very interesting country.

@MaddestGranny Can working people go for 4-6 weeks? Also what about school? This is a family of 4. I’m retired and I have time but others don’t have that luxury plus look at the cost for 4! Great if you have a pension lump sum but the op has to save. It’s completely different.

It seems like it’s potentially manageable, enjoyable and memorable for you and your family and you have some time to plan.

2 weddings is a bit silly IMO and can understand them not wanting to do that (regardless of the financial side of things).

If you genuinely can’t get leave, can’t afford to go, or can’t travel due to health issues (for example) they will be likely very disappointed, but ultimately should understand it’s a significant expectation to travel to the other side of the world for a wedding.

Go if you want to and can make it work. It’s a trip of a lifetime that you probably won’t make otherwise.

My DH went to his best man’s wedding in Sydney. He and a couple of other blokes did a ten day tour after the wedding and had a good time. We could not have afforded for three of us to go, and I was fine staying home with DS as I’d just been on fieldwork in Europe for almost a week while he stayed home.

I don’t think he should miss his DB’s wedding.