AIBU to think a New Zealand wedding is too much to expect?

[Hadenoughbringmechocolate]

I am looking for thoughts as am genuinely torn on this issue.

My husbands sibling has informed us they are getting married in 18 months time. We are delighted for them- their partner is lovely. The dilema is that they are planning the wedding in New Zealand. The entirety of my husbands family live in the UK, my soon to be SILs family are in NZ. The reason for having the wedding there is that the NZ family members would not be able to afford to travel here (or anywhere halfway).

AIBU to think it is a huge presumption that the UK contingent can all afford to go? Everyone who has been invited is ok money-wise as far as I know, but this will mean intense saving and no other holidays etc to allow us to attend. It will also mean using the vast majority of holiday days that we have for the year.

On the one hand I think we just get on with it, we are so happy for the couple. On the other - we are a family of four and will likely be paying more than the cost of the wedding to travel there / hotels etc and it is a bit much to expect?

My view has always been its an invite not a summons, and if you plan these sorts of trips you have to expect people may not be able to go. However it has quickly become obvious that there is a high level of expectation (and emotional guilt tripping) for those who have tentatively said it may be too much for them to do.

No one is making anyone do anything. If you don’t want to or can’t go, then say so.

I think OPs problem is that they sound like it's at least possible they might. At minimum, they don't appear to have a good understanding of what it is they're actually asking. It's crossing the line to tell people it's only x amount per month to save.

I think you know full well I am referring to the depletion of the ozone layer

OP's children are teens so their parents can decide based on other peoples views/experience of NZ

For a siblings wedding I'd be more than willing to use up all my annual leave and go without another expensive holiday for a couple of years (I'd use the trip as a family holiday too though).

I wouldn't do it if it meant worrying about food or bills though.

And there's your in. Tell them you'd be happy to chip in for a 2nd ceremony at home, as their wedding gift, and suggest others do too. Say it will be significantly less expensive to help fund a 2nd ceremony than attend the wedding abroad. They can't argue with that.

Yes of course I know. Plenty of people live there perfectly safely. I am really not sure what you are actually saying. That it is unsafe to visit?

Go to the wedding and make it the holiday of a life time. See the positive- what a fabulous opportunity and your family will love it

My brother lives in NZ.

the jet lag is fucking brutal.

my mum now 79 no longer travels out there because even with passenger assistance and stopping in Singapore for three days to reduce jet lag it’s still a hell of a journey.

via America is currently cheaper than most other routes because American immigration are currently being difficult to foreigners.

Dubai/ME has obvious issues with Iran war being on and off.

Singapore is best but most expensive.

in all honesty, it’s a lot of money for a wedding unless you want to go to NZ anyway.

as others have said it’s their summer holidays (start about Christmas and go on to mid Feb) so it’s peak flight prices and can be tricky to get seats.

That is an absolutely insane amount of money unless you are very wealthy. There's no way we could save that in 18 months and it would wipe out almost all our savings. I think you need to be very upfront with them about the cost and see what their reaction is. Surely they haven't thought it through and don't realise what they're asking of you? If they do realise and still expect it, that's crackers and you shouldn't feel an ounce of guilt.

In terms of making it work - there’s of lots of time to look at airmiles of flight options that allow you to do it the other way - via LA which is frequently cheaper. Or via Thailand or similar and enjoy cheap accommodation and seeing part of the world you wouldn’t be doing anyway.

The other thing depending on where you are based is a home swap. So someone comes to UK for Christmas and you get to use someone’s car / home that cuts the cost considerably.

No need to respond if outing but is location near a city / airport?

I was going to mention missing school. I will say that private schools will also not be pleased about large chunks of school being missed.

If the wedding is in 18 months then it will be around the time the schools go back in January. Friends who live in NZ say that their school is fairly laid back about children missing a couple of weeks because the family have gone back to Europe to visit the old country - and were quite surprised to hear that this wasn’t considered okay here.

If it was just the cost I would be well up for the NZ wedding - it sounds a great experience. But I don’t ever let my children miss school.

No way would I be doing this. It would use up so much precious annual leave to travel somewhere you’re not desperate to go to, even before you get started on the expense and having to hang around with a load of people you don’t know for a big chunk of it. Do the sums and just say, ‘We’ve run the numbers and flights, accommodation, and meals, etc. is going to come in at over £20k for the four of us. We just can’t justify the cost. We’d love to celebrate with you before you go/when you get back, but we’re just not in a position to be able to go to New Zealand’. You’ll find lots of people dropping out once they look at the cost and the fact they’ll have to use up their holiday leave going to a wedding thousands of miles away.

Life is short and family and health are among the most important things we have.
I think it would be great to go if you can stretch to afford it. Will leave the kids with great memories, cement how important family is, and New Zealand is stunning! It's a once in a lifetime, family event that will add to your core family album of memories.

However if they're being rudely entitled, and it's too burdensome financially, or will leave you struggling, (or its too hot!) then don't be guilted into it by any means.

But overall I think you ought to strive to find a way to attend.

I do think it's a cheek to say that one side won't be able to afford to travel therefore others must or miss out!

Have they thought about paying for her rellies to fly over??

If your kids are teens and you can go for long enough to actually "do" NZ as a holiday that would change my view a bit as I think it's probably a great holiday with teenagers and a big holiday goal for me! But if saving for it at this point will make your life rubbish in other ways, then I guess it would just come down to what suits you as a family at this point.

@Hadenoughbringmechocolate timing of the wedding matters too. If in their summer at Christmas time flights alone will be expensive. A friend (and her family of 4) went to NZ at Christmas last year and the flights alone were £10k. Ouch!

I have been to a wedding in NZ but it happened whilst we were travelling the world and were in that neck of the woods anyway, so no extra costs. It was a fabulous wedding. I wouldn’t never make a special visit over there though that set me back 10k - 20k.

Infact the couples wedding that we attended ended in divorce. I’d have been fuming if I’d spent a fortune - what a waste of all the guests money!

OP if you need an example of someone who decided not to do such a trip... I am UK based and did not attend my sibling's wedding in Australia. They have lived in Aus for over 10 years now and I've never visited actually because it's SO prohibitively expensive for me to take my family of 4 there. My sibling was very understanding about it.

why should they? At some point, they have to make a decision to have a UK/ NZ wedding or where's mid-way? Singapore or LA? Where you might not be legally allowed to get married when you are not a resident (I don't know) , it's not the home country of either of them, and everybody would have to fly.

Someone will have to miss out either way.

Traditionally weddings are held at the bride's place, it's not a rule, but it's not outrageous.

Yes @youvemadeyourpoint same for the wedding I mentioned up the thread, they also got divorced! Partly due to the realisation that when they wanted children, one of them had to fully commit to living on the other side of the world to their family, permanently and probably without regular visits as no-one had enough money for that.

I would imagine some of these thoughts will be contributing to OP BIL worrying about his family coming to his wedding...

It’s a long gruelling journey, so you need to factor in time to recover from jet lag on outgoing and incoming.
Beautiful country, but wouldn’t want to travel all that way with all the expense for a flying visit.

Op put that the reason for having the wedding there is that her relatives can't afford to travel so why shouldn't they think about paying?

It's not unusual for a bride to be married in her home country.

It's also not unusual to marry where you have chosen to live.

They wouldn't be able to afford to do this.

why SHOULD they pay? They have valid reasons for holding it in NZ, again they have to hold it somewhere anyway.

No one is saying anyone must attend the wedding, it's MN and people hate wedding on here. Back in real life, most people make a big effort to attend weddings at the other side of the world, and make a holiday out of it if they can afford it. If they really cannot, they can't, so what.

Only on MN would someone feel they wasted their cash if a couple divorce years later 😂😂.

This is exactly why we would want to make a holiday of it- it isn't somewhere we would be able to afford again soon for a trip.

Thank you. I would hope for this outcome if we land on not going, but I'm not sure we can guarantee