AIBU to think a New Zealand wedding is too much to expect?

[Hadenoughbringmechocolate]

I am looking for thoughts as am genuinely torn on this issue.

My husbands sibling has informed us they are getting married in 18 months time. We are delighted for them- their partner is lovely. The dilema is that they are planning the wedding in New Zealand. The entirety of my husbands family live in the UK, my soon to be SILs family are in NZ. The reason for having the wedding there is that the NZ family members would not be able to afford to travel here (or anywhere halfway).

AIBU to think it is a huge presumption that the UK contingent can all afford to go? Everyone who has been invited is ok money-wise as far as I know, but this will mean intense saving and no other holidays etc to allow us to attend. It will also mean using the vast majority of holiday days that we have for the year.

On the one hand I think we just get on with it, we are so happy for the couple. On the other - we are a family of four and will likely be paying more than the cost of the wedding to travel there / hotels etc and it is a bit much to expect?

My view has always been its an invite not a summons, and if you plan these sorts of trips you have to expect people may not be able to go. However it has quickly become obvious that there is a high level of expectation (and emotional guilt tripping) for those who have tentatively said it may be too much for them to do.

Money aside, why can't working people go for 4-6 weeks? What do you think people in NZ do? They certainly don't go to Europe for a week or two, and people have been heading overseas on holiday for all of my working life. I know of a couple of (wealthy) families who seem to head overseas every year or two for a holiday, kids in tow. However, schools here don't have this ridiculous system of fining people for taking their kids out of school for a week or two.

I’ve only read this far - please forgive me if this has already been suggested.
I don’t know how old your children are, but could they possibly remain behind with your parents or someone else close to you?
It would substantially reduce your costs and your anxiety - unless your kids are of the age where they would love to go and would be hurt to be left behind.
Just a thought.

We had this with one of my DH siblings. We had 3 young dc. We could only have afforded it by not having a holiday for about four years. The wedding was in the outback in Australia so could not even combine it with sightseeing.
pIL tried to pressure us to go but I was also concerned about 3 dc on the flight. PIL promised to help but I knew they wouldn’t as othe gc they preferred were going.
When we said no it was not affordable or practical they suggested my DH go alone. For three weeks. He said no way he’d rather spend his leave with his own family.
To be honest the fact BIL was a complete twat who never showed any interest in our dc probably helped my DH to stand up to the pIL and say no.
Best decision we made and we did not regret it.

2 ceremonies
Friends of mine did this uk/Hong Kong
A few chose to go to both

We wouldn't be able to afford it. NZ is really really expensive. Way more than we spend on holidays in a year.
it would be congratulations and a no thank you.

Have you said straight up you’re very considerate of your New Zealand relatives and showing respect for their financial situation not being able to get over here, why don’t you have any of that consideration for any of the uk relatives? Do you have any idea what it will cost us to go to your wedding if we can?

Just state it will cost X much & you can't afford it. Rinse & repeat and don't absorb the guilt. (Although It is an amazing country if you can swing minimal time for the wedding & take a holiday.)

My friend got married in her home country of Canada (from Aus). We opted to not go because of cost & they were a bit miffed. In the end only the immediate family went so they had a reception when they got home. Offset the cost by saying pay for your own meal instead of gifts (reasonable cost) . It was the right call as everyone could celebrate.

Our family live in New Zealand and we have had to miss several family weddings when we couldn’t afford to go. It’s just life sometimes. People make too big a deal about weddings and it’s not like the bride and groom will be able spend much quality time with their guests on the day anyway.

One of my husbands brothers who was marrying a German women decided to elope without telling anyone to avoid the dilemma of one side of the family feeling obliged to spend a lot of money to travel. Worked for them but I guess it’s not for everyone.

Depending on which airport Air NZ has just announced direct flights to Singapore from Christchurch. That could also be a mechanism for seeing a bit more of the country, there is a Singapore Airlines hook in to London, but you could also fly ex Paris, Amsterdam or even Dublin might be cheaper. At that time of year house sitting could be an excellent way to minimise costs; lots of Kiwis travel then too. The other option is to go via Australia, LHR-PER and PER-AKL, for example.

You don't have to do it, but if you decide, ask on here. I travel back and forth between Aus/NZ and Europe a couple of times a year most years (and don't find it as brutal as many on here make out; it's a shit day, but it's ONE DAY. You can survive anything for one day. If you arrive in the morning, you stay up until evening, and that normally takes care of the jet lag).

How much did they suggest you all save a month?

Go if you can.
Decline the invitation if you can't afford the time and money.
New Zealand is a very beatiful destination.

For the sake of all guests who will not be able to go, suggest live streaming the ceremony.

Also host a celebration at an affordable location like a country hall or pub and request that the bride and groom dress in their wedding garb with flowers etc. Similar food to a wake. Some music, a speech and toast. This they might agree to when they see the numbers who can not attend.

£15 - £20k it’s costing by in total you say in a later reply. OK you have a long time to save for it but that’s a huge amount of money and in this gloomy economy I would be nervous about using that amount for a wedding unless I had a big buffer of other savings, which you don’t seem to.

As you haven’t been there before, I think if I were you I would go for it on balance and book refundable flights and cheap accommodation, as well as saving hard for a £5k buffer.

We wouldn’t go. I remember being in a similar position many years ago. The couple got divorced six months later!

Big fat NO. Irritates me how people think anyone wants to spend their money, annual leave and precious family time on their wedding!
just say no from now, and don’t entertain any talking around.

Also once you have your quotes for flights accomodation etc send a message to The Flight Centre with your itenary. Any time we have flown long haul, they have been able to undercut other quotes by by around £500-1000 for 2 people

If it were a friend, I’d go if I wanted. For my sibling or my husband’s sibling, I’d do absolutely everything I could to be there. It’s a once in a lifetime thing and it’s not as if they’ve just picked a destination wedding. Half the potential guests and family are in each country, so either way half the guests will need to either travel or not attend, but I imagine most people would make significant effort to attend the wedding of an immediate family member.

I do think it would be okay for just the sibling to attend. Obviously not ideal but would be much cheaper than a family of 4 and surely better than missing it entirely.

If DH paid for just his flight, could he go to accompany your MIL @Hadenoughbringmechocolate and stay in her accommodation?

I think if you can afford it then turn it into a holiday of a lifetime. NZ truly is a stunningly beautiful country. A friend emigrated there and regularly shares her amazing photos on facebook.

If you were my DC, £15-20k would be more than the cost of their own entire wedding earlier this year!

I’ve been invited to three destination weddings. Was pissed off about all of them, the cost, the lack of choice of holiday etc

I’ve ended up so glad I got to go to all of them, new experiences, great memories etc. It’s normal to get married where the bride lives or where the couple intends to live. As you say, it isn’t a summons.

If you are worried that you won't enjoy New Zealand, my relatives with teenagers visited NZ for two weeks and loved it so much that they visited again two years later for three weeks.

It was particularly well set up for bushwalking, camping huts and with Youth Hostels. They liked Lord of the Rings etc. horse riding, white water rapids and swimming.
Investigate cost of staying in Youth Hostels.
Only attend wedding if you can have dream holiday in N Z or S E Asia, Samoa, Fiji etc.

They’re being unreasonable expecting people to go and guilt tripping them. It’s not just the money, you’d have to use up a chunk of holiday allowance on somewhere you might not be interested in visiting, to make it worth the trip.

People can plan their weddings where they like, but they have to be prepared for people not to want to travel (for any reason). Even my own dd who is getting married in this country but 200 miles away from home said she is fine with people not accepting the invitation due to the travel/expense of staying away.

I don't mean this to sound rude, but I have lived in 4 other countries and have travelled a lot around the world, and NZ is not somewhere I would go back to again.

When we went there I was in my early 30's and fighting fit with no DC, and living in SE Asia and it was still a brutal 13 hour flight from where I lived. Getting there from the UK would be a living nightmare with DC.

It is a tough one as it is a sibling and they are blinkered by their own wants over their wedding. We have been invited to a few overseas weddings. One was a sibling that was a total costly ball ache, and the other was a friend who chose an amazing place and we had the best time ever.

As a compromise I think you should say your DH should go, if you would be OK with that, but you cannot afford to all go. It is too much money and time out as a family to spend on a wedding.

My husband and I are immigrants and have missed pretty much every event back ‘home’. I don’t think anyone has been angry or surprised exactly, but it does mean a huge distance has developed - more so than just the physical distance. It’s our fault as we chose to leave and chose not to prioritise the weddings, funerals, etc each time but it does affect relationships. So while I don’t think they should be guilt tripping you or pushing you or making you feel badly at all, just wanted to say that while it’s totally fine to skip anything for any reason, people remember who shows up for them.

I would start thinking creatively about it - home swaps, airbnb or similar… keeping an eye on flights to see if breaking it up in different ways helps at all. See what you can do and then decide properly. Be really open and honest with your family and don’t make decisions out of guilt.

I personally wouldn’t go and offer to host a party here for them when they get back - or an engagement party maybe if that’s more their thing. Even if you paid for the whole party it would be cheaper!