AIBU to see his reaction to being called boy as a red flag?

[Poppies2222x]

I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and something happened this morning that has made me question whether he’s got an ego problem that could be a cause for concern.

Me and three friends (all in our late 20s) booked a woodland lodge for three nights Thursday to Sunday for a weekend away and my boyfriend has come with us.

This morning after breakfast we were relaxing around the hot tub and my friend told BF “come on, get the drinks poured, boy” not in a rude tone but in a funny ‘let’s get this party started’ kind of way. She’s very bubbly and didn’t mean anything by it. He poured the drinks with a moody look on his face and a few minutes later however he said he really took offence and said he wasn’t a boy, he was a man, and that he found it disrespectful. The mood changed quite quickly and afterwards he was still annoyed about it.

I asked him why it bothered him so much and he said that being called a boy was belittling. I found this extremely cringy and fragile on his part and I’m wondering why he would view this as belittling? To me it seems he views boys as below him and I don’t want a partner with a fragile ego who thinks men are superior to everyone else including boys.

I was just discussing this with my friends whilst he was on a walk and they all found it off putting and embarrassing on his part.

AIBU for seeing this as a bit of a red flag, or is it reasonable for him to want to be referred to as a man rather than a boy?

Your friend seems like a bit of a dickhead then.

You have shitty friends.

Well inviting him along backfired as doesn’t look like he will think much of your friends and they clearly don’t think much of him

How old is she? She sounds like she's in primary school.

So your friend is , in fact, a dick.

I stand corrected about the use of the word boy in servant contexts in the UK. But I would argue that as no one seems to know that was the norm it hasn't filtered into cultural inappropriateness in the same way that for example calling a male POC boy, has.

Op we have all taken very seriously your potential thin skinned abuser while you have been having a mediocre time in a woodland lodge

I would find his reaction a bit much but then I don't get offended terribly easily. Without doubt I have seen this type of behaviour much more with woman who take offence at all sorts, being called 'love' or 'girl' or having a door opened for them. It's not a trait I like in either sex but at the same time I admire him for addressing it. I think if roles were reversed and a BFs pal said 'come on woman, where's my drink' I think most women would find it rude and offensive so I'm guessing that's how it made him feel. Also depends where you live, where I am it normal to use 'boy' for boys or men of any age.

You're right it has not.

If I called a black man boy, I'd be completely aware that I'd f*ed up, even if I meant no harm.
I'd want the earth to swallow me whole.
This has never happened, BTW. Before somebody accuses me of racism!

No way would I feel that way if I said it to a white man.

All this calling a British white man 'boy' being offensive on the grounds of servitude is performative virtue-signalling.

What is more, I'd bet that the boyfriend didn't associate the word 'boy' with oppressive servitude of white men, either.

The way you’ve been commenting on the thread it seems you know the inner working of all the central characters minds based on very little information

All this calling a British white man 'boy' being offensive on the grounds of servitude is performative virtue-signalling.

How about it just being bloody rude ? It doesn’t need to be racist to be offensive.

Absolutely this.

Your friends sound horrible

"Boy, do this or that" sounds demanding and rude to my ears.

I wouldn't even use it that way when talking to an actual boy. I work at a school. If I said "boy, go get your bag" it would be rude. However, in the plural it's fine. If I said "boys, go get your bags" that doesn't sound rude to me.

I'm surprised so many posters don't see 'boy' as an issue at all. Clearly it's not as universal as I thought. Interesting thread.

ETA: sorry, didn't mean to quote someone

OK. Maybe it's just rude. He called her out on it so he should have just put it aside.

I'm beginning to think that because of their age, that he's met them before, that he unusually went on what is a 'girls trip' etc that everybody's been barking up the wrong tree and this could just be just a case of sexual tension and back and forth jousting between two youngish people.

Perhaps OP should consider that, too.

He doesn't need to know it has anything to do with oppressive servitude to find it bloody rude though does he?

Yes lets tell this man how to feel due to the colour of his skin.

Nothing racist in that at all.

I am not even on OPs side here, but we aren't the US just because you consume US content.

Boy has bever been associated with that here.

That’s quite a stretch.

Sounds like you need to choose your friends more wisely. Sexist, rude and sarcastic springs to mind.

If my DS came home and said one of his girlfriends pals had said ordered him to get the drink and called him boy - my first response would have been ‘I hope you told the cheeky cow to fuck right off’.

Seriously, why is her behaviour ok with you. If a man behaved like her, everyone would be slagging him off.

It's not really.
I've seen this sort of thing before and I'm sure you have to.
She's teasing him perhaps, he's remains moody even after he told her not to call him boy.

It's not improbable.

Pretty sure all throughout Oliver Twist he was called ‘boy’ in a demeaning manor.

“In Victorian England, authority figures used the term "boy" to assert dominance over poor children, strip away their individuality, or treat them as property.”

Anyways, this thread is interesting. You can’t tell someone how to feel. You feel what you feel. If someone says they didn’t like something, and someone continued to do this, that then changes the intent.

With OPs latest update it’s quite clear who’s in the wrong here. OP if you want anything out of this relationship then I suggest you tell your friend she was out of order and back up your boyfriend.

So you missed that the friend did this again after him asking her not to ? Why is he not allowed his boundaries ?

Your friends sound awful OP.