AIBU to see his reaction to being called boy as a red flag?

[Poppies2222x]

I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and something happened this morning that has made me question whether he’s got an ego problem that could be a cause for concern.

Me and three friends (all in our late 20s) booked a woodland lodge for three nights Thursday to Sunday for a weekend away and my boyfriend has come with us.

This morning after breakfast we were relaxing around the hot tub and my friend told BF “come on, get the drinks poured, boy” not in a rude tone but in a funny ‘let’s get this party started’ kind of way. She’s very bubbly and didn’t mean anything by it. He poured the drinks with a moody look on his face and a few minutes later however he said he really took offence and said he wasn’t a boy, he was a man, and that he found it disrespectful. The mood changed quite quickly and afterwards he was still annoyed about it.

I asked him why it bothered him so much and he said that being called a boy was belittling. I found this extremely cringy and fragile on his part and I’m wondering why he would view this as belittling? To me it seems he views boys as below him and I don’t want a partner with a fragile ego who thinks men are superior to everyone else including boys.

I was just discussing this with my friends whilst he was on a walk and they all found it off putting and embarrassing on his part.

AIBU for seeing this as a bit of a red flag, or is it reasonable for him to want to be referred to as a man rather than a boy?

Why is he on the trip if you’ve only been dating a few months? Are your other friend’s partners there?

But he's right and if the roles were reversed you'd clearly see it as demeaning.

And good on him for being confident enough to say when he doesn't like how he's being addressed.

He doesn't like it and finds it befitting - I know women who don't like being called 'girls' for the same reason. We all have preferences in life. You've then talked about it behind his back with everyone and are agreeing with your mates that he is in the wrong and not asserting himself? He didn't have to be moody about it, he could have handled it better, but he is allowed a preference. The fact that none of you agree with it means that it sounds like he's not a good match for you or for your friend group. Also are you serious with this question: AIBU for seeing this as a bit of a red flag, or is it reasonable for him to want to be referred to as a man rather than a boy? Well he is a man isn't he? Last time he looked.

He'd also better steer clear of Wales as we call everyone Boyo around here.

Good god getting moody about being called boy? Fuck me, he's acting like a little boy so your mate wasn't far wrong really was she😂

It's well known in the manosphere that being referred to as 'boy,' in some instances, is belittling. How one reacts to that may vary.

Your friend sounds very rude. Who made her the dictator of the hot tub?

Gosh, OP. You are living your best life in a hot tub in a woodland lodge with friends and he is bringing the mood down throwing a hissy fit. This wouldn't work for me. If this offends him, I feel the rest of your life could be hard work. If someone said to me 'get the drinks poured girl' I would do just that with a grin. Your friends sound awesome, the boyfriend not so much...

Apart from it being pretty insulting to any fully grown man to have somebody ordering them around as though they're some sort of servant, if he is of an ethnicity that has historically been subjected to enslavement, she went straight to a textbook racist phrase.

If the latter is the case, he's probably seeing red flags that you have friends like this and see absolutely nothing wrong with how she addressed him.

It was rude and dismissive of your friend to call him ‘boy’ in that context, ie telling him to do something. I would have been irked by someone calling me ‘girl’ in the same way. I would have said not to call me that at the time, rather than sulking. The sulking is what’s problematic, in my view, so I’d keep a look out for that instead.

Your friend sounds rude, I think she has some red flags tbh.

Why is he on a girls trip?

See what I did there…..😁

I don’t think ‘boy’ is such a big deal but I can understand why he didn’t like being ordered to pour the drinks by a group of girls, or anyone really, busy relaxing. It’s rude, your friend may not have meant it that way, but I wouldn’t risk being faux-imperious like that to someone I didn’t know well, and even with someone I did know well, I personally still wouldn’t. People don’t find it funny to be talked to as if they’re a servant.

ETA: although if he’s black then yes ‘boy’ is a big deal, as the poster above mentions, it has racist connotations.

There are massive long threads about this when the word girl is used and the majority (not me though) dont like girl and would shut someone down for using this about them

The majority view is that its right to set those boundaries and make that clear

Not one post about that views the woman that might put those boundaries into place as 'fragile' or moody or having an ego problem

Second issue of course is what the hell is he doing there with you when you're having a girls weekend away, why did you bring him along. He probably felt outnumbered and then put down. Not surprised.

How have we got here?

Calling someone 'boy' is the way you would address a dog. It is really belittling. It also harks back to slavery when 'boy' was the standard term for a male slave. Not a good choice of term to address someone.

Have you taken your new boyfriend on a “girls trip”?

@Arlanymor @NeverDropYourMooncup Why is it belittling to be called a boy? I call my self a girl sometimes, it’s normal. It’s as though he views boys as inferior.

Can just imagine - I'm away for the weekend with dbf and his mates.... Told me "go get the drinks, girl!". Aibu to be annoyed?

You can dump him for any reason op but he didn't like how he was spoken to and you're gossiping behind his back and trying to get lots of people to pile on about how awful he is. I don't think it's the right relationship for either of you

Your friend was rude and your partner rightfully called her out on her rudeness. That you are prioritising your friends' shitty behaviour over your partner speaks volumes.

@Poppies2222x It was a term used to address male slaves. It is offensive today. Try addressing a male boss or colleague as 'boy' and see where it gets you.

@GasperyJacquesRoberts It was lighthearted.

It comes across as though your friend was ordering the only man there to pour everyone's drinks and serve everyone, and that does come across as a bit rude when they don't know each other. Has anyone been a bit piss-takey otherwise?

Boy is a standard way to refer to a male throughout English history (and other areas in the UK), see also garcon, it didnt start with slavery so doesnt hark back to then at all, its much older than that but does indicate someone being beneath you

https://journals.law.harvard.edu/lpr/2011/12/21/court-finally-says-boy-comments-are-racist/

HTH