AIBU to see his reaction to being called boy as a red flag?

[Poppies2222x]

I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and something happened this morning that has made me question whether he’s got an ego problem that could be a cause for concern.

Me and three friends (all in our late 20s) booked a woodland lodge for three nights Thursday to Sunday for a weekend away and my boyfriend has come with us.

This morning after breakfast we were relaxing around the hot tub and my friend told BF “come on, get the drinks poured, boy” not in a rude tone but in a funny ‘let’s get this party started’ kind of way. She’s very bubbly and didn’t mean anything by it. He poured the drinks with a moody look on his face and a few minutes later however he said he really took offence and said he wasn’t a boy, he was a man, and that he found it disrespectful. The mood changed quite quickly and afterwards he was still annoyed about it.

I asked him why it bothered him so much and he said that being called a boy was belittling. I found this extremely cringy and fragile on his part and I’m wondering why he would view this as belittling? To me it seems he views boys as below him and I don’t want a partner with a fragile ego who thinks men are superior to everyone else including boys.

I was just discussing this with my friends whilst he was on a walk and they all found it off putting and embarrassing on his part.

AIBU for seeing this as a bit of a red flag, or is it reasonable for him to want to be referred to as a man rather than a boy?

Why was your boyf on a girls’ trip? That’s more weird. Even if he knew one of them, so what? I’m in my 50s and figures ladies only then that’s what it is!

There’s a lot of projecting and imagining going on here tbh. From the information given and the fact the OP obviously has a POV we can’t tell

but why invite him if he should know not to go - game playing? Testing him?

Was it a "girls' trip" or was it a "friends' trip"? Not all social groups stick to rigid gender segregation when they go away together. I've been on holidays with a few other women and one man, and I've also been on holidays where I'm the only woman in our group. (Several more women and men and various partners were invited both times but that's just who was able to go on those dates.) It wasn't a big deal and no one even brought it up as an oddity either time.

OP clearly didn't think it was a "girls' trip", she thought it was a friends trip open to anyone, so it was natural for her boyfriend to follow her cues on that. Her friends may have disagreed but she hasn't actually said that.

No it doesnt help.

This isn't fucking America. Also uppity does not have the same connotations here.

We are not a tiny vassal state to that fascist regime last time i checked so no, we dont need to change our language to suit them.

And no boy is NOT considered rascist here, hence boys night out.

OP he is being ridiculous and has probably been watching manosphere content if something so insignificant rules him.

I don't think that many men would have tagged along to this.
I just don't.
I think it's odd that he did. Very odd.

I'm going to say, and I'm sorry if it offends, most men wouldn't really consider being around 4 women who are letting their hair down as their idea of a good time.
And in all fairness, something similar like an 'all boys together' rugby trip would not be my idea of a good time, either.

There's nothing more I can say on that issue.

It is possible that he got so moody in the run up to the trip, she felt compelled to ask him to placate him.

Do you get excited when you can role out the term racist?

I love the way you've cut through the bullshit with this comment.

He's not Mr Tibbs. He's probably a civil servant from Epping with a Ford Mondeo.

Most men I know are fine being around women having fun because they're not weird misogynists. Not a single man in my social circle would see an issue with being the only man in the group at a festival or gig or sports event.

An "all boys together" rugby tour is absolutely not my idea of a good time either but none of the men I know are rugby lads and going to festivals and food tours with them has been a non-issue as well.

No one said we need to change ‘our’ language, just be aware of the connotations it might have for people who aren’t you. You’re not in a position unilaterally to declare whether or not ‘boy’ within a relevant context is considered racist or not. Agree this isn’t America and of course there are differences, but if you think the use of language here isn’t impacted by our mass consumption of American TV and American culture you’re kidding yourself.

Whine?

You'd cheer a woman who put down a man who used a term to belittle her in front of his mates. You wouldn't tell her to bottle up her perfectly reasonable response and let him get away with it.

Is be very surprised if you called her a whiner when she called him out.

Why would I? The OP said they worked in a salon.

Some people have zero sense of humour, as evidenced by the replies on here!

Christ, really?

It's not misogyny nor is it not wanting to see women having fun , more of feeling a bit out of place.

It's not hard to imagine that this may have had a hen night feel to it that most men wouldn't personally enjoy but be glad his wife was having fun.

Weird that your first call is misogyny, though.

I think he was right, particularly in the context of calling him to bring drinks. There’s a difference between saying to your friends ‘let’s invite the boys to our dinner meeting’ referring to your BFs, and ‘Boy! Pour me a drink’. Imagine it was him with a group of men in the hot tub and one of them said ‘Girl, bring the beer!’, you’d have a solid LTB here.

In France it’s looked down upon to call a waiter garçon these days and the same applies here

it was the order followed by ‘boy’ that was the issue - not the word boy in itself

but anyway, OP isn’t coming back and hopefully they are having fun now on their weekend away and it’s all forgiven and forgotten

YABU. He’s your boyfriend of a few months who she doesn’t know well, and although I’m sure your friend didn’t mean anything by it, she was overly familiar and casual.

I find it interesting how women are “allowed” to not want to be called girls, and black men are “allowed” to not want to be called boys, but if a white man doesn’t want to be called a boy, “that’s different” and somehow suspect. I don’t think this is about his wanting some kind of special regard for being male. It sounds like it’s about his wanting equal regard from fellow adults.

Why did you feel the need to mention her profession?
It's totally irrelevant and in the context of your reply, it was pretty obvious - to me at least - that the word 'hairdresser' was used as an insult.

Why would a man feel out of place among women? Or vice versa? Some of us are able to treat people of the opposite sex as just people.

You're doing a lot of imagining on this thread. Not all groups of women socialising have a "hen party vibe".

She felt the need to. It seems pretty descriptive to say somebody of this role decided the appropriate way to speak to a male guest was as though he was there to provide service and needed to be put in his place.

Don't think I've ever met a poor hairdresser, either - certainly not when they can afford to book a woodland lodge in July.

My hairdresser is male, by the way. So it's not a default assumption.

This particular meeting DID seem have a hen night vibe.
It wasn't a fecking book club meeting.

You weren't there!

I have never hired a woodland lodge but I have been on plenty of minibreaks with friends of both sexes in various cottages and houses up and down this country where we drank and sat in hot tubs, and I can assure you it's a gender-neutral activity.

I doubt many book club meetings start with let's get the party started vibes but there you go.

“Boys’ night out” isn’t considered racist in the US, either. “Boy” is seen as a racist term when it’s used by white people about adult black men, but otherwise, it’s pretty neutral.

Any “Heated Rivalry” fans here? When Scott Hunter (an American hockey player) asks Shane Hollander, “Where’s your boy Rozanov?”, that has no racial connotations because Rozanov is white. If Rozanov were black, Hunter probably wouldn’t have said it because it would be potentially offensive.

Lots of black Anerican men refer to their friends as their “boys,” as in, “Oh, hey, you know Jimmy? Yeah, Jimmy’s my boy – we go way back.”

Oh for goodness sake, it's obvious that given the context of the reply 'haidresser' was an insult.