AIBU to see his reaction to being called boy as a red flag?

[Poppies2222x]

I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and something happened this morning that has made me question whether he’s got an ego problem that could be a cause for concern.

Me and three friends (all in our late 20s) booked a woodland lodge for three nights Thursday to Sunday for a weekend away and my boyfriend has come with us.

This morning after breakfast we were relaxing around the hot tub and my friend told BF “come on, get the drinks poured, boy” not in a rude tone but in a funny ‘let’s get this party started’ kind of way. She’s very bubbly and didn’t mean anything by it. He poured the drinks with a moody look on his face and a few minutes later however he said he really took offence and said he wasn’t a boy, he was a man, and that he found it disrespectful. The mood changed quite quickly and afterwards he was still annoyed about it.

I asked him why it bothered him so much and he said that being called a boy was belittling. I found this extremely cringy and fragile on his part and I’m wondering why he would view this as belittling? To me it seems he views boys as below him and I don’t want a partner with a fragile ego who thinks men are superior to everyone else including boys.

I was just discussing this with my friends whilst he was on a walk and they all found it off putting and embarrassing on his part.

AIBU for seeing this as a bit of a red flag, or is it reasonable for him to want to be referred to as a man rather than a boy?

OP, he is fragile, moody and juvenile.
It's clear it was meant in jest.

I think this is him showing you who he is.

I would be cringing for him having a sulk over something so small that he felt the need to sour the mood.

This will not be the last time you will see this side to him.

You're not considering the context, though: these are all youngish, white British people.
Probably of roughly the same background. I'll hazard a guess that this guy, if not of equal social standing, has a higher social standing than they do as I've observed that woman date across and up the social scale as a general rule.

What if he's a lawyer?
Surely if he is it could be argued that as he's of a higher socioeconomic class she didn't seriously be there to serve them?

It just doesn't seem right to me that a typical British hairdresser (not that there's anything wrong with being a hairdresser would have servants. Unless rich, who does?) would be thinking that this guy is her servant.

All on an equal level in the sense that they're all there eating the same food etc.
There's no social imbalance.

They're in a situation where they're all equals.

Surely you can see that?

I know.
And as I said given that they're hairdressers and unlikely to have servants. Not a dig at hairdressers I'm saying this to highlight that they're unlikely to be of the class of people to have servants.
Not many people are!
I'd say the same if they were teachers or nurses or your average solicitor.

Blooming heck unless wealthy, who does?

@QuintadosMalvados
Posters who try to justify discriminatory behaviour and claim that this is 'Bantz' and light hearted, are almost certainly likely to be accepting of other forms
From AI which gives references to the research this is based on.
People who hold sexist and homophobic views are significantly more likely to be racist. Psychological research shows these forms of prejudice rarely happen in isolation. Instead, they stem from a fixed mindset.
You cannot excuse one type of discrimination is ok. Discriminatory attitudes will be there across the board.

That's not addressing anything I said in my post at all.
That they're likely to be of the same social standing, that he may even be of a higher social standing.
Therefore, in this context, any thoughts that they view him as their servant is ludicrous.

You just sound like a robot parroting views trying to shut people down with this post. It is not going to work with me.

And sorry I don't take AI seriously.
Nor posters who refer to it.

Him calling it out is one thing, continuing to sulk and be moody is another

Were your friends completely happy with your new boyfriend of a few
months joining the weekend? Surely it completely changed the vibe, maybe she was making a point?
I can see why he was annoyed but surely he could have used his big boy/man words and said hey hang on I’m not your boy or similar response to show his annoyance and then moved
on rather than having a sulk fest and changing the mood? I would find that part more annoying than your friend being a bit rude. It doesn’t SOUND as if she was being rude to him if said in a jokey way but he should have dealt with it there and then rather than turning into a thing.

Even if you take the view that he was right to be offended, he could have just said,

Hey, Clare (whatever her name is), I don't like that word, I know you mean no harm but please don't call me a boy again. Now I'll get the drinks. You get the next. You're right let's get the party started.

No he sulks, ruins the atmosphere and broods on it.
He couldn't have been that offended given that he is a white man. It's just doesn't ring true.

He's a pain in the ass at best and certainly not a good communicator.

It's funny but for all the defence here of this guy, there's not been a word of sympathy for the OP and the other woman who were the 'innocent parties' in this.

Would you be saying that if it was a group of men and 1 woman? He would be labelled a sexist pig for ordering a woman around like that.

There are some people who just can't seem to grasp the nuance of context when it comes to the patriarchy.

1. Women have historically been servants for males. To call one female in a group a girl and tell her to get the drinks would of course be unspeakably rude. Because of the history of oppression. The same is simply NOT TRUE of men so the power dynamic just does not apply.

1. The man is white. The women are white. Callling a white man in a white group a boy is not disrespectful OR racist and to claim otherwise is to distort and minimise the history of POC from an enslaved heritage.

Thank you for this.
It articulates how I think.

You can't just flip the genders.

Honestly even I’m irritated by your friend and I don’t know a thing about her.

”Get the drinks poured, boy”.

She sounds like the sort of woman who would say “hubby”.

Unless her friends are Queen Victoria, Emily Brontë and Ada Lovelace, the context is irrelevant.

They are not a group of female housekeepers who’ve had to battle against oppression all their lives. They are a group of 20-something hairdressers in a Centre Parcs in 2026.

Not the same. You could equate it with "Get the drinks, wench". If done lightheartedly, it means nothing much.

My first thought was whether he's the only black person in the group - that could land badly, as mentioned above - but his offence isn't that, it's about not being respected as a man.

Takes himself and his godlike status too seriously. Keep the friends, ditch the male ego.

Absolutely. Do him a favour, he’ll have dodged a bullet.

The context is not irrelevant.

The same applies to why shortening the descriptor 'british' to Brit is completely acceptable but the shortened version of Pakistani is a racist slur. It's to do with the power differentials which are supposedly historical but continue to be problematic, as people continue to be both racist and sexist.

Please don't cite the appropriately-named Unwomen on feminism, which they have decided is not about women's liberation. Singing from the same hymn sheet as Amnesty, they see (female) women as sacrificial martyrs to 'kindness', valuable only as a support service.

I would not be OK with a man I didn't know well telling me to "get the drinks, wench" and I would bet that neither would you.

"Lightheartedly" is irrelevant. It's not a get-out clause for rudeness.

Agree.
It could even be argued that the friend was deferring to him in some way as a provider figure.
You are the male , you start proceedings.

Like the man carving the meat at Sunday dinner.

I could be wrong there but instead of holding his tongue, reserving judgement, and seeing if the friend poured the next round of drinks-in which case he would not be being servant for the night-he had to go for the worst possible option immediately and assume that he was being belittled.

Very manosphere. 'Get the bitches before they get you' vibes.
'Don't let any woman tell you what to do'
and so on.

Don't be silly. I'd be most likely to play along: "Yes, Good Sir".

I mean, if it was snarled at me I'd have a problem! I'd have a problem with anyone snarling at me to get the drinks, no matter what the form of address. This wasn't that, though.

Once more for the hard of hearing at the back, there is a class context to "boy". White male servants and staff have been, and continue to be, addressed as "boy".

The "joke" - if we're being kind enough to call it that - is that she's treating the OP's boyfriend as their servant. Given that she barely knows him, the intention isn't an in-joke that everyone can laugh at - it's designed to make him feel belittled and out of place. That IS the humour. It's a joke at the outsider's expense.

And even if we ignore all the -isms and connotations - in what possible universe is addressing someone you don't know well as "boy" not just outrageously rude?

If you say so, lol.

It’s not “very manosphere” at all.

It’s a bit DARVO to suggest that.

I'm not sure that is true in the UK.
I'd have thought it would be more along the lines of 'my man' as regards a white male servant.
Not exactly respectful either, but not boy.

I don't wish to be disrespectful but they are not in the Deep South of USA.

I’m back home now and I will not do that again. Overall it was a fun weekend but there was a few bits of jokey tension when yesterday afternoon on a walk my friend went “we’re going on this trail, boy, ooo sorry MAN” whilst laughing when he went to walk on the opposite one. Luckily he never said anything and just rolled his eyes. I personally chose to stay out of that one.