To ask how much help you give your adult kids?

[BennettsHome]

And what type of help? My parents have always helped in any way they can- financially, with errands / care for pets, diy etc. I felt so sad for my friend recently who I discussed this with. Her parents do nothing for her, no support in any way even though they can. Is this normal? She said she wishes they were more helpful in her life but they just never have been. Do people stop helping their kids when they're adults?

Your dad is a legend though with his Facebook “mistake” ❤️🤣

DH (now estranged) and I were never, and I am not now, in the financial position to give house deposits, buy cars, etc. But we (and now I) have always done what we could as far as car repairs, paying for insurance, or help with 'shortfalls' in bills and help with medical expenses. Our home was always open to any 'returnees' who needed food and/or shelter.

No grandkids, but we've done 'grand-dog' sitting for a son who travels a lot for work and I continue to do this. My other son knows I'm available for that too, but as he has cats and my dog isn't 'cat friendly' so far I haven't been asked. At this point they're both financially secure but I'd be there with what I could afford. And it'd be a little cramped in my flat, but I'll always take them in, even if it means a blow up mattress on the floor.

But FWIW I wouldn't do full time childcare (if I happen to have a grandchild) unless it was absolutely financially necessary. My own mum did 'ad hoc' and emergency care and had them for occasional weekend sleepovers and usually had them individually for 1 week in the summer when it was still possible (Dad had a progressive neurological condition). I think that's entirely reasonable.

@thesealionso you also didn’t read the OP? 🙄

I think we all know what taking the piss looks like

He is but i can’t tell him that it would go to his head 😭

🤣

Thats great Especially the passing on of skills. Much more useful than some rich bod doling out cash.

All my adult kids have more money than me lol. It's not always rich parents and " struggling" kids despite what MN would have u believe

Be interesting to see what these adult kids are doing for their parents

@BennettsHome It's easy to say "don't understand how parents don't help their adult children" when you come from a wealthy home. If your parents are poor, working a minimum wage job and perhaps caring for other relatives as well how can you expect them to give something (time/money) they don't have?

My Mil is well off and has never worked. She's very generous and helpful and it's very appreciated. My mum is dead and my dad has had a hard life working until he was 70 yet he is poor and lives far away. I would never expect anything from him.

We helped DS with some of his house deposit although he saved an equal amount himself.
Since moving out we've helped with DIY, especially where 2 people are needed, as he lives alone.
We haven't helped him financially since he left home but are generous with birthday and Christmas gifts as he doesn't have much spare income.

I agree that if you help one child you should help the other. London is really expensive though so maybe letting him live there rent free has just happened without it being planned? . They haven’t actually given him the house as in signed it over to him.. who pays for the flat they live in? And what would happen if you needed to move to London?

They live in a 2 bed house they own that and the family home. They deliberately bought the 2 bed house so my husbands brother could have the family house. So was definitely planned. They did have another property too has a second home but they recently sold that.

We did used to live in london but we moved out because we couldn’t afford to buy a house and wanted a house for raising a family.

Parents who don't help their adult children probably never had much interest in them and only covered the basics like food and clothes while they were kids... I can't imagine not helping my sons when they grow up, they will always be my babies.

We bought a house which needed a lot of work and my dad did loads of DIY even though he lives in another country. When I was 18-22 he paid for my driving lessons, test and all uni costs.

My MIL sadly passed away before our children were born but she gave us the deposit for our first house and provided a lot of childcare to SIL's children. It's the right thing to do if you have the capacity

I’m a ‘plastic ‘scouser though no longer live in merseyside and agree with everything you say. It’s been like that in my family for generations it’s just what we’re used to. Mine are regularly round for sunday dinner and we help out with everything we can including childcare. Wouldn’t have it any other way. Ps Kids didn’t grow up in Merseyside but are staunch lfc fans ;)

@takeabreack i love the scaffolding analogy … perfect way to describe it. I’m sorry your parents were so shit … I just can’t understand that at all. Why do these people have kids 😟

I thought the same - lot of people saying what their parents have given them - only a few talking about what they have given their parents. And there's talk of no entitlement from those who got stuff but there's a bitterness and resentment from those who didn't get.

Of course only a few are talking about what they've given their parents - because that isn't the question asked!

I've only answered in the context of how my great grandmother helped my grandmother (in answer to someone claiming parents helping adult children is a brand new phenomenon 🤣) so I've no skin in the game, but why on earth are you thinking that the absence of information which isn't the subject of the thread is a gotcha?

Have a look at the elderly parents board if you want to remind yourself what adult children do for their parents to the point of running themselves into the ground.

More interested in what the people who get loads of financial and practical support do for their parents, do in return. But I seem to have hit a sore point. 😂

As for answer to the question. I did pay for driving lessons for them. Not any other financial " gifts" though although I paid car I durance premiums twice and they paid me back monthly rather than coughing up interest.

I've done emergency ad hoc childcare but not regular, maybe 5 or 6 times a year and only for DD2d kids ( others too far away)

But I've shared all the skills I have with them Taught them how to do diy, refurbish rooms for next to nothing , get best deals on stuff, basic car maintenance etc. so although I'm not cough up £££ I've given them the skills to do stuff themselves to save money so they don't need to come begging

There are times in life when you need help more. If someone has small children, pays loads for childcare, mortgage and student loan, while their parents are still fit and have their mortgage paid off, obviously the children need help more than the parents. They will care for their parents later in life when they're less mobile and the situation will be reversed.

I always try to do something for my dad after he helps me. I took him to a concert when his favourite singer was on tour, got Wimbledon tickets because he's a huge tennis fan, got him a very good coffee grinder.

I can see family might help with pets when you go on holiday. But why do you need your parents to do errands for you? I guess the other question is do you help them in return? Adults helping each other in a reciprocal way is one thing. Adults acting like children still and not taking responsibility for their own choices I.e. pet ownership, is another.

My parents would do absolutely anything for me. I could call them for anything and they wouldn’t even hesitate to drop everything and come and help me. I do the same for them. I will do the same for my children. No strings attached.

I'm 52 and my mum still helps me, not witb large amounts of noney as she didn't have it to give but she'll buy me things she thinks I'll like, stocks up the fridge when I'm due back from trips, looks after my dog, tidies up my garden if I don't have time.

It's not one-sided, I take her to all of her hospital appointments, take her for days and meals out, look after HER dog, stay at hers a few nights a month and cook for her. Wouldn't have it any other way

We received a ( small amount) of Dosh given us from grandparents, via my parents. If I needed money desperately my mum would help but as she now has dementia there's no way round the rules, which is fine as we don't need money desperately. She would help me in any way I asked generally though ( all a bit late given the dementia though)

My parents are millionaires. They always said if I ever needed help with money to ask them Before a bank loan. We had our small child start to walk several years ago and our garden had a green house that was smashed and there was old bricks and other things lying in the garden. I asked if we could borrow £700 to get someone to clear and remove it all so it was safe for my child when she starts walking in the garden. They said no as they were poor pensioners . the next week they bought a caravan and went on five holidays that year, then sent a WhatsApp message with laughing emoji about a new ring my mother had bought - “ such poor pensioners “ I decided from then on to never ask them for help ever again. Was humiliating to feel like they didn’t care enough for their grand daughter’s safety. I understand not spoiling children and getting them to be financially independent but I feel at lease be honest with your reasoning as it really does hurt.