To ask how much help you give your adult kids?

[BennettsHome]

And what type of help? My parents have always helped in any way they can- financially, with errands / care for pets, diy etc. I felt so sad for my friend recently who I discussed this with. Her parents do nothing for her, no support in any way even though they can. Is this normal? She said she wishes they were more helpful in her life but they just never have been. Do people stop helping their kids when they're adults?

And that’s fine, but it’s not something you’ve personally achieved, is it. I bought a flat in London with no financial help whatsoever because my parents couldn’t afford it. That’s an achievement.

Such a weird bitter outlook.

Some people have generous families with more means than they need so they help the generation coming up. Very normal perspective.

It’s hardly poncing off mummy and daddy.

Would you refuse an inheritance because it would be embarrassing and infantilising? Somehow I think not.

Your family and in in-laws paid you to stay close by? What did you want? Do you think the offer of money skewed your thinking?

@thesealionbut I have never claimed it was a personal achievement? I will always say I had help
on to the ladder. I could have bought in a cheaper part of London but as I said parents & in-laws preferred us to stay local.

@RadroverI like where I grew up although it has changed massively (gentrification) vs my youth. DH & I met at uni elsewhere but happened to come from the same part of London and had mutual acquaintances. Vast majority of our school friends/friends are still in and around the area too.

You're not really an "adult" until you start working and become independent though. I think it's pretty much essential to "help" your children whilst they're children and whilst they're going through University, and right through until they get a "proper" job. These days, that's probably till they're around 22/23 years old because of the "extension" of education through to sixth form and university, whereas in the past most people would have left school at 16 or 18 and got jobs. Can't really expect your children to pay for all Uni related costs themselves nor set them up in a new city for their first proper graduate jobs.

My immigrant parents come to London with little but did have some help from wider family with a housing deposit, it’s very normal in many cultures. Of course their house cost approx 50k back then!

I was going by your earlier post which said “Why does my parents helping me out with a housing deposit so I spent fewer years renting mean I have less sense of an achievement?”

I'm in my 40's and my parents regularly help me with childcare, odd jobs when needed and as I don't drive my Dad still gives me lifts as and when although I get buses and taxis when out on my own. Although I buy most of my daughters' clothes they still help out with clothes and shoes as they did when I was with my ex and had less money. When my children have left home I will help them if needed but I won't interfere. I know my parents do their best not to take over or be overly critical even if it comes across that way to me at times.

I'm not talking about uni costs Seems some people are still getting handouts in their 30s and 40s.

As an example someone I know (very well) got a filthy message from a 30some child because he had not renewed ( and paid ) for travel insurance for them. They were a deputy school head at the time. In fact that person ( 2 kids) had not had much contact with them since he retired and hasn't got the money to pay all this stuff for them. So since saying no a couple of times they never get in contact or reply if he contacts then

So that was the result of setting expectations that " daddy " will pay
Ano

Oh and my DS has graduated and rents a flat with his girlfriend.Which he's done so even 3rd year of uni ( he's still 22 now) Many of his friends moved into shared houses if they went to cities (DS didn't) . But DS saved up deposit costs and set it up with free furniture etc. DD did drive the van for him as they didn't like the fact he was under 25.

Shouldn't this be a mutual thing between grown up children and parents, all helping each other? Raging that parents are not running errands, feeding pets and doing DIY is a bit much if you never offer to help them.

@thesealionbut my sense of achievement isn’t particularly tied to the area I bought property in, why would it be? We still needed a 6 fig income to facilitate the purchase. And just because you have help in one area it doesn’t mean you aren’t learning how to stand on your own feet etc. I had a paper round at 14, saturday job at 15 & worked to support myself at uni. I expect the same from my dc although I appreciate the job market is different now. I still save & invest for them so I can help them with housing in the future.

I think for most it is mutual? DH does lots for his mum particularly now she is older & I do the same for my parents. Thats a big advantage of living fairly close.

Seems some people are still getting handouts in their 30s and 40s.

@Thechaseison71 I agree that expecting your parents to pay your bills in your 30's is ridiculous, but personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with the occasional monetary gift if the parents want to. When financial support is expected at that age though, it can definitely lead to entitled behaviour.

Seems some people are still getting handouts in their 30s and 40s

This is often because their parents are now older and start accumulating money & aren’t sure what to do with it. So they treat their dc to holidays or pay private school fees for their gc etc.

My parents are taking all of us (siblings & partners etc) on a group holiday. None of us expected it but we aren’t going to say no to prove we are fiscally responsible!

Neither DH nor I received any kind of help or support. Both left home young and made our own way. It’s very different for our own DC and, funnily enough, both sets of parents are now looking at us to help them!

@sandalbed Exactly! If someone offers you something nice like a holiday and you know that they can afford it, why would you turn it down?

DH now takes his parents on holiday once a year and I can see us offering the same to our DC in the future if we can afford it. We'd enjoy doing it tbh.

@BruFordwe also have taken MIL on holiday as she is alone now.

An inheritance isn’t the same though? You only get one if someone has passed away.

@Differentforgirlsmy money for a house deposit came from gps passing away. Parents and in-laws just passed it down.

But I’m unsure why an inheritance isn’t classed as poncing vs money from a different source?

I help my DCs whenever I can both financially (when I can) and physically. My parents did the same for me. My DCs and GCs are the most important things in my life so why wouldn't I? I think it's just something that family does for each other.

Probably solely because @Differentforgirls benefitted from an inheritance, so wants to tell herself and others that is ineffably "different" and more righteous than being given the same moneyby the same person when that person was alive.

Most of us would rather our DC aren’t counting down the days until we snuff it so they can get their hands on the money that they desperately need whilst the older generation hold it
It’s far more ethical to give it to them while you’re alive

But sometimes an inheritance only actually happens when someone dies and their house is sold. They need their house when alive surely . That's not " holding" onto money when the younger ones are struggling unless you expect them to sell their home to give money away while they are alive

Take my mum for example. When she was live she had a grand sum of 3.5k in savings. Her house was more many more multiples of that but she could hardly give that away without selling it and making herself homeless