To ask how much help you give your adult kids?

[BennettsHome]

And what type of help? My parents have always helped in any way they can- financially, with errands / care for pets, diy etc. I felt so sad for my friend recently who I discussed this with. Her parents do nothing for her, no support in any way even though they can. Is this normal? She said she wishes they were more helpful in her life but they just never have been. Do people stop helping their kids when they're adults?

I wasn’t suggesting that she should
But there are other circumstances where people are able to take 25% lump sum out of their pensions for example
I found one down the back of the sofa and fully intend to give the kids the benefit of that I didn’t know I had it so I won’t miss it

Yeah my dad did that Used it to pay off his mortgage

@Thechaseison71my gps had actually died years before we received the cash. So do you class an inheritance as poncing?

No I don't.

What on earth have your grandparents got to do with it though,?

That’s a shame he didn’t have his mortgage paid off long before then back in those days. They were easily cleared in under 20 - 25 years.

@Thechaseison71

You are the one who replied to my post about the help I had with a housing deposit as below

”Speaking for myself id feel infantilised and embarrassed poncing off mummy and daddy”

We actually ponced off our grandparents as they are the ones who died and our parents just passed some of the inheritance on.

Why is it awful? My parents have helped occasionally in an emergency and made a contribution to our wedding but no day to day help or financial help. My parents both (separately) moved a long distance away from their children (one 100s of miles, one 1000s of miles.) They were great parents when we were children, gave us a great childhood, instilled a strong work ethic and a strong drive for independence in their children. I’m delighted for both of them that they have great lives in retirement. I would never expect my parents to sacrifice their free time in retirement or their money to support their adult children. If one of us was seriously ill or similar they would of course help. But I’d be deeply ashamed if I was still needing help, especially financially, from my parents as a full grown adult. My children are teens, when they are adults I don’t think I would choose to move as far away as my parents have. If I have grandchildren one day I would hope to be involved in their lives. But I have no plans to be continuously providing support of any kind to my children when they are adults. I’m raising them to be better than that.

If it's an inheritance FOR YOU. then that's different

But you said they gave you money to keep you close to them - you didn't say you received an inheritance. You have been economical with the truth.
Why is that different? Because an inheritance is what's left over after a life is lived not what is needed while someone lives.

lol, the goalposts keep moving.

I only ever had one gp & they died when I was a teen , I don’t think it’s unusual the money went to my parents & they passed some of it on to me later.

My parents emigrated with my younger siblings when I was 18 and my dh parents were very measured in help they offered, babysitting was wedding anniversary and our birthdays unless something else was in the diary!
consequently I am / we are the complete opposite we do as much as we can financially, support? babysitting, decorating gardening anything at all. As you get Oder I think you wonder just how your parents can be like this with you and I was determined to break it x

@RadroverHow have I been economical with the truth? As I said my parents helped with a house deposit so we could afford to stay near the part of SW London I am from. The money came from gps who had died some years prior. I wasn’t aware of the rule that some posters have made that inheritance is considered not poncing so I didn’t think it was particularly relevant where the money came from. It’s only in subsequent posts where inheritance has come up but apparently an inheritance not left directly to you is poncing but one that is isn’t poncing. Again these are all rules I wasn’t aware of!

People also get inheritances when people are still alive eg when parents downsize or to reduce a IHT bill.

We help DC's as much as possible - childcare, DIY cash towards various things. DH will work with the adult DC's passing on skills and having a great time as will I.
We have the time and the energy and love seeing them and the DGC's plus I would rather pass on any spare cash now while I probably have more than seven years to go before the grim reaper and care home fees

I will continue helping in any way I can, both practically and financially for as long as I can. I don’t stop being a parent the moment they turn 18. If I can make their lives easier I’ll do it, life is hard work as it is.

I've never heard anyone mention inheritance from GPs - maybe it's very common now...my dad inherited debt from the family farm and responsiblity for his entire family, 8 of them - siblings starting at 7 - he was 21, he brought them up with his sister who was 19.
My mother inherited, I think £5k - not once did I think I had claim to that. I find it mind blowing that people think their grandparents should have left them something. Maybe I am not entitled enough!😳

So we are proactive in our grandchildren’s day to day care.
We have 2 on a Monday, give them dinner and have them organised for clubs for their parents finishing work.
We have our other two Tuesday Wednesday Thursday give them dinner, get them to clubs etc.
they school near our home and are an absolute delight to have around us. Their friends live nearby and are often here too.
My father who is 91 comes for dinner daily so there is a varies age group. My other relatives are here two nights per week so it’s a busy house.
I feel totally blessed to have them around and am thankful for good health and also know both the kids and their parents appreciate what we do.
We have two gc abroad who visit and stay when they can and I only wish I could do more for them. I think we do
enough. We have helped financially but more importantly we have enriched our lives with our children and grandchildren.
Must admit though when it comes to our three days off we like to chill.

I am aware that some kids are happy to take their inheritance asap. My experience is that my mil has used every spare bit of cash to pay for her care needs - sil whinged about her mother not sharing her savings a few years ago - it was unpleasant but who knew what was to come.
Hang out on the elderly parents forum - see what happens people who can't self fund for theri care at home or in a care home because they've given it all away and their kids have happily spent it without a thought.
Old age is hard, helping your parents is hard - not having options because the money has been spent financing your adult kids, who's going to regret that? Good luck though...it's a lottery, you might still win, but it might just destroy you or your elderly relative, or your siblings - because not having options is a nightmare. It's a problem that no one talks about till you are in the middle of it. I hope you never have any understanding of what I am speaking about.

Personally I think ongoing emotional availability/support, practical help where possible is good. Financial and childcare should not be expected

@RadroverI don’t know why you have taken so much umbrage with my posts and why you keep misconstruing them?

Some gps do leave an inheritance and some parents don’t need it so pass it on, plenty of posts on here about it if you need to learn more about the concept because I have no idea why that equals entitlement.

Im also not sure why you are trying to school me on care home fees either, DHs gran was paying 1k a week in the 90s for her care home. This may blow your mind but some people have more money and more options & they can afford care fees & still leave an inheritance. Good luck though - I think you definitely need it more than me!

Where oh where has the op gone?

@Golightly133

consequently I am / we are the complete opposite we do as much as we can financially, support? babysitting, decorating gardening anything at all. As you get Oder I think you wonder just how your parents can be like this with you and I was determined to break it

Nail on the head. It's because we got no help from our parents when we really needed it, that we've gone to the other extreme and supported our DS in all kinds of ways. Whilst it's "nice" (in an awful way) to get large inheritances when parents die, we're too old to benefit, mortgage long paid off, now at end of our careers, DS an adult, etc., hence why we used some of it to help set up our son as it will make a massive difference to him, not having to struggle in the way we had to. For one reason or another, our parents never even did baby-sitting once - never "gave" us any financial help (my mother lent me a small amount to buy my first car but wanted monthly repayments plus interest!!). Can't understand people who want children but don't actually want to help/support them in adulthood.

How would that work if you wanted to go away for a month?

It’s great you enjoy that much work - that amount of effort is an exceptional burden. It’s definitely not for me and I don’t feel any shame for that - my kids know who I am - they are loved but not like that!

If they know they are loved that’s the most important thing.

My parents help me/us out so much. With childcare, with money, with DIY, with lifts, with pet sitting. Anything they can. I’m so beyond grateful for them and I know I’ll do the same for my DD when she’s grown up. It makes me sad that so many people aren’t able to rely on their parents in the way I can.