To ask how much help you give your adult kids?

[BennettsHome]

And what type of help? My parents have always helped in any way they can- financially, with errands / care for pets, diy etc. I felt so sad for my friend recently who I discussed this with. Her parents do nothing for her, no support in any way even though they can. Is this normal? She said she wishes they were more helpful in her life but they just never have been. Do people stop helping their kids when they're adults?

That’s sad. Why weren’t your in-laws more involved?

I don’t think it’s in directional one way help though. Need and help is generally seasonal, most people are mentioning things like their parents helping with kids and financially, therefore the adult children are still in the early stages of family life and the grandparents are also on the younger side. In 10/20 years the adult children will be helping the parents out who are less independent, need help with groceries, taken out, taken to appointments, sitting with them etc.

The OP wasn’t asking “does your family help each other” it was another thread on expectations of material and practical help from older parents to adult children.

No one said she was asking that, nor does she need to.

There are literally countless threads of people asking for advice, tips or support when caring for ageing parents.

They are just incredibly selfish people. FIL never had any interest in his own kids and MIL is extremely lazy. Her own mother came around and helped her most days with her children.

We asked MIL if she would be able to collect our two DDs from nursery as due to my working hours and distance I would not be able to get them before nursery closed. We asked could she collect them twice a week at 6pm, I would collect them from her house at 6.15pm or she could bring them to our house. Nursery was a 2 minute walk to our house and same distance to her house. This was during recession where we were hanging on my the skin of our teeth financially, mortgage, nursery fees etc. When asked her reply was " your father watches the news at 6pm so that doesn't suit us" !!! That was the end of the conversation.

A few years later when kids were in primary school we reluctantly asked again as we were desperate and it was only short term could she collect them a couple of days a week and keep them for an hour until I got home from work. We said we would pay her, no problem doing that. DH just happened to mention that a lot of grandparents collect their grandchildren from school. She instantly turned around and said " and yes, have you seen them, they all look wrecked". So that was a no to.

The thing is due to her laziness and not having any routine she is up until 4am to 5am on YouTube every night. Her health is declining rapidly and its mostly self inflicted whereas the other grandparents who were active and collected/minded gc are in significantly better health.

When the time comes and if and when I'm asked to help out I will very gleefully reply with " and do your ever see those women who look after their MIL, they are wrecked".

There is something very unpleasant about this thread. OP you sound entitled and I don’t believe you know everything about your friends parents situation. I think telling your friend how much your parents do for you when for whatever reason her parents can’t do the same just sounds nasty.

We’ve helped them both financially with house deposits, bought their first car and supported them through uni.

One is getting married so we’ve given some money towards that. Have assisted with house moves/decorating when dd bought her first house on her own.

How do you read an OP and come to this conclusion?!

Your post is quite unpleasant @chanel925

My parents always helped in the ways they could. My dad is a handyman and has saved me thousands by doing jobs and fixing things for free (or the cost of a dinner) and my dm has always done things like buying clothes/house things she knows I’d like.
They’ve bought big things when we couldn’t afford to (like washing machines, even a car when mine died) and always treated us at birthdays and Christmas.

As I’ve gotten older and am now a parent it’s changed. My dad does less as I don’t see him as much but he would if I needed him.
My mum has less money now but happily provides babysitting services, she does my ironing a lot of the time and cooks us tea weekly.

MIL is too far away to be a practical help but treats us when we see her.
FIL is financially well off and has lots of time. We are invited for tea maybe once per week, LO is spoiled rotten by him and every so often he gifts all his children the same amount of money (usually £1k or less).

I remember a friend once just casually mentioning that as she was getting a divorce but didn’t want to live with her ex while selling the house she was moving back in with parents (and her children) while her parents bought a house for her to have ‘until the divorce was sorted.’

My aim is to be somewhere in the middle for LO. Help but push to stand on his own 2 feet.

DH and I have never had practical help from either side. My parents have been generous financially.

Years ago, I paid off thrir mortgages, via an inheritance I got. I try to support my adult GCs.

I do what I can.

I see children as being a lifelong commitment. My parents saw us being all the man or woman we will ever be by the age of 16 and received bugger all support.
The little that any of us did get was so that they didn’t lose face in front of other people or our grandparents literally forced them to do it which is galling
I see the inequalities between the adults with supportive parents even if they’re just Babysitting once a week versus those that don’t and it really is remarkable

@Housebashing I'll always be here for my adult children, but it does shock me sometimes when friends expect their 80-something parents to still look after them when they stay, provide childcare, etc. I don't view it as "right", I suppose, at this point, we middle-aged people should be mainly helping them, not vice versa. Parents aren't lifelong workhorses for their adult children IMO.

I only have one, nearly 47.

His dad and I were always helpful, financially and in other ways.

Now he wants to help me :-).

We had help from our parents, especially with child care.

There’s a line in the sand with everybody isn’t there and taking the piss no matter what the relationship would be frowned upon. That quite clearly wasn’t what I was talking about.

I thought the same. Has it never occurred to OP that not everyone’s parents can afford to give any financial help? By the time I was earning 30k I was out-earning my parents entire household income.

OP lists multiple other ways her parents provide help and support that aren’t financial, no idea where you’re getting that idea she’s making the point that parents can’t help in maybe other ways than financial.

@Housebashing To me, it wasn't entirely clear what you meant by a lifelong commitment.

I can’t imagine you have ever heard even one person expecting their 80something year old parent to help with childcare. Mathematically it would be highly unlikely for obvious reasons.

My dad helps us financially (sends money every year).
My mum helps me at work sometimes (I run my own business)
DH's dad looks after our dog for us while we work or are away.

We're very, very lucky.

Yeah I’m another that tries to help where I can. I don’t have heaps of spare money but will share what I’ve got, and try to help loads with time (so any practical tasks, running around, pet sitting and the like).

I do it because I can, and because I hate to think of them struggling. At their age and in an average job, I knew I could save a deposit, get a mortgage, buy a house and afford to live. Things aren’t so easy now.

Times have changed such a lot and there’s a lot to be said for the different generations helping each other out. I don’t give with the expectation of them helping when I’m old, not at all and they know this, BUT I imagine they’ll be in a better place financially then, so might treat me to a meal out or fetch some shopping etc. They’ve seen this dynamic with me and their grandparents and it’s kind of how our family works.

When I was struggling with my small kids, my parents told if me that I wanted help I should pay for it.

It has made me tougher but I'm not sure it was worth it for the stress. Think I'd rather be less tough!

I will be there to help my children and any future grandchildren - meals, childcare, whatever makes their lives easier.

@Honeyhonayboo People are having children later nowadays. I'm thinking of someone I know IRL who had a baby at 41 when their Mum was 75.

The child is now at primary school and Mum (83) still helps out a lot. Also does cleaning and cooking, has child stay for holidays, etc. Personally, I think it's asking a lot of someone that age and she's too nice to say no, always has been that type of person!

Statistically, most of us will be older grandparents going forward, won't we. If you have a child at 35 and that child does the same, you'll be 80 when your GC is 10.

My children are older, but I can't imagine asking our grandparents (also 80's) to help out much, it doesn't sit well with me tbh.

Ds doesn’t need help financially, but we send money for treats eg money for a meal out when on holiday, generous birthday and Xmas gifts.
we didn’t need any financial help, but my dm was bloody amazing when my dcs were born. We lived overseas and she came to stay for two weeks and did ll the cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing and got up with me every night when I was breastfeeding to keep me company. Dh went back to work immediately after the birth and then took holiday when my dm left so had a lovely four weeks of support.

My DD is not yet an adult but I will help her in whatever way I can while also trying to foster independence as far as possible.

It's a tricky balancing act but the reality is that most kids need some support from their parents to get themselves established in whatever world they choose, whether its a house deposit, the funding of education or money towards a wedding. In an ideal world it wouldn't be necessary but it is and it would be very difficult to be in financial comfort and watch your children struggling.

It's very easy to talk about how pampered children are and how much they need 'resilience', but being pointedly unsupportive when you have the means to not be just comes across as mean.

My parents have never helped any of us financially (with 6 kids that’s kind of a minefield) but they did lots of practical stuff. I will do the same for my kids.
For example:

• My dad helped paint and decorate our homes, my mum also helped with interior design for the boys because they’re hopeless.
• Dad does childcare for my kids and my brothers. I don’t like asking my mum as she did so much when we were kids but sometimes she offers.
• Dad gave us all driving lessons. The other 5 all passed first time. I had to get some professional lessons because he was getting frustrated with me 😬😬.
• My mum has a side hustle as a cleaner and once every two weeks she cleans my house for cheap (I cook her favourite meal and make her extra to take home as well).
• My dad drives the van when any of us move or do anything that requires a man and a van. Tbh he just loves driving the van so it’s not a chore for him.
• My dad will come and fix anything and only charges us for parts (plus biscuits and cup of tea of course).

They have also passed on their skills to us such as mending things, basic car maintenance and repairs ect. While they have never had cash to give us I don’t feel I’ve missed out at all, and I probably wouldn’t take cash from them either. I think the value of what they do for us is really high and over the years they’ve saved me tens of thousands. My mum tried a few times but it makes me feel icky.