To ask how much help you give your adult kids?

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And what type of help? My parents have always helped in any way they can- financially, with errands / care for pets, diy etc. I felt so sad for my friend recently who I discussed this with. Her parents do nothing for her, no support in any way even though they can. Is this normal? She said she wishes they were more helpful in her life but they just never have been. Do people stop helping their kids when they're adults?

Oh loads. One 19 year old at home who I’m still ‘hands on’ with in lots of areas and a 27 year old who has moved out but I help out with all sorts. Time, money, doing bits and pieces

All part of the job innit?

Loads. Financial, practical, emotional. Any way we can help, we do, and we will continue as long as we’re able to.

Given I'm better off than my parents and have been for years, it would be weird for them to help me financially. However, they would help me out in other ways at the drop of a hat.

ETA my husband and i actually help our parents out financially. Loans, gifts, paying for their subscriptions etc. which i assume is quite unusual but maybe is more common for social mobility sucess stories!

We give as much help as we can. Financial if we can afford it, babysitting picking kids up from school plant watering dropping off at airports , cooked Sunday lunches etc. My parents and’parents in law were the same with us

Mine did a lot to contribute to anything they considered “worthy”. There was financial help in university, use of a car so I could work and a roof over my head as long as I was studying/working. They paid our expenses (legal fees, movers etc) when we bought our first house and came to teach/help us decorate and do DIY.
It has always been made very clear that any sort of regular childcare arrangements were off the table so we weren’t to rely on it and heavily implied that their money would not fund anything they believed to be “bad choices”.
I’m incredibly grateful for the support they have given me but I do sometimes wonder if my life could have been very different had I walked away from it and made choices that were entirely my own.

No help from parents, ever & I think you soon get used to it. We have 1 son aged 18 & I'm quite determined to help him as much as possible providing he is working & helping himself as much as he can.

I never had any help from my parents. They weren’t hands on even as parents when I was younger although tbf my mum had chronic pain.
I have stayed very involved with my kids although my youngest is disabled and I am also disabled. This has limited the help I can give to my older children

My mum helped me so much. Financially, emotionally, even little stuff like when she came to stay and noticed we didn’t have a couple of useful utensils, went home and two days later a parcel from John Lewis arrived with them in it. She always had my back.

She died a few years ago but she has been the benchmark for me and I will help my two girls however I can to make their lives better.

We’ve very lucky with both my parents and In laws. In-laws look after our cat when we’re away and mil irons DH’s shirts every week (her choice she offers we don’t expect it) they have lent us the money to pay off our mortgage and we’re paying them back over the next couple of years. My parents have me to stay 3 nights a week for work, they help me drop off my car for servicing etc, dad drove 80 miles to come and mow our lawn as it was getting wild and we didn’t have the time or energy to do it once! He also came and looked after our cat when we were at a wedding and In laws were away. Both sets of parents contributed to our wedding again their choices there was no expectations from us.
We try our hardest to make them feel appreciated by spoiling them on birthdays, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. We always get together with them all on Christmas Day and try to arrange days out during the year. I look after mum & dad cats when they’re away and we looked after in-laws pond, fish and garden when they went on a cruise last year and we’re laws first port of call when they have technical issues so I like to think there’s quite a bit of give & take in our relationships with them.

I often wonder this. I know of so many of
my parents friends who do so much for their adult children none of which my parents do for us. I do wonder what my parents say when this comes up in conversation. My parents had so much help from my Mum’s parents - weekend childcare throughout our childhood, odd school
nights too. They would also clean do our garden, front and back, it was kept beautifully,
painting and decorating, errands, housework. My own parents do none
of this for us. I do find it all rather strange, they rave about their grandchildren to everyone but in reality live very locally and rarely make any effort to
see us. Mainly Christmas and Birthday and sometimes if months have passed it’s like they suddenly remember we exist.

I would do anything for my adult sons, financial or otherwise. My late dps were the same with us.

Mine are both dead and were more of a hindrance than a help most of the time when they were alive. I have young adult children and we help each other as we all have varying disabilities.

My parents claim pension credit so they aren't in a position to help financially. They like to give batch cooked food but it's more of their own hobby than being genuinely helpful (often doesn't fit in with my meal plans). I have one adult ds who is autistic and I am his carer and support him with everything, including attending medical appointments and dealing with banking and benefits. My younger dcs aren't adults yet but I expect to provide financial help for them, because money gifted out of income is exempt from iht and I'd rather they had the money than it be taxed. I would like to help with childcare for grandkids if that helps them in their career, but it will depend how old they are as I had my dcs late in life so I may be too old to be a hands on GP.

My parents support a lot.

They look after our daughter one day a week, dogs another day plus take the dogs when we go on holiday. We do have their dog when they go away and they’re away a lot more frequently than us.

Financially over the last few years they’ve gifted us £40k (£20k waa inheritance when my nana died, but they said they didn’t need the money).

This week they’ve just told us they’d like to max out our daughters stocks and shares isa for this year so they’re going to gift her c£8k.

Husbands parents don’t really support us, they live 2 hours away so regular help I get. But we get nothing from them. Husbands brother however gets the family house to live in while his parents live in a little two bed while we pay c£2k a month on a mortgage!

Tricky
DH and I are mid 60s; still working.

I got help with a flat deposit but only because my dad went to the US and mother and step were clear they didn't want me to live at home. It made me very resilient and independent.

DH got his maintenance grant made up.

Apart from that no other help. No childcare, no errands, no practical help, no financial help although the latter wasn't needed. Parents were 100 and 240 miles away.

The only time I'd have really appreciated help and cried, was when the DC were tiny (4ish and 9mo ish). I had a UTI and the GP gave me 5pm appointment. I buckled two tired dc into the car with milk, drove to the Dr, put the baby in the buggy. Saw the Dr, buckled the DC back in, drove to the chemist, buggy, buckled back, got home. Got them in. That was the only time I cried. I never resented others having help though. The only time I ever asked my mother for help, she had a hair appointment and it couldn't be cancelled.

Our DC had my full attention from 0 to 6. The best schools, uni fees paid, trust funds including houses (starter) bought when they were children.

DS and DIL recently had a baby. They are thousands of miles away so we cannot help but are visiting soon. DD is getting married next year, moving to Europe with future husband very soon so again we will not be able to help much but in an emergency I could be there in about 6 hours, flights permitting. To be honest I would not do regular childcare and DH is as much use as a chocolate teapot with anything practical.

I think we have brought up independent, capable children but if the chips were down we'd get to them in a shot - something we never had.

Our own mums are now very old and very frail. We are doing our best to ensure they are well cared for.

I think that as we go through life, it can be a wonderful thing to have people in our lives, who care, and are willing, and able to assist us in positive ways. I have not been as fortunate as some, in that respect. I wish that I was.

Well said

Our parents helped us, and we will help our children.

My parents have helped me a lot - financially (contributed to wedding and house deposit), practically (help with childcare), and emotionally (just being there for me). I expect and want to do all that for my DC too as they become adults.

I haven’t asked for, or wanted financial help from my dad since I bought my first home at 22! I’ve always wanted to go it alone and loved the feeling of being financially independent, it gave me a different sort of motivation to what I probably would’ve had otherwise and meant that I worked my arse off in my career to be financially secure. Now I’m 40 with two children and I hate the thought of being financially supported more than ever. My partner on the other hand, his parents bought him a new car outright last year and will often help him and his sister (both 40s) with various things. I understand their reasoning, they will both have inheritances when their parents are sadly no longer here so they’d rather funnel the money over now to see them enjoy it and to avoid inheritance tax but I would feel incredibly uncomfortable if it were me

My mother lies about how much she did and doesn't feel a scrap of guilt about her lies

Before I could walk,I was sent to live with my darling grandad (who was amazing) and when he was shoved in a nursing home and i was forced back under her roof,she made it clear that if I wanted 'luxuries' like food/san-pro/school uniform/books/trips etc I had to work

From about 11-16 I was out grafting before and after school to afford the basics (I couldn't afford any luxuries-if I didn't work one evening,I didn't eat the next day)

I fell pregnant and ended up a single parent

She did less than nothing-but made out to the world she was bringing my dc up for me as 'she cant be bothered'

She never once brought round (say) calpol when they where ill or just bought a set of uniform/shoes/toys 'just because' and to help ease the strain I was under-i was screamed/laughed at if I asked for help so it wasn't worth asking

My ex left me in a lot of debt and she paid it all off but rinsed me financially over and over again (a clever mumsnetter worked out that on an 8k loan,I'd paid back well over 150k over the years)

My brothers on the other hand got everything-theyve never had to dip their hands in their pockets-free rent,holidays fully paid for,any school trips they wanted to go on,driving lessons,cars,petrol,collage courses,food shops bought for them,bills paid,clothes and much more (anything they've wanted,they only had to say and they got it)

I was on the verge of being rushed into hospital once and couldn't go (I had to be treated as an out patient and almost died) as she refused to have the dc (made out like I'd refused to let her have them/help me out to her sisters and friends even though i was begging her to help me out)

It sucks to be the scapegoat in a narcissistic family

I went nc years ago-when I met dp i was amazed at how much support his parents gave him (not just financially)

I'd never had any of that-I'd give my own adult dc my last penny

I do hope their bank accounts keep them warm when they get old(er) as I cant see my brothers helping ('ew!im not wiping their arses!thats women's work!') and I'm not doing it

They will reap what they have sewn

I don't have much help from parents. I'm estranged from my mother. I see my dad every couple of months and we speak on the phone maybe every couple of weeks. He doesn't have the finances to help financially. When we go for lunch now I pay as I earn more than him. It sounds very materialistic but I would love to have a parent who would offer to pay for something or treat me to a new coat or something.
I feel lucky I don't have a mother when I hear about some people's mothers but I am jealous when people get treated to weekends away, shopping trips and nice presents or even taken on holiday. I do feel hard done by that it wasn't my fault I had a terrible mother.
Then I give myself a shake, realise I'm lucky to have a dad I like and forget about it for a few months

As much as I can and as much as they let me . But my parents also did so much for me . My mother said she would rather see the benefits while she was alive then give it to us when they were dead . So they enjoyed spending time in my house knowing how much they helped me with it . I don't understand why you wouldn't if you can afford to . To be there is no virtue in struggling in these economic times . Why wish stress on my family if I can afford it.

My mum helps a lot. Things like childcare and helping with jobs around the house. No financial help though, that goes the other way. Dh parents help his sibling loads, but not us. They will help if we’re really desperate, but it always feels like we’re putting in them so rarely ask.

My mum was incredible but tragically lost her when I was pregnant with my first so never knew her as a grandma. Don’t see much of my dad or in laws. Will do anything and everything to help my children and in laws when they are adults especially post partum I missed my mum despe at these times