To ask how much help you give your adult kids?

[BennettsHome]

And what type of help? My parents have always helped in any way they can- financially, with errands / care for pets, diy etc. I felt so sad for my friend recently who I discussed this with. Her parents do nothing for her, no support in any way even though they can. Is this normal? She said she wishes they were more helpful in her life but they just never have been. Do people stop helping their kids when they're adults?

DH and I have had no help from parents despite them all being retired, living locally and being extremely financially secure.

We have both had to fend for ourselves since we left home and went to university.

You soon get used to it although every now and then you get a reality check when others tell you about their arrangements which can vary from unlimited childcare, funded holidays and in some cases property gifted.

I can’t imagine being like that with our DS when he is an adult. We’ll do everything we can to make his life a little easier.

My mum and dad try to be helpful but I'm 40 with my own kids, I haven't needed them to support me financially or with errands for a long long time! They live a couple hours away, I pay a pet sitter when I go holiday.

I think its normal for ths balance to shift through your 20s, an independent adult doesnt usually need so much support. If anything it typically shifts the other way and towards the younger adult providing support & care to elderly parent.

This is so awful and I'm so sorry. I wonder how these sort of parents respond when their friends of a similar age mention the help they give their kids. Do they lie? Are they not embarrassed or guilty? It is so hard nowadays to have no help, especially with the financial implications of things like childcare. Really sad.

We give a lot both practically and financially although they are all in their twenties. For example ds2 has just bought his first house and dh is helping him lay laminate flooring this weekend despite not being in great health ! A few weeks ago he drove our ds's old car down south for a four hour drive so that dd could have the car and we got it ready for her etc. We do a lot ! I am really only carrying on working a few more years to help save to help them with house deposits although it won't be much !

None whatsoever, we live on different continents.

We both prefer it this way.

Alot of threads about this recently.

This is so lovely. You sound like wonderful, dedicated parents.

My parents gave next to zero help with anything. Literally anything.
Ours are between the ages of 30 and 11 and we would do anything for them.

I’m very lucky and my parents help in every way they can.

lots of childcare, my mam will ask if there’s any clothes the kids need or will pick up a load of polo shirts etc for them without me asking.

When me and my partner split for a few months a few years back they moved me back in and looked after me so well while I was low. They wouldn’t take any money for rent or anything.

My dad will do DIY projects around our house and do minor fixes on my car as my partner has no idea about any of that. Again all free of charge and without me asking him to.

They are amazing.

I wish I could help more..Dc1 is a single parent with no financial help at all from wqnker ex trying to do a medical degree on a student loan and a bit of uc with 3 kids under 12 to cope with. I'd do anything to try and help her more than I can, dc2 is fine - living in a other city with his partner and very ok for money dc 3 is at university, luckily on a full loan but struggling to get part-time work there and at home in the holidays although has just managed to, and does have a job away finally, but the rent is pretty much the loan.
I had a very small windfall recently and basically have given as much as possible to the two who need it. I would never sit on money if my kids were struggling

Our DC are adults but still at the Uni / First job stage
We fully funded them at Uni and paid for driving lessons and will hopefully be able to give them the deposits for first flats
After that we shall have to see how things go eg if they are living near us etc

I don't understand when it became "normal" for adults to expect so much "help" from parents.
Assuming a regular childhood where parents arranged for a child to be educated, fed, socialised etc, why would any functioning adult expect their parents to keep on running around after them (assuming no disabilities, special needs etc)? Aren't any of you in the slightest bit embarrassed to keep asking for all this "help"? Why can't you just get on with your own lives?

Just today I’ve been over to my daughters with food and paracetamol as she and my delicious baby granddaughter have temperatures and runny noses. I am delighted to be able to help and wouldn’t do it any other way.

I think some people ( not everyone) have more money now and are happy to pass it down

In out case it is the insane cost of rent in private houses for students and the pathetic amount of loan that barely covers it; the lack of part time work and a million students applying for them and with the eldest, trying her best to improve life for the children, a deadbeat tosser of a father who is 'too ill' to work and support them.

They never ask but it's not the 80s anymore. When I went to university, we got a decent grant and could afford to live not just exist and when I was a single mother n the 1990s I could get a decent job and cheaper childcare, including a free state nursery. It's not pampering or pandering, it's lifestyle

This being MN you'll find that a lot resent the fact that people's parents help, simply because their own parents never helped them.
In my case my parents had no money and even if they had I wouldn't have seen it, in fact we helped them.
My DC are in their 20s and we help in as many ways as we can, mostly financially but also practically and with advice and support. Helped them both when buying houses, help on a regular basis with money and practical help such as decorating.

I'd do anything for my DC whatever their age. We are comfortably off and I'd rather they saw the benefit now when they need it.

We gave ours a substantial house deposit. We’ve paid for a couple of family holidays and subbed them when they’re short for large items (eg broken washing machine).

But in answer to your question, we have friends who literally pay for everything for their DC. House, student loans paid off, holidays twice a year (not family holidays just the DC goes with his friends, cars, etc) Their DC is a horrible brat who never visits them unless he has his hand out and never does a thing to help them. So no, I don’t feel guilty at all that we can’t help ours out as much as they help theirs.

In turn, there will be other parents who can’t help theirs out as much as we help ours. I never had a penny from my parents because they just couldn’t afford it.

Actually you sound quite bitter.
children are for life no matter how old they will always be your children. Lots of parents don’t want kids to go through hard times they did when they can afford to help and make life a bit easier.

Lots of parents want to have good relationships with grandchildren want to help look after them and often the have a great bond for life

I'm helping my 21 year old as much as I can. Emotional and practical. He's going to start an apprenticeship in September which I'm incredibly proud of him.

I mean yes life is more expensive and I understand the desire to help offspring out but having never had much help from my parents both now deceased I have had to make it work alone. My ex is remarried with two pre schoolers and they seem incapable of basic life without a grandparent helping ( all grandparents live in different countries).

Perhaps Im being harsh but having had to do life mostly alone it’s taught me a few hard lessons.

Oh loads! My two are now around 30. They’ve both had house deposits and, wedding cost help. One had uni help, the other has had a car bought brand new instead. We’ve paid for private healthcare when required for a partner . We pet sit and childmind once weekly. Help with diy, lifts to the airport. All sorts

Help with wedding costs or house deposit
No interest loans - last year I paid off both their credit cards and saved them a fortune
Practical help - we all do lifts to airport, railway station, taxi for night out if free for each other
Help with pet feeding if on holiday
DD has baby DD who I am very happy to look after when I get chance

three in their 40’s and we help with anything they ask. rare but available for childcare, staying over or financial help.
we paid for their uni fees and gift generously (or so I think).

I have only given money for presents (although have never been asked for any) but if I see something I think one of them, or my gorgeous GC would like when shopping or browsing online, I’ll pick it up for them. I have my GC once a week overnight but that’s at my request as I adore spending time with him and my sister has a day with him too to save my daughter money on childcare. I’m happy to help and advise but I’m (usually!) mindful of not taking over. My own dad will still come over to help me / supervise with odd jobs if I’m not sure how to do it. Isn’t all of this what families are for?

i do a days childcare for each of my two children
baby sit when asked and sleepovers too
i pay towards one grandchild’s dance lesson and buy them clothes and toys when I see something on sale they might like.