Equal bill splitting annoyance

[Adfreefreezer]

Just after some balanced opinions.

Context is that 4 of us old work colleagues meet for dinner 2 or 3 times a year.

We always split the bill equally between us.

Last time we met last week it was noticeable that 2 of us including me ordered a drink at the bar when we arrived and then paid for it ourselves and then found our table and didn't drink any more.

Other 2 ordered all drinks at the table to go on the group tab and had 4 or 5 alcoholic drinks.

I had a main at 15 quid, others ordered mains all about 20 to 22 each, no issue there.

However the bill came to just over 160 plus tip and we all paid about 45 each, it really struck home that 2 of us are massively subsidising the others 2 alcohol !

Don't want to spoil the atmosphere but equally it's irritating !

No one skint , all working

What is a pleasant way to put a stop to this ?! Without being mean or penny pinching

first work christmas meal, I had one small msi everyone else ate and drank. my £8 meal cost me £25. it was 28 yrs ago and still gutted!!!

You are right, but still glad I did as got it off my chest! Didn't want to be worrying about how to broach it next time!

Well I don't eat meat and I rarely drink alcohol, so no. What I am saying is that to keep the table for your group someone has to be ordering a decent meal and maybe rounds of drinks. If everyone went cheap the night would be over in no time. So in that respect, you are using bigger spenders too if you're the side dish and a glass of tap water type. I absolutely don't think it is right for big drinkers to have everyone else picking up their tab.

Grab the waiter to pay the bill and say “I’ve had steak and chips and a glass of wine, so I’ll pay for that!” And pay for that. If you’ve always split the bill equally and that seems too much to do then just say at the start “I’ve got my drink at the bar so I’ll just pay for my food”. If anyone objects then when the bill comes and it is suggested it’s split equally then say “sure, let’s deduct the drinks and split the food as I haven’t had any additional drinks”. My friend doesn’t drink and she just says she’s only paying for food and one lemonade and that’s fine

This! I'm not in the UK but this is how it's always been done when I go out for a meal (aside from the tipping which isn't common here). I don't think I've ever been out with anyone where the bill has been split, it's a ridiculous way to pay.

It’s people pleasing to pay for their excesses, just say ‘I’m paying for what I had’ I’ve had this two men ordering ‘buckets’ of different craft beers and expecting us to split the bill. They hate it when you say no.

Ive found which group of friends of mine are fair and caring and with them we split the bill as we discuss if it is unfair to anyone who has had less. With others I simply state “I’ll pay for mine separately” with a smile. PERIOD. No explanation and no reason for anyone to argue otherwise. If others want to split, its up to them. Usually those not drinking or ordering less things also end up following suit.

They were being unreasonable. They should think generously.

Nope.

Everyone should approach these situations in a spirit of generosity, not in a spirit of penny-pinching.

Could you try to eat at places which have the QR code on the table? That way everyone orders everything themselves and pays as they go along. It worked brilliantly for our work Xmas do as everyone paid their own drinks tab as they went rather than the usual fiasco of trying to sort the drinks bill out. I feel your pain as I hate pettiness over bills but also hate paying loads extra for people who take the mickey.

Nope!

Everyone should approach these situations in the spirit of fairness!

But why don't you think the penny pinchers are the people who don't offer to pay for what they ordered? I do

OH dear what a mess.
I eat out a lot quite often with different groups, and before ordering I, or someone else usually, says can we have separate bills please.
No one can object.
On what grounds could they object it is totally fair.
You pay for what you eat.
I've been to many restaurants and the response by the Waiters etc., is
"Of course everybody does that now."
Believe me this is absolutely the norm now.

I don't know if you're trying not to understand in order to accuse me of being a cheeky fucker or just can't grasp the idea of mutual altruism over time.

I feel good treating my friends from time to time, splitting the bill even if I didn't have the pudding, doing a good turn even when my friends aren't in a position to pay me back. I don't keep score of these moments, or expect some precise mathematical payback, pound for pound or hour for hour.

I feel good about this intrinsically, because it's nice to treat people. But also, because I choose friends who share the same spirit of generosity and trust, I also benefit from their generosity at other times. They get to treat me sometimes. I get to treat them sometimes.

So there are absolutely moments during our friendship when I will happily drink - even guzzle - wine I haven't paid for, or get in someone's Uber without slipping a fiver in their hand.

Like another poster said, I am happy "it all evens out over time."

Now you may choose to be friends with people who are mean-spirited cheeky fuckers, looking to put one over on you. Your tactic of calculating every penny you spend is economically sound but emotionally unintelligent. To me and my friends that would look mean-spirited, as if you don't trust people to do the right thing over time.

And... you don't. In every post I've made on this thread, I have encouraged over-paying, being generous, putting more in than you take out. You have chosen to accuse me of being a cheeky fucker because, it seems, you can't comprehend that other people may approach life in a more trustful, less transactional way than you.

When I write "everyone should", I mean everyone should. How does that not include the people you are talking about?

I agree with this completely.

if you walk away from a night out with friends thinking ‘urgh, I paid an extra £6 tonight because Sheila had a cocktail with dinner and I didn’t’ why are you even friends with them?

I know that’s not the case of the OP, as she sees these people very few times a year and seems to be consistently paying more and it never swinging back in to her favour, but the above sentiment makes sense to me.

At Christmas, do you appreciate generous gift-givers, or do you worry that you might have paid more for a gift than the gift you got back?

There are some very good points on this thread thanks all.

Mostly I agree with friends it's give and take and no one keeps score.

This particular situation ( doubtless of my own making for being a bit wet) is consistently me overpaying at least double what I have had.

There is no acknowledgement of this by them and as I only see 2 of these people on these occasions it's got to stop as it's annoying me and it's consistent behaviour. If they want to get pissed they can pay for it themselves !

I feel better for having told them all I won't be sharing their alcohol bill going forward,

If they don't like it, that says more about them I think.

It's purely the social awkwarsness of it when the bill comes, but I am.over that after this thread!

It seems a bit grim to be privately in the mindset of watching people “necking down drinks” and then sending a text straight after the event about splitting bills. Seems a clumsy way to handle it.

Too late anyway the text is out there. They will probably start catching up without OP.

In my opinion it's a bit grim to constantly expect others to sub you, if you want to neck drinks that's not an issue as long as I am not expected to partly cover the cost for you.

I agree with a PP it shouldn't be shameful to want to pay for what you have particularly on occasions where you know that without fail you will be expected to pay at least double what you have had and this will never be reciprocated

Clumsy approach by me yes possibly, but I have had enough now and this kind of socialising is not for me. Its bad manners at best and grabby at worst.

In this group of friends I would be the drinker! One friend always wants to split the bill but I say no as she does not drink! The other drinker sits there quietly hoping for a split. We went out last week and I worked out what I owed based on what I ate, drank and the tip. As I was about to pay the other drinker got there first and said what she owed, however she had not included the tip and I made her pay again! She was being a cheeky fuck and got caught out. She does it everything and I've let it go but this time I said something and it felt good. Its time to find your voice - and if they're real friends they'll be cool with it!

I think it's really cheeky of them not to offer to put in more when they know you never drink. Alcohol makes a massive difference to a bill.

You could agree to all order drinks from the bar and just split food bill?

I’m a teetotaller and always state very clearly at the beginning of any group meal that I’ll only be paying for what I order … plus 20% tip. And that’s ALL I pay. Like you OP, I was stung for other people’s drinks in the past - I just won’t pay it now. I work out what my food/drink/tip cost and when the bill arrives I tell them how much my share is …

It’s not ‘approaching life in a more transactional way’, it’s years of having the piss taken - if you never get it back then you begin to begrudge it.

You say you choose your friends carefully. Do you never eat out with friends of friends, or work colleagues that you’re not particularly close to? You can’t always control who is part of the circle.

I was just like you, always the first to put my hand in my pocket. Indeed, I still have friends where it is give and take. But for the other cheeky fuckers, they can pay their way. It’s easy to be generous when that generosity is reciprocated, but when it isn’t then that generosity is actually just being a people-pleasing doormat. I probably paid ten times as much as I ever received over the years because I was scared of looking miserly. I’m much older and wiser now, and I value myself a lot more.

Cheeky fuckers exist and they’ll continue to cheeky fuck while others let them get away with it.