To call it a day with DP as his "ex" wife books yet ANOTHER holiday on one of her custody weekends and he just sucks it up.

[mondaycando1]

They have 50/50 custody, she has half the year to book holidays and yet in the 3 years we've been together, she must have booked half a dozen holidays that mean he's needed to have the kids on her time. He NEVER says no for fear of upsetting her.

Their divorce has dragged on for most of those 3 years (they've been separated 6+ years, she had an affair, still with the bloke as far as he knows) as he deferred to most of her demands and didn't fight them for fear of upsetting her.

He was really ill last month which meant we had to cancel the long awaited 5 day break we had booked (I also have 50/50 custody, same pattern, so 5 days is the most we can get away together, other stuff often gets in the way so this only happens a couple of times a year).

Just this morning, to celebrate him finally being able to push the button on the divorce final order today, we fathom out another weekend in 3 months time we can get away together. What happens this afternoon- she tells him she's booked a holiday that very same weekend we had free and could he have the DC? I totally swear she's done it out if spite because of the final order. Of course, so he doesn't upset her, he's agreed.

Fuming here.

Yes this, why would he say no? Why would any parent say no, unless they were ill or other extenuating circumstances

Why cant the kids come on holiday with you?

Exactly this. Men are being talked about on this thread that they should be able to control women and if they cant they're weak and its his fault and he is to blame.

OP cant control her ex, but she no doubt thinks she is the victim in that set up and she is not to blame and its not her fault.

And a lot of those commenting on this post.

But MN is known for it's double standards.

OP'ers DP is also allowed to make plans for when it's his ex's time with her DC, she clearly knows when it's her time and when it's his, so therefore she should also respect this and he should never feel he has to cancel them as he feels...

He NEVER says no for fear of upsetting her.

After a couple of days reflecting, I see my OP has been interpreted as me not caring about his children or wanting him to prioritise me over them and that's so not the case and am not critical of him wanting extra time with his children, the massive issue is the dynamic with the ex. He and I have spoken about this and he's going to try to avoid future manipulation.

Oh and the PP who mentioned I am only a parent for 183 days per year, you can do one - I am a parent. Full stop. The mental load doesn't stop when they're not with me, I work 2 jobs to afford to do stuff with them as 50/50 means ZERO maintenance despite XH earning 6 figures and some.

OP, that's not necessarily true. If there is a noticable difference in income you can still get maintenance when you do 50-50. I just did a calculation for 50-50 with 2 kids and his income being 125K/year and you should receive some £600/month in maintenance.

Why can’t they go with their mum on her holiday? It’s her week to have them ?

I think because it’s a hobby related trip. It might not be much fun if the kids don’t share the hobby.

Come on, she’s booked holiday when it was her turn to have the kids without checking with her ex first. How you can possibly think that’s reasonable is beyond me.

I have a 50:50 arrangement, and we sometimes swap it around to accommodate holidays and other things, but we always check with each other beforehand. It’s like work… and you don’t book your holiday and flights before you’ve arranged your l leave.

It sounds like he has the kids more than her then if she’s booking holidays on her 50% of the schedule? I hope he’s not paying maintenance to her too, she should be paying it to him.

Ive been in your position OP and it’s awful, it’s not about being a “good dad” it’s letting your ex dictate your life which is sounds like she’s doing. It’s really not difficult for her to plan things on her time, she gets a lot more free time than most parents who’ve split so to book things when she should have her children isn’t really on. The anxiety over not being able to plan anything is something you have to experience to know what it’s like. There were times I couldn’t even relax until we had checked into places and even then I was always worried he’d get a phone call halfway through what we were doing and leave.

Because its in term time, her hobby and I believe her boyfriend is also going.

Have a conversation with him about what is going on. If the divorce is that close to being final, then it may be he wants to get it over the line. Equally he may actually want to spend time with his children.

my husbands ex was truley vile for many many years. It was always her way or the highway, and everyone, especially the kids suffered. how old are the children, because once they become teens they soon start being vocal over where they want to spend their time with. I cannot tell if he is someone who won’t stand up to her, but also perhaps not to you either?

see if post divorce he’s for insisting that the weekend changing works both ways, and they can swap with each other. I do get wanting to get have everything finalised to some extent (we had many years of battle over settling the house, which was only finally resolved a couple of years ago (and my step sons are now both in their 20’s).

do the children spend time with both of you?