To call it a day with DP as his "ex" wife books yet ANOTHER holiday on one of her custody weekends and he just sucks it up.

[mondaycando1]

They have 50/50 custody, she has half the year to book holidays and yet in the 3 years we've been together, she must have booked half a dozen holidays that mean he's needed to have the kids on her time. He NEVER says no for fear of upsetting her.

Their divorce has dragged on for most of those 3 years (they've been separated 6+ years, she had an affair, still with the bloke as far as he knows) as he deferred to most of her demands and didn't fight them for fear of upsetting her.

He was really ill last month which meant we had to cancel the long awaited 5 day break we had booked (I also have 50/50 custody, same pattern, so 5 days is the most we can get away together, other stuff often gets in the way so this only happens a couple of times a year).

Just this morning, to celebrate him finally being able to push the button on the divorce final order today, we fathom out another weekend in 3 months time we can get away together. What happens this afternoon- she tells him she's booked a holiday that very same weekend we had free and could he have the DC? I totally swear she's done it out if spite because of the final order. Of course, so he doesn't upset her, he's agreed.

Fuming here.

How is the 50/50 arranged? Is it whole weeks, whole monthsfor example?

Him wanting as much time with his kids as he can get is commendable, but you aren't obliged to be ok with that. The pair of you don't sound compatible, and I think it would be perfectly reasonable to end it if you're not on the same page. Personally, him still being married would be a deal breaker anyway.

He's not unreasonable to want to spend as much time with his kids as he can and try and have an amicable co-parenting relationship with their mother. It's unfortunate that you've had to cancel your weekend away but it doesn't sound like she's done it to spite you. If he's putting his children first, you've got a good man there.

Also she can’t book the holiday out of spite unless he has told her your going away.

It seems a bit drastic to dump him over this, they are his kids and he's got to look after them if she can't or won't. Kids wreck the best laid plans too. It sounds like it's not just this though? Do you feel she's still the priority in his life, rather than you.
I guess him giving her everything she wanted in the divorce has caused issues too if he's expected you to suffer financially due to that? At least he's divorced her, finally.

I mean, it's his child. If he had him all the time, as many parents do, you would have no free days.

The only question(s) that matters is - 'Do I want to live like this until his children have flown the nest? Do I want my life to be dictated to by not just my ex but also his ex?'.

If he never says no, always gives in to her for an 'easy' non-confrontational life - I'd wonder if he would always back down and not just to her.

Real life contains confrontations, i.e. two people wanting different things, be that the big stuff (where do we live, how much will we spend on a house, will we stay together) or small (what's for tonight's dinner, queue skippers, neighbours taking the piss). I'd need to know this person doesn't just fold before every random bully life throws at him, because I don't choose to be pushed around with him.

You've been together three years, so you should have a handle on whether this behaviour is all the time or just with her.

Well he probably likes getting the extra time with his kids and if you were still with your kids dad you wouldn’t have any childfree nights.

5 nights in a row without your kids is a lot more than most have.

if you don’t want to be with your partner split up with him but otherwise just go with it.

She sounds like son who wouldn’t think twice about weaponising the kids
so I can see why he agrees

I’m not sure I’d call him weak.

I think if I only saw my DCs half the year, I’d be desperate to have them more any chance that I get.

It sounds as though you hadn’t actually booked anything?

If he cancels your booking to facilitate her holidays, then yes I’d be pissed off.

But if he hadn’t booked anything, then I don’t see why you can’t just book something for yourselves for when she’s back.

If someone doesn't want to have my kids, then it's on me to have them. It doesn't matter if that other person is their other parent. You can't do that to kids even if said co-parent is willing to.

Just saw you don't live together so yes actually I maybe would dump him if the ex stuff doesn't suit you. Depends if you see him as a long term partner or not.

Couples who are still together don't get child free time away.
I get the situation is different in that you will want to be spending time together without either of your kids there as this is a new relationship etc.
But his relationship with his kids is the most important thing to him, amd if he doesn't want to rock the boat, and is happy to spend more time with them, then why would he risk her making thing difficult in the future?
Not that you aren't important to him, but you won't ever (hopefully) be more important to him until they are well into adult hood, and perhaps not even then.

I think you can either accept this is how things will be, or get out now before it gets harder

Best to move on from the spineless oaf because he won't stand up to her, and anything she books that happens to clash with anything you arrange together is always going to come first. Find someone who puts you first.

Before his kids?

In the relationship.

Before who? What would coming first look like in this context?

Prioritising his dc is fair enough..
Putting his ex before you =hes a spineless twat.
Just tell him you aren't staying in a relationship with a married man any longer..and mean it.

this all sounds very stressful to be honest

I personally think he wants to be a good dad and they come first clearly which is a good sign that he’s a decent person

however would I let this woman dictate to me like this? No I wouldn’t

It’s his kids! He is choosing to put his time with his children before his time with his girlfriend. He’s not prioritising his ex. She has just put him in a situation where he has to choose, but it’s not choosing between OP and his ex, it’s choosing between him having his kids or his kids going to a relative.

That sounds hard. I would have given up a long time ago.

Good grief, surely it would have been the easiest thing in the world to say, ‘Ah sorry, Ex, we’re away to Tenerife that weekend’.

To be fair, if he said no it's a bit shitty. He isn't weak like everyone keeps saying, he wants his kids and they come first. Who would say no to having their own kids? .. If you can't support him and pressure him to say no then you should be leaving. Kids first.

Fine but he also needs some certainty about which dates he has them and which dates he doesn’t. Sitting about at someone’s whim and never being able to make plans is horrible.

I can’t understand why today when she asked he didn’t just respond with sorry, we can’t we’ve just booked a weekend away ourselves. Why on earth has he agreed?? I couldn’t cope with that OP!