To call it a day with DP as his "ex" wife books yet ANOTHER holiday on one of her custody weekends and he just sucks it up.

[mondaycando1]

They have 50/50 custody, she has half the year to book holidays and yet in the 3 years we've been together, she must have booked half a dozen holidays that mean he's needed to have the kids on her time. He NEVER says no for fear of upsetting her.

Their divorce has dragged on for most of those 3 years (they've been separated 6+ years, she had an affair, still with the bloke as far as he knows) as he deferred to most of her demands and didn't fight them for fear of upsetting her.

He was really ill last month which meant we had to cancel the long awaited 5 day break we had booked (I also have 50/50 custody, same pattern, so 5 days is the most we can get away together, other stuff often gets in the way so this only happens a couple of times a year).

Just this morning, to celebrate him finally being able to push the button on the divorce final order today, we fathom out another weekend in 3 months time we can get away together. What happens this afternoon- she tells him she's booked a holiday that very same weekend we had free and could he have the DC? I totally swear she's done it out if spite because of the final order. Of course, so he doesn't upset her, he's agreed.

Fuming here.

To add to my previous post, it sounds like he has a flexible pattern with his ex (assuming she will take DC on his time) and you have a strict pattern with your ex. I don’t think either is wrong, although I know more coparents that do allow flexibility. It does make it much harder if you and DP are in different arrangements. It makes it less practical/compatible.

I’m not sure that is the bottom line. It doesn’t sound like he maybe can’t win here. Or nobody except his kids can in this relationship. I wonder whether it’s your ex-lack of flexibility that actually causes more issues.

I don’t think going away for a 7-10 day holiday once or twice a year is unreasonable. If you are on a 50/50 part week custody schedule that is going to mean finding childcare.
I don’t think it is unreasonable to offer the other parent first refusal. And if you want to spend more time with your kids than the custody schedule allows it seems reasonable to accept and not ask to swap those days (assuming you are ok with any maintenance issues).
it might be unreasonable for him to say yes if you have definite other plans together although I think a lot of MN would argue that he should be putting the kids before your relationship.
it’s definitely unreasonable if she would refuse every time he asked (if he ever does) or causes issues if he were to say no but I might have missed that being the case if you said it.

if she was happy to take them and your ex wanted to spend more time with his kids and would take them there wouldn’t be an issue because you would likely to be able to find 5 days more often. And yet you started a thread about her not him.

I think the whole reason they are together is they are both child free at the same time. OP’s boyfriend having his children an extra handful of weekends, over a 3 year period, is spoiling that for her.

It's one of the joys of Mumsnet. A separated father who has less than 50:50 is lazy, feckless and taking the piss. A separated father who pushes for 50:50 is only doing it to get out of paying maintenance. And a separated father, like this one, who takes every opportunity to see his children more than 50:50 is weak and spineless.

How dare he prioritise his own children over a relatively new girlfriend! What a spineless weak man …

Its actually so gross.

Are you sure it’s ’not to upset her’ and actually ‘because I want extra time with my kids and don’t want them to be shipped off to relatives’

This. Seems like a great dad wanting to have his kids as much as possible. The horror!

I don’t understand the ‘need’ to have child free time. As a parent, you have kids, there is no ‘child free’ time. We didn’t have ANY child free time until ours were adults (as even as older teens and able to stay home themselves if we went away for a night, invariably someone needed running around to a sport, hobby, job etc). Such is life as a parent, why you think anything other than that is mind boggling. He seems to be a responsible dad who understands his obligations to his kids versus a spineless man caving to an ex-wife.

It sounds like unless the man appeases the woman in closest proximity to the "audience", the "audience" cast him as a villain.

I'm a guy.

He's not spineless. He's the only one putting the children first. He's the only grown up in this scenario

And, as a guy, you think men should prioritise their girlfriend over their children?

Spineless would be prioritising his new girlfriend’s desire for a child free relationship at the expense of his children.

He sounds like a decent Dad, OP. And that's more attractive than a parent who won't carry their half of the load.

Imagine this the other way around though, if the dad was constantly fucking off on holidays and leaving mum with the kids during HIS weeks. I think people are only defending her on this because she’s a woman personally. It’s blatant double standards. She’s shoddy and the OP’s partner is a wet lemon for accepting it constantly.

He carries half the load and more, that’s the issue because the mum keeps booking holidays during her weeks so he’s likely having his children more than 50:50 as a result.

Noone is defending the woman.

But when children have a flakey parent it's quite right that the other parent provides them with a stable home where they are always wanted.

It’s not an issue, because it doesn’t bother him.

Not every parent thinks having your children slightly more than 50% of the year is catastrophic.

First of all, everyone who is sticking up for the dad is saying he is doing the right thing by his kids. Not commending him for helping the ex out. She isn't the reason why he is stepping up.

Secondly, she isn't contstantly doing this. It has happened a handful of times in the last 3 years and this time it's due to a hobby of hers that will take up two weekends in a row. They have a more flexible arrangement than OP and her ex and there is nothing wrong with that.

It's hard OP and unless you have been in the situation you really don't know how it feels!
Yes he's being a good Dad, yes the ex if taking the piss.
I am 20+ years down the line and sorry but do have a successful blended family!

We were lucky as we were friends for a very long time before getting together ( since early childhood) so our children knew each other and already did spend time together ( since my the kids were little). There was no cheating, I wasn't the OW and he wasn't the OM, both single for a long time and why we started doing things together so they kids would have fun with a child their own sort of age.

We didn't go on our first 'date' for 6 months, both our ex's were awful and any wiff that would be spending just us time was suddenly filled with a child or 2.
Eventually both ex's buggered off and we had legal custody of both, no weekend visits, no time alone unless we paid for sitters, both full-time parents to 2 children.
As they got older we did have more time and we were lucky in that family would help out.
We were together about 3 years before we got the first weekend away just us.
We were of the mind of this is what it has to be, we will have time when they are grown and we do, it was hard but it's not forever OP, suck it up because if you are supposed to be together you will have years of fun, holidays and time together.
I promise you that when you reflect in 20+ years like I am you will love your DP more for being the step up parent, being solid and reliable because this shows you what your life will look like, what sort of person he is.
My DH is the best Dad to both our children, ( we don't have a bio child together because our kids didn't need that shit).

If Parent A regualrly bails on parenting, then reasonable people understand why Parent B has no choice but to fill the void and step up. All reasonable people would say to Parent A that they should stop bailing, but Parent A is rarely seeking advice for this situation. Parent B refusing is rarely an option because people like Parent A will usually make arrangements that are unsuitable or even dangerous if any at all.

Is there any family who can have them on either side? Aunts/uncles/grandparents?

Is this really necessary?
I started to date whilst separated (so still technically married), as the paperwork is long and drawn out. The split was amicable & we’d been like housemates for a good while before deciding to split. How long should people wait before moving on?

Understand this is frustrating & unfair OP It would (and has) got to me on occasion before. However, I think you need to look past the Ex wife and think of the DC in this. I would have never expected my DH to refuse his DD whether it be "his time" or not. If the shoe was on the other foot what would you do with your DC if your ex said he had booked a holiday? I understand how frustrating it is when you feel like an ex dictates your relationship/family life etc but it isn't forever & the DC will remember all the times dad and you spent with them.

@Ezzee
I can relate to this so much. Similar situation to us although I had no DC of my own when I met DH. We now have 2 and DSD is with us FT due to many reasons with her bio mum but ultimately because she was/is flaky and inconsistent etc. We're 14 years in now and feels like we finally have some peace lol and have a happy, settled family unit. It's hardwork to navigate but I'm a firm believing in I knew what I was getting into when I met DH and both he and DSD came as a package which unfortunately inc the ex 😂

No, I don't, but try to reach some kind of compromise and find common ground with the woman he's made a commitment to. It's not really fair for her to be binned off constantly.

My exH is constantly fucking off on holidays. I don't think that is ok. I think he's a nob. And the same would apply if the sexes were reversed.

What I do know though is that the right thing for me to do for my children is provide them with a stable home where they know they are always welcome.