To call it a day with DP as his "ex" wife books yet ANOTHER holiday on one of her custody weekends and he just sucks it up.

[mondaycando1]

They have 50/50 custody, she has half the year to book holidays and yet in the 3 years we've been together, she must have booked half a dozen holidays that mean he's needed to have the kids on her time. He NEVER says no for fear of upsetting her.

Their divorce has dragged on for most of those 3 years (they've been separated 6+ years, she had an affair, still with the bloke as far as he knows) as he deferred to most of her demands and didn't fight them for fear of upsetting her.

He was really ill last month which meant we had to cancel the long awaited 5 day break we had booked (I also have 50/50 custody, same pattern, so 5 days is the most we can get away together, other stuff often gets in the way so this only happens a couple of times a year).

Just this morning, to celebrate him finally being able to push the button on the divorce final order today, we fathom out another weekend in 3 months time we can get away together. What happens this afternoon- she tells him she's booked a holiday that very same weekend we had free and could he have the DC? I totally swear she's done it out if spite because of the final order. Of course, so he doesn't upset her, he's agreed.

Fuming here.

It's just bizarre - why start a new relationship with a man who has 2 children and then complain that his children occasionally get in the way of your romantic breaks with him?

It's like she's expecting this to work in the same way as it would if they were both childfree, and clearly thinks that his kids are nothing to do with her.

You were not there.
There was no give and take. He meekly did what he was told and was too scared to ask if he could ever swap anything about.
Absolutely everything was on her terms. Not the kid's terms. Hers.
I sat there listening to him begging to see them too.

I didn't want to have to deal with all that so I dumped him.

The whole package also involves someone that often dislikes you for no reason other than you exist. I'd accepted he was a package with children. Not a package with a problematic ex.
Not worth the hassle.

Does your DH enjoy having the kids extra time, does he not mind having them while his ex is on holiday? It’s not about him being weak, he’s a dad and his kids come before anyone and it’s good to see a dad doing that.

Missing the point here I know, but you only ever have your own kids at the same time he has his??? I’ve never shared custody of my child so that might be normal but I can’t help feeling bad for your kids that they never get time any time with you, without his kids being there? Do you ever get to spend quality time with them?

He's putting his children's best interests before his girlfriend's feelings. As all good parents should do.

We both have our DC at the same time as each other but geography and other priorities mean that we absolutely do not foist the kids to be with each other, they have only all met twice. As DP & I only have our DC ~50% of their time, we spend that time as 2 units of 3 (4 teens, 2 each). Though obviously as they are all teens, there's a lot of screens and going out with mates involved!

I've read all your replies OP and understand you feel a bit pissed off.

I'm going to say in this case to an extent your DP"ers ex is taking the piss a bit, she books these holidays knowing it's her time to have her own DC, which she only has 50% of the year anyway yet continues to book holidays during time she's due to spend with them.

If it were a one off due to timings of going away with friends that were tied to only going at set times it's acceptable to ask their dad to have them, but its not, she's showing that she values her own holidays and time spent away from her DC more than she values time spent with them.... That's not acceptable.

Edited to ask....does she swap days or just not bother making up lost time with them?

The fact that so many men are shit doesn't mean this man is going above and beyond by equally sharing parenting with his ex. If a woman has her kids 50/50 no one sees that as her particularly prioritizing her children.

I suppose the fact that so many men are shit at parenting their kids does mean the OP has options for dads with more time though...

I think you’re unreasonable. They’re his children too. Yes it’s annoying that she doesn’t book her weekends but equally, most absent parents would jump at the chance to spend the extra time with their children.

Honestly this! As someone who has never laid eyes on my biological father, I applaud him. They’re his priority! It’s unfortunate that it sometimes impacts the OPs times together but it’s not forever

Bullshit. The ex is messing him around and he's allowing her to. He's allowed to have a life as well.

Too many people deliberately missing the point. Being divorced does not mean having to accommodate all ex wife's plans without her accommodating yours. It's called give and take.

It sounds as if he's a good father, who puts his children first. Many of us would love to find a man who does that. So many times on here, we hear the other way round, where its "dead beat" dad messing mums around, and we're told to "put the kids first", "new partner needs to learn that our kids always come first", "we come as a package deal" etc etc.
Obviously you can move on, but i wouldn't throw a good relationship away over this.

What an arsehole - a man who WANTS to spend time with his DC.

OP - walk away; the step mum life is not for you.

I totally get it btw. If I found myself single again, id never date someone with kids younger than 17.

Good for him being a good father and not letting his children suffer because of her behaviour. He needs to be the bigger person here, because he's the only stable parent these kids appear to have. He will be the one they thank when they are older. The kids still need to be taken care of regardless of her behaviour.

If he does kick off with her it could risk contact with his children. She sounds extremely manipulative. However, what he does need to do is take her to court for a legal custody order that she must stick to at all times. What would you do if those children lived with you full time? Because there's no such thing as a part-time parent unless you're a scummy parent, like their mum.

Personally I think you should assume you might have to full time have the kids and work out if you’re ok with that - they might decide to live with you or other parent might die / decide to move without kids. Any childfree time is a bonus.

It’s about 6 times in the space of 3 years, I’m sure he feels like he has plenty of time to have a life.

Honestly anyone bitching about their so called partner having his own children for an extra weekend or two in a year needs to take a look at themselves.

YANBU. I finished with a guy for similar reasons. His wife ended the marriage, he had to move out of the family home in to a tiny two up two down. She kept the car, she worked part time even with both kids in school and he was the main bread winner. She made sure he only had them 3 nights a week so she could claim CSA. He was also paying for her car and the mortgage so transferring her £2k a month. The nights she had his kids would change week to week depending entirely on her social life and she would
never, ever have them on a Friday or Saturday night so he always had them all weekend. On top of this, she made him do all the school runs back and forth (even on days he didn’t have them) despite the fact that she kept the expensive family car and he could only afford an old banger. She would throw a spanner in the works often at the last minute if we had plans. I found the fact that he wouldn’t stand up to her deeply unattractive and I left him,

Do the kids ever get taken on holiday?

I'm sorry op, I understand why it's so frustrating. But personally I think when you are dating someone with children you need to be prepared for those children to be with him 100% of the time if something happens to the other parent or if (as in your case) the other parent is difficult/unreliable. I think you go in with your eyes open that his kids and what's best for them need to be the priority.

I personally would not see him as weak I would see him as putting his kids first and getting as much time with them as possible.

That being said,if he has a prior commitment with you then if he can't say to her it doesn't suit, he needs to look at other options like grandparents or similar to give you both the chance to have time together.

I want to make sure I am understanding this correctly - you and your DP planned a well deserved holiday 3 months away during a week the ex is scheduled to have the children. She then calls your partner and tells him she has plans for that very same weekend (when she is scheduled to have the children!) and asks for him to cover her time? And he immediately folds and your holiday is cancelled? He's taking the piss and you are a fool to stay with him. Imagine your whole life like this.

It’s time that people faced reality here. In general women just aren’t cut out for being step parents.

And before someone with an agenda jumps in with the “and men are?” Narrative, the fact is, it is different.

Because most men know that when they get together with a woman with kids the likelihood is that the kids are going to be with them for the majority of the time.

Whereas it’s almost an accepted norm that no woman should be expected to put up with another man’s children more than once in a blue moon, and God forbid it interferes with her life.

And while people are quick to jump to say that it’s the ex wife being annoying and should be stood up to, while on the face of it that’s all very well, but what message does that send to the kids? “Your mum wants to go away for the weekend but you can’t come here because my shiny new wife thinks you’re in the way of our dirty weekend.”

There is no way of refusing to have the children which doesn’t put them last.

And all this “you deserve to be happy/have a life” bollocks which people trot out here to justify putting kids last every time is all the justification needed to say that this whole blending of families needs to be outlawed.

How would she know you'd booked that weekend?

My partner was like this for quite a long time. Ultimately you either have to accept the way he manages his ex or move on.

What we did, was to ‘book’ weekends with her a long time ahead. She was better at respecting that than the ‘routine’ weekends.

My ex was also a big fan of just booking stuff without asking or checking. There was no point in getting mad about it. He has never changed, 10 years later. I just roll with it. It’s possible that he’s exhausted from battling this all through his marriage. I certainly was!!