To call it a day with DP as his "ex" wife books yet ANOTHER holiday on one of her custody weekends and he just sucks it up.

[mondaycando1]

They have 50/50 custody, she has half the year to book holidays and yet in the 3 years we've been together, she must have booked half a dozen holidays that mean he's needed to have the kids on her time. He NEVER says no for fear of upsetting her.

Their divorce has dragged on for most of those 3 years (they've been separated 6+ years, she had an affair, still with the bloke as far as he knows) as he deferred to most of her demands and didn't fight them for fear of upsetting her.

He was really ill last month which meant we had to cancel the long awaited 5 day break we had booked (I also have 50/50 custody, same pattern, so 5 days is the most we can get away together, other stuff often gets in the way so this only happens a couple of times a year).

Just this morning, to celebrate him finally being able to push the button on the divorce final order today, we fathom out another weekend in 3 months time we can get away together. What happens this afternoon- she tells him she's booked a holiday that very same weekend we had free and could he have the DC? I totally swear she's done it out if spite because of the final order. Of course, so he doesn't upset her, he's agreed.

Fuming here.

Yes I agree. I'm dating someone who is in a pretty complicated situation with their ex and childcare arrangements, and it definitely is giving me pause about how viable a relationship is, but I don't blame him, he genuinely is in an incredibly difficult position and it's not as simple as just saying no. You can't actually force people to stick to even court ordered childcare arrangements, and they are your kids at the end of the day - and you will have to deal with the coparent for a long time, no one wants to make things worse and have that impact on the children/your relationship & access to them.

I would cut my losses. There is too much drama with the ex-wife. That and he’s weak. Life is too short for that.

Sure but how about the OP? Are the stepparents not people anymore who also matter? Do they always need to come last in the pecking order? I think not.

The children would not suffer from spending a weekend with grandparents or the mum having to cancel her holiday (rather than OP having to). Why does she always need to bend over backwards and be the last one in the priority order? OPs husband should absolutely put his foot down and say no to the ex every once in a while. She is the one being selfish, not OP or her husband.

People will say he’s under the thumb, a wet blanket etc, all the things people on me say whereas they’d what? Argue and have the kids potentially think their parents are arguing not to have them? Avoid a weekend with their kids? I don’t call it weak for him to be there for his kids. Just pick another weekend! And if you want to call it a day over this then what was the last few days for? He’s nearly divorced!

I understand it's frustrating for you but in his shoes I'd do the exact same thing. Living apart from my children 50% of the time would be incredibly hard and I'd jump at any opportunity for extra time with them 🤷‍♀️

Plus it would be awful for the kids to feel like neither parent wanted them because they were both planning holidays without them...

TBH he sounds like a good dad who puts his children first (as he should).

6 weekends in years is “constantly”?

I don’t see it as him being weak. I think it’s a good thing he doesn’t live in constant battles with his ex and just lets things slide. It’s the best thing for the children. I say that as someone who grew up with divorced parents who were always trying to score points against each other and me and my brother were always caught in the crossfire.

She doesn't. She can dump the man who is prioritising his kids and find one who doesn't. Personally, I think it is a bit shit when a grown adult is throwing their toys out the pram and calling a responsible father wet and weak for his priorities.

You don't agree. As is your prerogative.

Going back to my original post. Men who put themselves before their kids are ten a penny. She can trade this one in for one of those.

Yeah if he doesn't man up, I think OP probably should separate and find someone who appreciates her rather than panders to his ex

OP is a girlfriend, not a wife or stepmum so she should realistic come below his children when it actually doesn’t affect her that much.

Someone who panders to her, rather than stepping up for his kids. She should dump him so he can find someone who appreciates him. Its all about perspective. 🤷‍♀️

Having his own kids maybe half a dozen extra times over a 3 year period, with no other details about their wider relationship isn't saying he doesn't appreciate her.

Meh. He prioritises his kids already by having them 50:50 which the vast majority of men wouldn’t dream of doing, most women are lucky if the guy agrees to EOW… He’s having them more than the 50:50 agreed because the ex keeps booking trips away during her weeks. It isn’t like OP is moaning because her partner sees his children once in a blue moon and she doesn’t want that. She’s only complaining because the mum keeps deliberately booking trips away during her own weeks with DC which is sabotaging her own time with her DP.

He's putting her feelings before yours. Not acceptable.

How demeaning. They've been together for three years, so quite rude to be throwing those types of comments around 🙄

It's accurate though. She doesn't really know his kids so she isn't a step-mum to them, and they don't live together or share finances/bills/food shopping etc. so she isn't a partner either. They just see each other when they don't have their kids. I think girlfriend/boyfriend is probably the correct term here, even though it sounds a bit juvenile.

Rude to throw around the facts that they aren’t married?
It’s an accurate description of their relationship.

He is prioritising his ex wife, not the children
she is the one rejecting them, he only books holidays when he knows they are with their mum, she does not do that

and DP should not enter in to new relationships if he isn’t willing to prioritise his new partner by pandering to his ex

if he was booking all these holidays when he’s meant to have the kids that would be cruel, it is the ex wife doing that

Just to add, my (now) husband wouldn't be a husband if he hadn't put my feelings before his ex wife's and been weak in standing up to her. He would've been history.

How can you possibly know that? Maybe he's mature enough to realise that it's not about keeping score with his ex, it's about being the best parent he can be regardless of her actions.

agree their mum isn't putting them first by booking holidays during her time. That doesn't mean he shouldn't step up though. If anything it makes sense that he would want to prioritise them more to avoid them feeling sidelined.

Honestly OP, if you don't want to come second to your partner's children, split up and find someone who doesn't have kids (or perhaps someone with adult children). No good person puts a romantic relationship before their children.

@snoken

Umm yeah I know it's the accurate term, but it doesn't mean she is any lesser (like you are keen to insinuate). And how do you know whether OP lives with the kids 50% of the time or pays for the food shopping and bills, or how well she knows the step kids? She hasn't mentioned anything about that. You're very quick to jump to conclusions and have just decided to brand her as a lesser girlfriend. Shame on you

If both OP's kids and her DP's kids are teenagers, I can well imagine that during their respective custody time with their kids, they are not attempting to force teenagers to interact/blend, they're off doing their own thing with their kids.

So how would she get to know them, without treading into 'here are your new step siblings, tada, all play nicely now' territory!

And if they're not all teenagers, eg. hers are very much younger, again that's not appropriate so means each person spends their custody time with their kids separately, not trying to shove everyone together.

OP's right, damned if you do, damned if you don't!!

@mondaycando1 You have to have a serious discussion with him, offering a swap is reasonable IF you have no plans, but just accepting what his ex asks for without considering you is not.

I would also suggest he talks to his kids and re-iterates to them that he is ALWAYS there if THEY need him, but he will no longer be cancelling plans to pander to their mothers whims (assuming they are old enough). It is horribly unfair on the kids too, to be dumped off with the other parent whenever she fancies, they're getting old enough to have plans of their own now.

Because she has literally stated she barely knows his children and rarely sees them.

Perhaps read the thread for jumping on people who are discussing the information that is actually available.

I didn't insinuate anything. Just that she isn't his wife, his kids step-mum or his partner. OP has explained that they don't live together and see each other when they both don't have their kids so she doesn't know his kids really.

And yet, if boyfriend prioritised me instead of his kids then he would have been history. No way would I want to be with a man who didn't put his children first

As a family with 4 kids, I am unsure why it's an expectation that you would be having romantic getaways without organising childcare. It's certainly not something that would be happening in a married couple family. My husband and I have had one weekend away without DD or SD in the last 6 years. If you want to go on holiday then why don't you do what every other family does and take the children with you? That would be a good opportunity to get to know his children.