To call it a day with DP as his "ex" wife books yet ANOTHER holiday on one of her custody weekends and he just sucks it up.

[mondaycando1]

They have 50/50 custody, she has half the year to book holidays and yet in the 3 years we've been together, she must have booked half a dozen holidays that mean he's needed to have the kids on her time. He NEVER says no for fear of upsetting her.

Their divorce has dragged on for most of those 3 years (they've been separated 6+ years, she had an affair, still with the bloke as far as he knows) as he deferred to most of her demands and didn't fight them for fear of upsetting her.

He was really ill last month which meant we had to cancel the long awaited 5 day break we had booked (I also have 50/50 custody, same pattern, so 5 days is the most we can get away together, other stuff often gets in the way so this only happens a couple of times a year).

Just this morning, to celebrate him finally being able to push the button on the divorce final order today, we fathom out another weekend in 3 months time we can get away together. What happens this afternoon- she tells him she's booked a holiday that very same weekend we had free and could he have the DC? I totally swear she's done it out if spite because of the final order. Of course, so he doesn't upset her, he's agreed.

Fuming here.

On this occasion, just tell him you're going away without him.

Moving forward, he does either need to say 'no', walk about a different custody arrangement or agree that if he has DC to cover her break, she does the same for him.

That's one of the reasons I split with someone a few years ago.
He had no spine and I was beholden to his bloody ex.
Throw this one back.

The ex may well be. Isn't it great that their father isn't doing the same?

It isn't childcare, it is being a parent.

Time and again in MN, we read of dad's fobbing their kids off onto their mums, when the childrens' mum would have loved the extra weekend with them. The ex is offering the extra time to their dad, as she should. He is having them, as he should.

I definitely think it is very damaging g for childen for divorced parents to be involved in arguments or even heated discussions around trying to get the other one to take the children at a particular time

How awful got the children to know that neither parent wants them during that particular time. In the end if one parent is an arse, the other one has to roll with it well they so of they are a good parent anyway. Unfortunately that is not always compatible with being a good partner in their current Relationship. Only you op can decide if being with a good parent is enough to ofset him not being a great partner occasionally. If it isn't then leave but dont blame him for doing the right thing and it is the right thing for the childen anyway.

If you want to see it as ' he has no spine' because it makes it easier for you, go ahead but really he is just putting his children first by not arguing with his ex about having his own childen to stay and that is a valid choice

That is not him being 'spineless ' It is him chosing his childen over his partner. Of course she ( or you) are perfectly entitled to not to want a relationship like that but making it so he is in the wrong is pretty spineless in itself. It is getting angry at being hurt and being put second and looking for someone to blame for that. Then deciding that the blame lies with the person who is actually doing the right thing for the most vulnerable members of his.damily.

I am assuming his children are quite young, so there will be many more years of this only you know whether you can cope with that and what the relationship means to you.

You seem to think he is weak, putting ex wife before you, it’s probably not the case at all, he is probably just happy to have the children and doesn’t want to rock the boat tbh. He knows his ex’s behaviour better than you.

The problem isn't just him Op, he's afraid to say no to his ex but your ex won't make any changes for you. It's no good pretending this was ever going to be easy, when you both have DC 50/50 the amount of childfree time was always going to be pretty small. Only you can say if the good bits outweigh the bad

Maybe I've missed something but does anyone take the dc away ?

At no point did I criticise him for wanting to spend more time with his children - like I said I have the same 50/50 arrangement and it hurts like hell not having my DC more. In what is a crappy situation, I firmly believe kids shouldn't be messed around more.

Anyway, long chat with DP last night - turns out this holiday (hobby related) covers 2 weekends so she won't see her kids for the best part of 2 weeks - in their message exchange he shared with me, I was shocked to see at one point she blatantly uses the DC as pawns in her pleading with him to have them for this holiday. I think the crux of the issue here is his deterrence to her, which he sees as now is a problem he needs to sort.

It's not ok if she books holidays on the days you've said you're going to be away, or intend to be away. I would vocalise your plans way in advance even if you haven't booked anything.
Obviously she should be sticking to the schedule, but tbh I wouldn't consider it an issue to have my children more than expected, in fact I would prefer to have them as much as possible. If you're going away though, in future you should tell her to make other arrangements for the children.
It's annoying but not something I would leave someone for if it's the only issue.

You hardly know his kids? Not suggesting you become a ‘blended family’ (shudder) but surely if you’re in a relationship with this guy you’d at least make an effort in getting to know them.

If it was me I’d do the same. No way am I looking after the kids so my ex can go away with his new Mrs!

He can say No, She will have to find alternative arrangements

So take the kids on holiday with you? Parents who are still together don't get long weekends away and long holidays together without their kids.

You either accept the children or you don't.

If you are not interested in a step mum role, then yes you absolutely should split and move on. I don't think that's wrong, but I do think it's wrong to try and act like he's not a father. Whether or not his ex is unreasonable is neither here not there.

My ex did this to me for years and it played havoc with not only my life but the kids’ too.
I had solicitors involved, allsorts.
in the end health reasons meant he had to (largely) stick to a routine but it took around ten years to get to that point.
I feel your pain, I understand why your partner gives in, he probably just wants to give the kids stability. I wouldn’t say he’s wet per se, I don’t think I was wet but it was hard, life has so many challenges, I didn’t want to spend time battling with an ex.
maybe it’s for you to decide whether you want to stay in this relationship as it seems like the situation might not change anytime soon

Reply that actually that works out amazing as you're going on holiday (uk of course, no need for passports) so kids can come too, it'll be a fantastic chance for you to bond with them and you'll all have a great time.

She'll cancel her trip before you've even finished typing the passive aggressive kisses.

Exactly. The OP said

He was really ill last month which meant we had to cancel the long awaited 5 day break we had booked (I also have 50/50 custody, same pattern, so 5 days is the most we can get away together, other stuff often gets in the way so this only happens a couple of times a year).

I don't recall having any time away on our own without our son until he was well into his teens.

Because we have the same custody patterns there has not been much opportunity to get to know them! Likewise, him with my DC. There's nothing sinister here! Typical Mumsnet, damned if you introduce a new partner, damned if you don't 😄

You just seem to have the assumption that every one of his weekends “off” are yours and he should be able to act like a child free man.

Only a very, very small number of your weekends have actually been impacted by him having his children.

It’s so strange what so many women seem to look for in a man with kids and spending anything other than the bare minimum of time with them is “weak”.

Look at it another way, how utterly awful it would feel for the children if they knew neither parent wanted them at a weekend

My ex is constantly doing this and my view is that it is important for my children to have one stable home where they are always wanted.

Why are you mad at the ex? she owes you nothing. Direct your anger at your spineless DH.

This. It’s the same for all parents, together or not. When you have children, they shouldn’t be optional.

I don’t get all the anger about this OP. A decent dad will choose his children over your frustration. If you think he should side with you, then yes, you should leave - for the sake of the children.

I’m in a similar situation to your DP. Although my ex (who I am divorced from) & I have more like a 60/40 split.

He goes on holiday over his time multiple times a year. Without someone having the DC he couldn’t have a full week (or more). I don’t think I’m weak for agreeing to this. The difference is that if I do have plans one of the evenings then he’ll get his parents to look after the DC so I don’t miss out.

It does impact my relationship (that is a similar length & similar situation re non blending of teens) but he is understanding & we work round it.

I think at least part of the problem is that your ex won’t switch. If he would it sounds like it would be less of a problem.

What I do, which may help in your situation, is that I have a shared calendar on an app where I put in dates I’m going to be away (even if it’s on his time with the kids). Then he knows that he can’t ask me to have them. It means we can plan in advance. If it impacts time I’m meant to have them then of course I check first.

If you had something booked then your DP should have said no but I can understand him saying yes to his ex if you were still in the planning phases. I do have sympathy as I’m sure it’s annoying. I feel it would be less annoying if your previous break hadn’t been cancelled but that wasn’t ex’s DPs fault.

Saying all that I know it’s incredibly hard making the sort of relationship work that we have. I wouldn’t blame you for having doubts.

Again, this. What is with some of the people on this thread? I hope you don’t all have children. My child would always be welcome with me, whatever the other parent was “playing at”.

Don’t punish the children for the ex’s behaviour.

Or why does this shit mother want to have her kids even less than the 50% she does currently
why doesn’t she take them with her?