Bit early, but AIBU for not wanting two nights at in-laws over Christmas?

[BitTooEarlyForXmas]

I know it's a bit early but this sparked a huge argument last night so here I am.

DH and I met while we were at uni 15 years ago, we were on and off throughout the years as we moved around different continents for work and distance didn't really work for us.

He changed industries last year, I transitioned to a national role instead of a global role, and we finally decided to get married, buy a house, and move in together. His parents live an hour away from us, mine live in New Zealand so they're not really relevant to this problem we have.

Yesterday I learnt that he expects us to go stay at his parents house for 2 nights (as per their tradition) this Christmas!

They have 1 bathroom in their entire house.

His parents are lovely (to him) but his mum can be a bit much.

When she first brought it up in passing (I thought it was just a request then and didn't know that DH was serious about the arrangement), she even said 'I don't know what you guys do in New Zealand but this is how we do it in England'. It just rubs me the wrong way and has compounded since then. Doesn't help that her whole personality is that she's 'nice' and that she's 'just being a mother'.

AIBU to not want to stay over for 2 nights? I don't mind day visits but 2 nights esp when all 4 of us have to share a bathroom is really a bit more than I'd feel comfortable with.

Once OP starts this it’s gonna be hard to stop. I would say no and go for the day.
start as you mean to go on. It’ll be harder when you have kids so start with boundaries now.

Oh my god, girl run. Run for the hills!!

Divorce this man and do NOT have a baby with him! You'll have her in the delivery room and moving in with you for 6 months to "help" by holding the baby while you crack on with more important things like cleaning the house and cooking and bringing her cups of tea!

Do a compromise - give your DH a couple of options, now you are married the new traditions are one of the following:

1. One night staying over not two.
2. Two nights staying near in a hotel or AirBNB
3. It’s a strict alternating Christmas choice - your DH gets this year (he can choose his family’s 2-day thing but every other year it’s your choice and that might be doing something completely just the two of you, or with your family. But you only do his family thing every other year.

It's fair to try it and give what DH wants a really genuine chance.

You might like it.
Aim to know where to go for a walk. When you need an hour to yourselves take a walk, go collect milk etc. Go to the cinema as a date (usually nice toilets).
Take a couple of dishes that you enjoy eating at Christmas.

Tweak the time so that you do actually enjoy it.
There will be times when you will be in NZ with your family and your DH will follow your example and embrace your family.

I always forget what mimosas are. I keep thinking they’re like a samosa and my fat arse was thinking about lying around nibbling on spicy pastries all day 😂

Sorry, not the point of the thread 😂🫣

@Ponoka7 "The book would be irrelevant. Most white settler's, Christmas won't have much to do with Māori heritage and it's patronising to think because MIL is older, she doesn't already know all she needs to about it. Hana-Rawhiti Kareariki Maipi-Clarke, doing the Haka in parliament sparked interest in what was going on. I'm probably MIL's age, yet recommended the film, the Nightingale 2018, on another thread."

????? What does HRMC have to do with the price of fish?

Thing is as a couple with no kids you could do this any weekend day of the year?

Why don’t you compromise with one night with them. Or alternate it so you have one Christmas where you stay over and another Christmas where you don’t see them.

Well it’s 2 nights not 2 weeks so I’m pretty sure you can deal with it.

I would say that if you do it this year it will be much harder to get out of it next year

I think your parents being in NZ is highly relevant because what would your in-laws be expecting if they were in the UK?
Would your parents even get a "turn" of spending time with you at Xmas?

Your DH should be doing what makes YOU happy.

What would they do if you ever have childrem where at some point early in their lives you realise the kids are better off staying at home with their presents and you invite the grandparents to yours.

Not assuming you would have kids, just throwing that out there as a situation where a lot of families decide to stay at home.

No 2 nights it’s too much if you don’t want to. He can stay there while you come back?

No they need a united front or it will get harder with kids.
Also her returning him not will involve taking 2 cars, and not even sharing the journey together.

I think your real problem is with your MIL and the assumption you will just fall into line. You need to discuss this properly with your dear husband. Travel at Christmas is usually a nightmare so day trips make less sense- one bathroom between 4 is normal (and not unusual in NZ I think), I think you are just trying to think of reasons not to stay, which don't involve you saying you don't want to stay.
The truth is you need to tell DH how you feel about his Mum's comments and that you don't want to stay- making up problems is just cowardly.

The bathroom is a side issue.
Bottom line, Op doesn't want to stay, they don't drink so that's not even a reason to stay.
I totally get it, they are a young married couple, need some privacy.

Did the ILs always have 2 days with other family when they were newly married?

They are only an hour away. No reason at all to stay over especially as there's only one bathroom (I don't like sharing a bathroom either unless it's unavoidable).
You and DH can create your own traditions. There's certainly no 'this is how we do it in England'!

It sounds like you have different attitudes to family. He’s close to his family, while you aren’t close to yours. He loves his family and want them to be a part of his life while you don’t. You just have to find a way to compromise where both of you are happy.

Because she was all over the News and Social Media. There's a strange view of older people on here. Like we need informing about things from younger relatives. You couldn't scroll without HRMC showing up. So the MIL doesn't need a book. The OP isn't Māori, so that's irrelevant. It is our cultural norm to fit relatives in over the Christmas season. As it us across Europe. If not pure Māori, then the OP's parents will be European descent. Distance stops them wanting to see here. I was answering a specific post. I should have just written, 'don't be so fucking patronising to everyone over 60'.

It customary to fit relatives in over Christmas.
Its not customary to have one side completely dominate a couples or young families Christmas.

Staying from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day, is a bit much, different if your travelling for hours to get there but an hour each way is nothing, People travel that (and more) for a daily commute.

That's fine. But the OP's DH has the right to want one night in his Parents over Christmas without being branded emeshed. They've done their own thing for years and he's gone there. A lot of people stay with family over Christmas, because they like a drink and would be paying at least high, double figures, for a taxi home. He can't insist she goes, but likewise she can't insist he never stays at his parents. So she has to compromise. Posters are saying she doesn't, but she does, as anyone in a couple has to. I don't see my adult children past Christmas Eve and I've spent Christmases alone, because my partner went to his Mum's. One side of the couple doesn't get to dictate.

I'm not wild about sharing bathrooms with anyone other than my DH but when I know that I am going to have to do so I pack a small bottle of bathroom cleaner and a microfibre cloth in my bag

And you call the OP precious!

People on MN are so OTT about this stuff!

when I know that I am going to have to do so I pack a small bottle of bathroom cleaner and a microfibre cloth in my bag

OK, I've heard everything now.

It's not precious to want to both take a bath in a clean bath and to leave the bath clean for the next person. You never know when staying with other people what their standards are.