Bit early, but AIBU for not wanting two nights at in-laws over Christmas?

[BitTooEarlyForXmas]

I know it's a bit early but this sparked a huge argument last night so here I am.

DH and I met while we were at uni 15 years ago, we were on and off throughout the years as we moved around different continents for work and distance didn't really work for us.

He changed industries last year, I transitioned to a national role instead of a global role, and we finally decided to get married, buy a house, and move in together. His parents live an hour away from us, mine live in New Zealand so they're not really relevant to this problem we have.

Yesterday I learnt that he expects us to go stay at his parents house for 2 nights (as per their tradition) this Christmas!

They have 1 bathroom in their entire house.

His parents are lovely (to him) but his mum can be a bit much.

When she first brought it up in passing (I thought it was just a request then and didn't know that DH was serious about the arrangement), she even said 'I don't know what you guys do in New Zealand but this is how we do it in England'. It just rubs me the wrong way and has compounded since then. Doesn't help that her whole personality is that she's 'nice' and that she's 'just being a mother'.

AIBU to not want to stay over for 2 nights? I don't mind day visits but 2 nights esp when all 4 of us have to share a bathroom is really a bit more than I'd feel comfortable with.

cue a few years later when you have kids and write to mumsnet about your I laws not helping with childcare.

🥱🥱🥱

I don't think you should agree to 2 nights - you've no idea how they do Christmas and may end up feeling trapped in your MILs perfect Christmas movie. I imagine it could get boring with lots of stilted conversations.

Could you compromise on one night, arrive for lunch and leave after breakfast the next day. And make sure your husband knows this is a trial, you are not committing to spending every Christmas with them.

I thought you could be a bit more lenient about Christmas... however if you are not drinking and willing to drive then I don't think they can complain if you join them late morning on Christmas day and drive home in the evening.

The birthday situation sounds like a total wind up. And the shopping! Your DH needs to say no when you have plans for just the 2 of you - and it needs to come from him so you're not the bad guy.

If he doesn't understand ask him how he would feel if your mum or dad was there for every day out you went on.

Oh dear, you’ve married a mummy’s boy.

Get out while you can!

To me it sounds like the problem is your husband and mother in law rather than staying two nights at Christmas. If you really got on it wouldn’t be a problem that there’s only one bathroom, their company would be worth it.

Your husband panders to his mum. She’s interfering- I’d be baffled if my MIL wanted to organise something on my actual birthday. I’d be worried about your life revolving around them, especially with your parents so far away- it’s not like you can make a point to spend equal time with yours. It’s also quite clear that your husband is going to side with your MIL every time -a third wheel in a marriage. Imagine having kids in the picture too, I’d be very very wary. Normally I always think a person isn’t their family but when they are always going to side with them… its tricky.

Go along with it but put your foot down next year

two nights is nothing over xmas. It will
fly by

Yikes, sounds like nightmare you need to nip in the bud with some very clear boundaries 😬 My Ex-MIL birthday is the day after mine so every single birthday, including my 30th, was spent there for 12 years.

We also got married in their village 200km away from where we lived because she didn't feel comfortable travelling. And also expected me to travel a week after having a c-section instead of coming to us. She wasn't even overbearing but it was just always a given that every single occassion was going to be spent there, his, brother's, mum, dad, grandma birthday, plus Easter and Christmas. I asked to spend one Christmas with my family together and he said no, my parents are getting old. 😆My family not aging, of course.

Been separated 5 years now and I would never put up with another man putting his own convenience before me constantly and that's what I think it was really - being waited on by his mum, her cooking, me cleaning up/cooking while he could sit around.

There are around 3.4 billion people in the world who do not have any toilet at all.

Or they could do it the other way, say no to any of it this year and do the full 2 days next year.
Does it need to be in a specific order and if so, why?

I think you are being a bit grumpy. Your DH wants to go. Stay one night. I do think other people's families are the weirdest thing about a relationship but compromising for your partner is part of it. However I would have a stern word about things like your birthday and him being on your side. I think it's harder because he doesn't have yo really do any of this for you as your family are in NZ.

Have you RTFT? or even the OP's posts?

Do you not get that its all the same problem?

If it was a woman wanting to continue the family tradition of being with her parents over Christmas, would you still be talking about "apron strings"?

Exactly. No-one on Mumsnet would. Just as a women never gets called a 'mummy's girl' when she has a close and warm relationship with their mum.

Yes, you should put your foot down now. It's a long and difficult process, separating a man from his attachment to his parents, and especially his mother, but you need to start as you mean to go on

WTAF have I just read?

You have the perfect excuse “we want to spend Christmas in our new home”. You are going to have to get tough with your husband. You married him - not his mother! And she should have the sense to back off.
it sounds like he’s an only child and his mother doesn’t want to cut the umbilical cord. I’m really sorry you’re in this situation. My ex was also close to his mother and power struggles are bloody horrible, I also felt that I came second.
Im afraid you MUST start as you mean to go on. I have 3 kids and always knew to take a few steps back when they found partners. Don’t start something you find you can’t stop. Otherwise it’ll wreck your marriage. And, by the way, he shouldn’t spend his birthday with his mother anymore. He should be with you!

Unfortunately you married into this. You mainly have a DH problem.

I do think you are being a bit precious but if this is what you want, put your foot down now. It will be 100 times worse when you have kids.

Ha! I was so shocked by that second quote that I didn't read any further!

Nicely done, that poster! Now where's the embarrassed emoji? 😅

It's okay not to like the idea of sharing a bathroom (though I've never had more then one bathroom in my houses, so I can't help feeling that's really precious) but to make it the reason not to spend Christmas with the in-laws is ridiculous. You need to get over yourself (as, it seems, so quite a few other very spoiled people on this thread)

Read the OP posts first it works wonders

You have a husband problem. He wants to give in for the sake of peace with his mother, what about his wife?

Why? It's an hour and they'd be home with their own bed 🛌 and no getting dressed for breakfast.

The bathroom isn't the issue.
Its the over bareing MIL that's the issue and a DH who doesn't want to upset the apple cart.

They’re only a hour away, there is no need for 2 nights. I would compromise on one so I could have a drink but I’d be leaving early the next day, he can stay if he wants.
Next year book a week in a hot country.

Its even worse, neither of them drink. Absolutely no reason to stay over.

But i do agree, book to be elsewhere for next year

I don't think the bathroom is an issue for 4 people - we only had one bathroom until recently and hosted family for Christmas just fine. It might be worth sucking it up this year but suggesting to your husband that you go away next year and make sure your MIL knows that's the plan.

MIL is unreasonable. Traditions are what you do with your kids. They then have the right to make their own traditions when they grow up. Nip this in the bud with your DH and if you have kids watch out for MIL sticking her nose in!