Bit early, but AIBU for not wanting two nights at in-laws over Christmas?

[BitTooEarlyForXmas]

I know it's a bit early but this sparked a huge argument last night so here I am.

DH and I met while we were at uni 15 years ago, we were on and off throughout the years as we moved around different continents for work and distance didn't really work for us.

He changed industries last year, I transitioned to a national role instead of a global role, and we finally decided to get married, buy a house, and move in together. His parents live an hour away from us, mine live in New Zealand so they're not really relevant to this problem we have.

Yesterday I learnt that he expects us to go stay at his parents house for 2 nights (as per their tradition) this Christmas!

They have 1 bathroom in their entire house.

His parents are lovely (to him) but his mum can be a bit much.

When she first brought it up in passing (I thought it was just a request then and didn't know that DH was serious about the arrangement), she even said 'I don't know what you guys do in New Zealand but this is how we do it in England'. It just rubs me the wrong way and has compounded since then. Doesn't help that her whole personality is that she's 'nice' and that she's 'just being a mother'.

AIBU to not want to stay over for 2 nights? I don't mind day visits but 2 nights esp when all 4 of us have to share a bathroom is really a bit more than I'd feel comfortable with.

Yes, her MIL remark about "how we do it here " and the fawning over her DS does sound like making a point, MIL just wants her DS there, the Op is expected to tag along. The best advice I can give you @BitTooEarlyForXmas is too start as you mean to go on, don't let a two night stay become expected or it's much harder to change things later. I often only had 2 or 3 days off work for Christmas and didn't want to spend it all with family, his or mine, so we agreed Christmas Day was ours at home, we saw his DPs Christmas Eve and mine Boxing Day. There was some mithering from both sides but they got used to it and it became our tradition. The real problem for you is you have to get your DH onboard with the idea

DH thinks we should just do whatever makes her happy

This is the heart of the issue.

You need to find out how far he thinks this applies. When you have your first child, what you name it, where you go on holiday, where you live, where you spend every Christmas....

Compromise and do just one night stay or just do day trips over the festive season as they’re only an hour away

Not when you live only an hour away, it’s not!
MIL even thinking it’s on for her to expect a recently married couple to stay at hers for two whole nights (with little privacy) is absurd.
Christmas Day mid-morning to mid-evening is the most I’d commit to, and that shouldn’t be an expectation either.
It’s her keeping her son attached despite his now having a wife, and showing that wife which of her son’s obligations take precedence.

You don't drink, then no real reason to stay over.
I had been thinking staying over Christmas night might be a compromise if you both wanted a drink.

You're a young couple who might want to gift personal gifts 🎁 and do things that couples do under (but not under the roof of the in-laws or parents 😬)
I think I'd point that out to him.

The problem here is setting a precedence. They are insisting on this because "it's always been done." Well, that was before DH got married! Obviously things are going to have to change now that you are married, sharing a life, and may even eventually have kids. Your DH has to now be flexible. If he wanted to keep on doing things as he and his parents always did since he was a child without any room for negotiation or input from you then he should have stayed single.

Also, one hour away? No reason to spend the night. I can see when he was single, still playing the role of his parents' child. But even then, come on...

I think you might confused about how the word "we" works.

I agree with Thelder

Just do a day trip.

I have four kids and frequently when they were growing up they had sleep over etc. only ever had one bathroom lol. But you do not need to stay over 2 nights. That’s not a UK thing thats a their family thing. Can’t you have Christmas morning together at home, have a nice breakfast and drive over for the main meal. Maybe stay one night and leave the following day so back home for Boxing Day and time together?

The one time we did Christmas at his parents his mum just fawned over him the whole time, shot him down when he mentioned how someday he might enjoy living in NZ too, and was talking about how her sweet boy doesn't visit her that much cause he's SO busy (he visits her once a week, used to be 2-3 times before he got his current job)

You need to have this discussion now and agree how future visits are to be managed.
Personally I’d be looking at estate agents and extra few hours away!

I have four adult DC and DCiL. I go big on Christmas - I love to have all comers for as long as they can stay. My DM did the same. However the DC are adults with their own relationships/families and their own iLs to consider. This is a simiple fact of adult children and I’m just glad that they all make the effort to come over that holiday period even if it cannot always be on the key days. I’ve watched friends try the emotional blackmail route and it never ends dwell. It either causes relationship problems with their children or problems in their DC relationship - nobody wins. I’d rather my DC were happy and came out of love than duty.

I agree with compromise but compromise here could be going over for Christmas day and say, Boxing day afternoon or lunch. You are close enough that there is no need to be there overnight. Then if you find you enjoy it more than you expect maybe next year you will want to stay longer, if not then reduce the time. There is no compromise in “just do it this year” as its clear it will not be just this year.

I thought it'd be more 'us' once we got married and that our relationship would be prioritised but seems like that's not the case

One of the nuns who taught me would regularly say “girls, do not expect a man to change after marriage”. I’ve observed that to be true. You need to sort this out between you now, it will not change otherwise.

I wonder if you could talk to DH and make a compromise. Maybe over for ONE night. Or, go and stay for two nights this year on the condition that next year you stay home. Surely, after 15 years you and DH have created some of your own traditions? They should be honored as well. Or, if it suits both of you, could spend Christmas out of town to combine it a mini break? Just some possibilities.

From my experience. Make sure you get things straight this year before it becomes a traditional that you are included in as when you/if you have children this current tradition will be expected to continue. I know . It makes it so much harder to break. We alternate years between families and it's usually a week there, my son has never had a Christmas at home and my daughter had one during COVID when Christmas wasn't allowed to be shared . I hate it. But we're so far in now that it even harder to change

He needs to cut the apron strings. If not, your relationship is doomed.

I agree I’d hate sharing one bathroom between 4 , yuck the thought of going in for a shower after someone had pooped ! I’m a little confused how you’ve been on and off for 15 years and you didn’t know this was his tradition though. But you’re married now tell him you want your own traditions ! You’re not even a long distance so easy to go home , I like my own space , bed and bathroom and don’t like staying elsewhere overnight u less completely necessary! I really don’t see the problem of going for the whole day and driving home …. And since you are newly married don’t start off with being dictated to and letting the mil set precedent

Don’t allow your MIL to set a precedence. It will soon become a ‘tradition’. Imagine when you have children, are they never to have Christmas in their own home?
When DH + I got together, my IL, particularly FIL, were quite domineering and it was just assumed that we would spend Christmas (ie Christmas Eve to Boxing Day) with them. For a variety of reasons, this wasn’t going to happen. Told them we would visit on Boxing Day.
When children came along, we always had Christmas Day at home with them and DH is grateful that I stood my ground.
Over the years our family situation has changed but we were still expected to go to IL on Boxing Day.
One year I decided that we were going to host Boxing Day and invite my family as well. IL refused to come as FIL likes to drink. Since then we spend alternate Boxing Day With them. Welcome to come to ours but they won’t.
Set your boundaries right at beginning and don’t let ‘traditions’ creep in.

Unless they all went to stay with your DH's grandparents for two days then this is a tradition she made up for her immediate family. Ask your DH why you are not entitled to do the same and create your own immediate family traditions. If he says he must do as he is told to keep the peace ask him where peace is more important to him at home or at his mothers because you can, if necessary be as big an arsehole as she is.

I would compromise this year and stay one night, leave him there if he really can't stand up to her. But I would make it very clear that if she wants him to have a normal life with his immediate his immediate family, especially once you have children, she needs to accept her traditions aren't his priority anymore and visiting his parents will have to fit in around his wife and children.

As early as it is I would get all this said now so you all know where you stand.

Is there more to it? I think if this is all you have against going, it's pretty poor not to indulge your DH every other year. I would be clear, though, that you expect to be able to dictate what you do for Christmas as often as he does.

Agree with the majority here, drive home in the evening. He's not 6 and understands that Christmas might be different as a grown up. If he's not even prepared to compromise, e.g. one night only, he's not seeing you as an equal.

I fell into going to my in-laws for every occassion for 12 years with my ExH, my family being in the UK and us in Germany. For the same reasons as your DH, it's exactly what he wanted and even when we had our son, he still insisted on it.

"I thought it'd be more 'us' once we got married and that our relationship would be prioritised but seems like that's not the case"

OP why on earth would you think this?

You have to set this one from the get go. MIL is being very silly. She is creating an issue where none need apply. And her son and your husband is caught between a rock and a hard place.

You live one hour away. You go home. Even if he stays.

If you are only an hour away I’m not sure why you would need to stay at their house? What is it that they do whilst he’s there that makes it a day and night thing?

I’d put my foot down on principle if I were you as it seems the only person who’s expected to compromise is you.
the earlier you start drawing lines the easier your life will be in the future especially when/ if kids come along.
the one bathroom thing- for some people it’s ok and for some isn’t. And that’s ok. Just because is acceptable to the majority doesn’t mean you can’t feel a certain way about it.

Why wouldn’t she?

Book a cheap hotel or an air bnb right near his parents so you have your privacy and bathroom but can stay at the inlaws for the full days.

When you get married, you're leaving your family to start your own. Therefore you make your own traditions and it no longer is to do with your mother and father. Of course see them but it's no longer up to them to decide what you do. Also you said it was a tradition every year since his birth but then said you've spent Christmases in NZ?