Bit early, but AIBU for not wanting two nights at in-laws over Christmas?

[BitTooEarlyForXmas]

I know it's a bit early but this sparked a huge argument last night so here I am.

DH and I met while we were at uni 15 years ago, we were on and off throughout the years as we moved around different continents for work and distance didn't really work for us.

He changed industries last year, I transitioned to a national role instead of a global role, and we finally decided to get married, buy a house, and move in together. His parents live an hour away from us, mine live in New Zealand so they're not really relevant to this problem we have.

Yesterday I learnt that he expects us to go stay at his parents house for 2 nights (as per their tradition) this Christmas!

They have 1 bathroom in their entire house.

His parents are lovely (to him) but his mum can be a bit much.

When she first brought it up in passing (I thought it was just a request then and didn't know that DH was serious about the arrangement), she even said 'I don't know what you guys do in New Zealand but this is how we do it in England'. It just rubs me the wrong way and has compounded since then. Doesn't help that her whole personality is that she's 'nice' and that she's 'just being a mother'.

AIBU to not want to stay over for 2 nights? I don't mind day visits but 2 nights esp when all 4 of us have to share a bathroom is really a bit more than I'd feel comfortable with.

I think you need to compromise and do Xmas his way and your way on alternate years , you’re married now you need to build your own traditions . You might enjoy it too!

Suck it up & spend at least 1 night with the in laws. But I would be getting MIL a book on New Zealand history, including Māori heritage, to answer any her ‘I don’t know what you do in New Zealand but here in England….’ statements.

Obviously that is not the only reason and why should she have to stay with them when again there is no reason to.

No one has yet to explain why it is reasonable for OP to stay over two nights when she lived an hour drive away and she could drive over and come back vs staying overnight.

Why is OP unreasonable but not the MIL expecting OP and her son to stay overnight 2 nights?

It’s not selfish not to want to sleep over someone’s home and have to share a bathroom with three other people when your own home and comforts are close by especially when it’s people you have an off relationship with.

.

In fairness I would think “apron strings” for both, and I would have sympathy for the guy that had the decisions made for him about what he would be doing and when. Luckily for me both mine and my partner’s parents understand that they had 35 years of christmases with their children and would never try and dictate what we did, and my dad actively encourages me to spend the time with my own family as he is a strong believer in that being the right thing to do. He could very easily say “well you spent every Christmas with me until you were 35 so that’s what we do in our family and we will continue to do it”, but thankfully he’s a normal human being and those words would never come out of his mouth. If so there is no doubt that he would be the spoilt and precious one in that situation and my partner would be perfectly justified in saying that he didn’t want to do that.

Having read your last update Op this is more than a Christmas problem, your MIL saying your DH used to take her everywhere with him is at the heart of this. His DM thought now he was back in the UK she'd see him all the time, she's sees him once a week but she wants more even if it means gatecrashing your days out.
It might be a good idea to invite her out yourself, just the two of you so you could talk, obviously if she says no unless her DS comes with you then you know where you stand.

Why not get taxis?

The thing is that with OPs family living in NZ it can become very swallowed up with his family.

A domineering family of inlaws can assume entitlement to your time at a level that you simply have no wish to allow.

OP has developed a life of her own I assume and has married this man.
She may not want to suddenly feel this group of people that she likes, but who are certainly not family to her, feeling like they can dictate her time.

Yes she is married to him, but she may not have realised this would become an issue OR he may simply have hid this from her.

THAT is why she needs to start as she means to go.

The alternative is unthinkable IMO.
Her family living the other side of the world and his family expect to be dictating to her about all festive occasions going forward.

Because not drinking is easier?
And cheaper.
And more flexible.
(OP has said in a followup they don't drink anyway).

Hour long taxi at Christmas ££££
They don't drink so why use a taxi.

Why?
If they want some sex they are hardly going to do it with his parents in the next room.

Sorry to be blunt but bathrooms, and tradition is only a part of it. Privacy is a massive part of what's going on

You said 'DH thinks we should just do whatever makes her happy.'

I have not read the full thread, but as we say here on MN, you have a DH problem. This is not about her, it is about how he prioritises her over you.

If he is keeping her happy for a comfortable life, then the solution is for you to dig your heels in and make his life extremely uncomfortable if he does not prioritise you.
Spell it out to him: you are his wife, so now he has to put you first. If he fails to do so, tell him that the marriage will not last. This is not an idle threat - no marriage can survive a man continually putting his mother before his wife.

Never concern yourself about feeling you are being "rude" to her. She is the one being rude by trying to impose herself and get her own way, so it is not rude to stand up to her.

e.g. for occasions like the surprise BBQ, if it happens again, just don't go, and don't engage with her - let DH relay the message that you are not going.
Then if DH goes without you, have an almighty flaming row when he gets back and make his life hell. Repeat the message that he has to put you first. He might choose differently next time.

Time to start a new tradition.

The book would be irrelevant. Most white settler's, Christmas won't have much to do with Māori heritage and it's patronising to think because MIL is older, she doesn't already know all she needs to about it. Hana-Rawhiti Kareariki Maipi-Clarke, doing the Haka in parliament sparked interest in what was going on. I'm probably MIL's age, yet recommended the film, the Nightingale 2018, on another thread.
Only on MN is a man emeshed with his Mother if he wants the odd Christmas with her.
@BitTooEarlyForXmas you have a honest conversation with him. Being in a couple means compromise. You set out not wanting every Christmas with them and go from there. They aren't likely to add another bathroom, so that's were you need to compromise, or forgo spending the odd Christmas with your DP. You got with him knowing he was close to his family. The other things are on you not being forceful enough. Tbf, MIL is right, the majority of people try to have at least one Christmas out of three, with their parents, unless there are relationship issues/disfunction/toxicity etc. It can be Christmas Eve or Boxing day.

This