Bit early, but AIBU for not wanting two nights at in-laws over Christmas?

[BitTooEarlyForXmas]

I know it's a bit early but this sparked a huge argument last night so here I am.

DH and I met while we were at uni 15 years ago, we were on and off throughout the years as we moved around different continents for work and distance didn't really work for us.

He changed industries last year, I transitioned to a national role instead of a global role, and we finally decided to get married, buy a house, and move in together. His parents live an hour away from us, mine live in New Zealand so they're not really relevant to this problem we have.

Yesterday I learnt that he expects us to go stay at his parents house for 2 nights (as per their tradition) this Christmas!

They have 1 bathroom in their entire house.

His parents are lovely (to him) but his mum can be a bit much.

When she first brought it up in passing (I thought it was just a request then and didn't know that DH was serious about the arrangement), she even said 'I don't know what you guys do in New Zealand but this is how we do it in England'. It just rubs me the wrong way and has compounded since then. Doesn't help that her whole personality is that she's 'nice' and that she's 'just being a mother'.

AIBU to not want to stay over for 2 nights? I don't mind day visits but 2 nights esp when all 4 of us have to share a bathroom is really a bit more than I'd feel comfortable with.

because if the "Us" hasn't started well before marriage, why would it start after?

I am not English OP, my husband is. We have been married 10 years and together for 14. We do 3 days with his mum every year. My brother in law who lives in Miami flies in with his family too. We do have more than one bathroom though :)
I go ahead with it as it’s their tradition and I hope one day my kids would come home too for Christmas with their families. DH mum is older than my folks so gets Christmas! (My parents who live abroad are always invited) but my sister married an American who is an old child and has no parents so they always have her family at Christmas. As a Hindu we go home for Diwali instead which is usually November time. That’s how we split our time…what would you rather do a Christmas? Just you and DH at home?

"they have 1 bedroom in their entire house" 🤣🤣🤣 sorry I couldn't read much past this!

Ever heard of sarcasm & irony ?

Put your glasses on.
Old English houses can be very primitive with just one bathroom.

Right!!! Don't some people realise how ridiculous that sounds.. one bathroom! 😂

You could stay one night, and shower before you go if you really don’t like sharing (then go without a shower until you get home on day 2)

I don’t think you’re unreasonable not to want to stay, but a bit of compromise to make others happy could be a nice thing to do?

You are married now, you start your own traditions. So no, if you don’t want to stay over, don’t. One day would be fine in my book too. Don’t get bulldozed into doing something you don’t want to at Christmas or get guilted.
Stand firm, your MIL is being pushy and just needs to learn where the line is. Start as you mean to go with this relationship with her, as once you have kids, she will only get more pushy.

I fell into going to my in-laws for every occassion for 12 years with my ExH

I'm so scared this is going to be my life too. 100% without fail he spends his birthday at his parents, fine. When it was my birthday this year I told DH I wanted something nice and quiet. Really just wanted to sit home with DH, go out to a cafe for brunch, and get back to sitting at home to watch a movie or something. Mid-afternoon he gets a call from his mum telling us that we have to go over for a surprise BBQ!

The gesture is nice and all but ffs. At the BBQ she asked us what our Sunday plans were, DH said we were going into London to do some shopping, she asked if she could come, DH looked at me and said it's up to her, I said I was thinking of it just being us two as there's lots of personal things I'd like to buy, she said but I don't get to see you two all the time, and then something about how she would just follow along quietly and that DH used to bring her everywhere and please let her spend time with us.

I'm an idiot and said yes and another Sunday was ruined because she monopolised the whole trip. Walked through a shop and I'd hear DH name being called a hundred times because she wanted to show him every bloody thing. Bought us some rugs while I was in the changing rooms and now we have to be grateful for the generosity even though I didn't want the rugs.

Maybe I'm ungrateful but when it's the two of them I'm just third-wheeling it seems.

You sound so precious and intolerant.
cue a few years later when you have kids and write to mumsnet about your I laws not helping with childcare.

im sure if it were your family, you’d expect your husband to join in with the family tradition without much say.

2 nights is not forever, can’t you just do this for the man you’re supposed to love?

You said bedroom.

uh huh....its another thread where the problem is not the problem, the AIBU is the iceberg tip.

You have a DH problem, that you need to sort promptly or you’ll spend the rest of your days at her beck & call 🙈

Op you need to nip this in the bud now. It will only get worse.
your DP (and you) make your own traditions as you grow up together.
His DM is infantilising him and it will only stop when you both make it stop.
Christmas should be what you want as a couple and this can include families of origin but shouldn’t be dictated to by them. Driving up for the day or staying in a hotel is a good compromise. his DPs still get to spend Christmas with you but you get some time together too.

I wonder how she would feel if you both decided to try out life in New Zealand?

Look, you are seething at the thought of being smothered, cajoled, and let's face it coerced into doing things the "our" way. I don't blame you about that. Instinct tells you that you do not want to be ordered around and unfortunately your DH is enmeshed.

Sit down with DH. Lay out your stall, compromise with a reasonable agenda and if he still insists that you have to go, well you have your answer. I would be raging that a reasonable compromise might still result in DH not having my back in preference to mummy's whinging and neediness - or is it bullying?

The problem as others have hinted is more with your DH than with your MIL. Gotta sort that one out girl. Now and going forward.

Yeah I would be moving to NZ.

OMG run! Run like the wind. Your DH is totally enmeshed with his mother in a very unhealthy and quite creepy way. Is he an only child? What did he say about his mum monopolising your shopping trip after she invited herself?

Sharing a bathroom within your own home and with your own family is fine, sharing one bathroom within your mil and fil is akwuard and not nice. Especially when op clearly doesn’t like her in laws 🙈

I’m totally with you on this, plus no drama about each side of the family having the same time! We do Christmas Eve with one side, Boxing Day with the other and Christmas Day is all about being in comfy clothes all day, mimosas throughout, eating what we want, watching whatever we want on TV, and planning the day exactly how we like it!

Oh Lordy @BitTooEarlyForXmas your latest update is a shocker.
I think Xmas is the least of your worries.
You need to either move further away from your ILs than an hour away, or actually move to NZ.
And yes, as PPs have said, you do need to break this ‘tradition’ now. As it’s clear your DH doesn’t have the balls to upset his mother so you’re going to have to be the one to do it.

Agree to this now and this will be your Christmas until mil passes. Your feelings count as well.

I don’t understand why everyone always assumes that parents will be banging on their parents’ doors for childcare. My two children have never been babysat by family members, they’re in paid childcare and everything I do I do with them.

Also I can’t speak for the OP but I would never force my partner to uphold my parent’s traditions, it’s about compromise and doing what works for both of us as a new unit. We wouldn’t be spending overnight at Christmas at his parents house nor would we do it for mine.

Christmas Day is all about being in comfy clothes all day, mimosas throughout, eating what we want, watching whatever we want on TV, and planning the day exactly how we like it!

My dream

Not too early ..... to manage expectations, or to book into a nice hotel nearby!! If you're not staying under the same roof, can you tolerate 2 days there?

Give over.

There is no real reason for OP to sleep over at her in-laws for two nights when they live an hour away and why does MIL get to decide what OP does for Christmas? Why isn’t MIL precious for expecting OP to fall in line and celebrate how she wants with no consideration to OP whatsoever other than to make remarks how things are done in her mind?

Plenty of us would rather be in our own home, with our own things, sleeping in our own bed instead of in someone else’s home, family or not if we live as close as OP does to her in-laws.

Seriously, what is wrong with OP simply driving to them, staying for the entire day and then driving home (she doesn’t drink) and returning the next day?

MIL has time with her son like she obviously wants and OP can be in the comfort of her own home.

Really she has a DH problem because he is just doing whatever his mother wants when he doesn’t have to and there is a perfect compromise instead of letting MIL dictate things.