Bit early, but AIBU for not wanting two nights at in-laws over Christmas?

[BitTooEarlyForXmas]

I know it's a bit early but this sparked a huge argument last night so here I am.

DH and I met while we were at uni 15 years ago, we were on and off throughout the years as we moved around different continents for work and distance didn't really work for us.

He changed industries last year, I transitioned to a national role instead of a global role, and we finally decided to get married, buy a house, and move in together. His parents live an hour away from us, mine live in New Zealand so they're not really relevant to this problem we have.

Yesterday I learnt that he expects us to go stay at his parents house for 2 nights (as per their tradition) this Christmas!

They have 1 bathroom in their entire house.

His parents are lovely (to him) but his mum can be a bit much.

When she first brought it up in passing (I thought it was just a request then and didn't know that DH was serious about the arrangement), she even said 'I don't know what you guys do in New Zealand but this is how we do it in England'. It just rubs me the wrong way and has compounded since then. Doesn't help that her whole personality is that she's 'nice' and that she's 'just being a mother'.

AIBU to not want to stay over for 2 nights? I don't mind day visits but 2 nights esp when all 4 of us have to share a bathroom is really a bit more than I'd feel comfortable with.

I had this problem too, the difference being that I had family here as well, but my parents were spilt and I already went to them every alternate year.

So I was just honest. I said I loved them all, but I was starting my marital life now and we had to take everyones needs into account including ours. So we rotated it. We visited them every 4 years, once his parents, once my mum (I have siblings so she is never on her own), once my Dad and once a Christmas at home for us to create our own traditions in the hope we had our own kids.

That is when things got really difficult and we had to stand on our firm and changing boundaries just as you need to .

You are in a relationship with your partner and both of your needs must be discussed, considered and taken into account. He seems to want his cake and eat it and that is not how relationships work. There is room for a compromise here.

This is why Christmas stresses so many people. Being thrown into confined indoor spaces with relatives and in-laws that nobody particularly enjoys spending time with and lots of expectations. Took my DH & I years to stop all this nonsense with my difficult mother/family that would try and land on us, or his difficult father & brother. Finally we broke because of the stress and now have Christmas without them all and made our own traditions. This includes a nice quiet dog walk during the day, along with a quiet Christmas meal & a favourite film. Our grown up daughter also says she much prefers it as its far less stress, we’re not particularly close to either families due to us both having had difficult childhoods and Christmas day just brings back many bad memories of our time with our parents. However if my daughter wanted to do anything else with a friend or a partner, I would totally respect that. Its one day after all and we’re not religious so it means nothing in particular.

Say no. A day trip for Xmas lunch is fine.

I agree with you, Paris. Water rat sounds like she could be OP’s MIL. I visit my parents around 1pm Christmas Day and then leave around 6pm. Christmas morning is for my very young child!

I don't agree. "We will see you at lunchtime on the 26th and leave on the 27th" would be a better idea!

Well it seems like a good time for a discussion about how Christmas/ birthdays etc are going to work going forward. It can’t be all his way! Either you compromise and do one night , one day (so half way between 2 nights and a day visit) or you agree to alternate. It’s a good idea to sort this stuff out now

But being their Xmas morning also assumes you are helping mum with the dinner? Which is often what families do. Not just rock up at 2 ready to eat.

(and I am volunteering the husband for this help as his parents, not the op!)

I think this is whataboutery tbh, but if that really is the sticking point, op can offer to bring part of the meal which she can make at home before she drives over. Save oven/kitchen space that way too in a house which isn't very big from the sounds of it. My kitchen is tiny and making Christmas dinner would be fine except for finding space for everything, so something brought round cooked and ready would be much more helpful than an extra body in my small kitchen!

Op could probably even keep it hot for the length of a one hour drive

'This is what we do in England'....yep, I think that particular caveat does appear in the Magna Carta. 2 nights isn't that much, go late in the afternoon on the first day would be my advice. And it will mean you have it in your back pocket for next year, so you can leverage it to do something different. And yes....FAR TOO EARLY😂

Weird take. OP doesn't want to go to the in-laws. She doesn't have to. She can stay at home and enjoy her home comforts. No one is being punished in this scenario.

OP could always come early if MIL needs and wants help because again the OP and her DH live an hour away.

It was the "with her bathroom" which read as a bit passive aggressive to me. But tone is difficult to decipher in text so maybe you were being lovely and supportive?

They’re only an hour away so it does seem daft to stay over. I’d compromise and stay for one night. Two nights on top of each other, friends or family, is too much.

Your DH does need to recognise that he’s a married man now and doesn’t need to stick to childhood/single man traditions. Does he want to go? Will it just be the 4 of you for 2 days? That sounds pretty intense if it is!

I’d also hate sharing a bathroom with everyone. I just can’t go to the toilet in someone else’s house. I know that’s a ‘me’ problem. But I’d have to be heading off home just so I could go to the toilet!

If David Attenborough did a show about humankind I think he’d describe it as the older alpha female passive aggressively trying to dominate the new younger female that has joined the pack by saying ‘ this is what we usually do’ 😆

It's a view.

Yeah. I think it’s a good thing though otherwise the op will be steamrollered into doing what other people want all the time. We should be more selfish. Just like the op’s mil.

So much angst over a couple of days a year. If you really don’t want to go then don’t. I would advise not starting a bloody vendetta against his mother over this though. She’ll
be in your life a long time. Better to play the game a little;’it will pay dividends over the years.

How are you finding out after all these years that what his mother wants is more important than you?

Madness.
I wouldn't be staying over.
Tell him crack on and head home yourself.

I would be rethinking marriage to someone like that.

Start how you mean to go.
If you allow this to fly, this is your future.

Nearly unbelievable that he is pulling this shit now.

I know, right! Imagine wanting to spend a couple of days over Christmas with your parents. Ditch him now op. He’s clearly a monster!

"Over Christmas" is not the same as on Christmas day itself.

I'd refuse based on the "how we do it in England" comment alone, but I'm happy to be petty when I feel like it.

If they live an hour away and you feel uncomfortable staying there, just say no and drive for day visits. Say it's nothing to do with them, you just need your own space.

You mean the MIL since she is expecting her Christmas traditions to be priority and doesn’t seem to want to compromise.

There is no reason for OP to stay with them when they live an hour away.

I'd knock this on the head OP. You can have Christmas lunch with them, which is perfectly understandable and reasonable, but staying over will set a life time precedent. Your DH is married now and his mother's "traditions" must give way for new ones with his wife. That's the natural order of things.

I’d honestly start as you mean to go on & I say this as someone over 20 years down the line with a similar story. We’re both non contact with mil now.

we both did 1 Christmas with each set of parents & then had Christmas in our house & everyone was invited. We never went to them for Christmas dinner again & mil blamed me. To cut her nose off, she never ever came to us.

draw a line in the sand. If you just want to go for the day, do that. Or if you want to start a new married life tradition in your new home, do that & invite them. They’ll be in your home so you’ll feel more comfortable & she’ll have less control