Bit early, but AIBU for not wanting two nights at in-laws over Christmas?

[BitTooEarlyForXmas]

I know it's a bit early but this sparked a huge argument last night so here I am.

DH and I met while we were at uni 15 years ago, we were on and off throughout the years as we moved around different continents for work and distance didn't really work for us.

He changed industries last year, I transitioned to a national role instead of a global role, and we finally decided to get married, buy a house, and move in together. His parents live an hour away from us, mine live in New Zealand so they're not really relevant to this problem we have.

Yesterday I learnt that he expects us to go stay at his parents house for 2 nights (as per their tradition) this Christmas!

They have 1 bathroom in their entire house.

His parents are lovely (to him) but his mum can be a bit much.

When she first brought it up in passing (I thought it was just a request then and didn't know that DH was serious about the arrangement), she even said 'I don't know what you guys do in New Zealand but this is how we do it in England'. It just rubs me the wrong way and has compounded since then. Doesn't help that her whole personality is that she's 'nice' and that she's 'just being a mother'.

AIBU to not want to stay over for 2 nights? I don't mind day visits but 2 nights esp when all 4 of us have to share a bathroom is really a bit more than I'd feel comfortable with.

I wouldn’t do this. It’s your Christmas too. If he’s more worried about upsetting his mum than upsetting you, this is a DH problem.

He can’t make you sleep there. You need to think ahead as PP have pointed out. Break the cycle now.

You sleep over at your PILs to make them happy which is a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

I think the OP needs to try this version of Christmas in order to make a proper assessment of whether it has benefits for her relationship with her PILs. Not even trying seems very precious and immature. I agree that staying with PILs can be very discombobulating because the familiarity that your DH's family shares is an unknown culture and it's absolutely fine to take a favourite book with you and say that you need a quiet hour. Walks in the countryside are also a Christmas tradition in England (absolutely no-one ever could dispute that) and can provide necessary release from being inside with unfamiliar conversation and food. A Christmas Church service also allows a bit of respite - singing carols is quite uplifting!

It's two nights, you aren't moving in with them. I know it's old fashioned, but I think it's sometimes nice to do something that will make your partner happy, even if you're not that keen.

Only one bathroom isn't the best, but it's quite normal. You do sound very grand indeed, transitioning from your global role and all that, so it might be a useful grounding experience for you.

Ive never walked in the countryside at Christmas, as I live in London! 😀

But OP doesn’t want to, and it’s not something I would want to do. I get two days off work over Christmas. Spending these two days away from home would be unsettling and I wouldn’t feel rested by the time e I went back to work.

This is not at all how we do it in England. So don’t let that bs sway you. Some families might. Thousands of others will do it differently.

I would do it this year but make it very clear you want to make your Christmas traditions from next year. Stand your ground. Don’t be bullied.

He has a wife now. He should be more concerned about keeping you happy than his mum.

I’d stay over one night, probably Christmas night as it’s nice to just fully relax and not get in the car later on.

so my plans would be, a nice / fancy breakfast at home just the two of you. Open a gift if you do gifts.
drive to in laws for mid morning, do Christmas Day at theirs. Sleep over.
get up Boxing Day, again a nice breakfast, a walk, probably a late lunch and then home mid to late afternoon.

husband can stay over 2 nights if he wants to.

No way! Just go for the day one day and they can come to you the next.

“Only have 1 bathroom in the entire house.”

Yes. Obviously. Most houses only have bathroom regardless of the number of people. It really isn’t an issue.

It can be odd and extremely uncomfortable in someone else’s house, but I’m sure you’re well aware of that.

It's not clear what happened previous years? If this is a big tradition why hasn't it happened in the 15 years you have been together (on and off?).

I personally wouldn't want to stay either and would suggest a nearby hotel.

How can they have a tradition of ‘two nights’ when you’ve only just married? Do they mean, he always went home for two nights? If so maybe the difference is he now lives only an hour away.

However, until you’ve done it you don’t know. They may have a really lovely set of traditions that you’ll actually enjoy. I know people whose Christmas is really short- based around presents and effectively over when they’ve been done. They find the days of Christmas quite long. We have quite a lot on at Christmas, so you don’t ever get the lull when there’s nothing to do, and you’re bored and just want to go home. I wouldn’t want to spend two nights at my son’s friend’s home. They swap a present each, have a Chinese take away, and that’s it.

What about saying you can go this time but won’t be doing it every year. That sometimes you’ll want to go away at Christmas, for example.

I let him stay the night and drive myself home but I’m someone who hates sleeping another peoples houses unless they are far away.
I know this isn’t the immediate problem but in future will you be spending Christmas with your family? I wonder if there is an expectation to be with his family every year.

This ,he just wants to keep her happy. But your not happy.

Several things you can compromise for one /two night only and if you don't enjoy it you won't be doing the same next year.
Or a flat no it will be intolerable and drive home

This is a fascinating question OP, and I think couples have been struggling forever to deal with the shock of other families "doing Christmas differently".

Firstly what MIL is suggesting is culturally totally normal in this country. Although perhaps more normal when families live many hours drive away from each other and a day trip isn't possible. But in your case a day trip would definitely be possible - and that is also very much a normal approach when people live closer.

If your parents lived in the country (or even on this side of the world), the norm would probably be that you would see one set of parents/family on Xmas day one year and one the next year, and then each year you might see the non Xmas day parents before or after the 25th. But your parents being so far away does mean you have to be careful not to just be sucked into Christmases with PIL forever.

But you are also allowed to create your own traditions, and this becomes much easier once children come into the picture - as most people accept that the magic of Christmas is really for children.

For me and DP, both our families lived far apart for a while and so Christmas was a great excuse to all come back together. We generally alternated parents each year, then once having children we've stayed at home because they want to - and invited our parents to us! So new traditions being created.

But if you see your parents/family more regularly and live closer then it seems perfectly reasonable to not stay over for several days and just do a day trip.

Just book a hotel as a compromise, you'll get a spare bathroom and privacy and your dh spends extended time with his parents without doing a 2 hour round trip.

Also, when you visit your parents in New Zealand you can do the same and book a hotel so your dh doesn't feel overwhelmed by his in laws. This is absolutely necessary & only fair because you'll be staying longer than 2 nights.

It wouldn't cross my mind. I've done Christmas at my in laws, my sister and my mum and they all have one bathroom.

You’re not being unreasonable OP.

Your husband should have discussed this with you first before agreeing to this expectation from his needy mother.

I would be uncomfortable with staying this length of time, especially considering it’s only an hour away.

I would agree to a compromise, 1 night going there for Christmas Day meal and leaving after about lunchtime Boxing Day.

like someone above said, if you only get two days off over the Christmas period than this pretty much monopolises the Christmas break

Your husband sounds very inconsiderate

What does your husband want to do? Is he just doing this for his mum, or does it actually mean a lot to him too? Assuming he just has to either please his mum or please his wife is horrible.

Perhaps his family tradition is something he really hopes his wife might value. Staying over, waking the next day, is very different from the feeling of spending the day and then leaving after dinner.

I wanted to bring my husband (and later my kids) to my parents' home because our tradition as a family meant a lot to me. If he had refused to do that it would have been very sad- I would have gone by myself though, and left him to do his own thing. Fortunately, though Christmas meant almost nothing to him (Jewish atheist) he was very comfortable with my family and happy to share time (and a bathroom) with them.

Not an issue for you perhaps. But can other people have different feelings about it maybe?

What would be your Christmas plans if you didn’t see them?

Her sweeping statement about England is simply not true and would have rubbed me up the wrong way. It's quite usual if there is distance and alcohol involved, but neither apply here.

If it's traditional in her family, did she always stay at her In-Laws? It would be interesting to find out if your DH had grandparents around but didn't stay with them at Christmas.

I wouldn't want to stay either. We're 5 people with 3 full bathrooms (plus WC), and I have one of them to myself. For the sake of an hour I'd prefer to go back to my own bed, my own bathroom and not having to pack.

Compromise, make it one night. But definitely make it clear to DH that going forward, your lives are not going to revolve around what makes his mum happy. He's married now, so his wife comes first.

Presumably one year you'll be having a big trip to spend Xmas in NZ? Might as well prepare her for the fact that she won't always have everything exactly as she likes it.

Do not agree to this because your husband appears to be a "Mummies Boy" who will aim to please Mummy at every opportunity. Your life will be filled with pleasing Mummy if you don't set boundaries now

Quite how you didn't know this already is beyond me