AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my husband's constant monologuing?

[earsringing]

Anyone else deal with this? Hubby monologuing. Constantly, all day, every day.

It's a stream-of-consciousness - literally everything he is thinking, re-enacting entire conversations he has had (pretending to do the voice of the other person too), things he must remember tomorrow, various ailments, stupid drivers, how hot/cold he is, huffing, puffing, groaning, humming, whistling. It is incessant, repetitive, there are no gaps, and I realise that I plan my life around trying to get breaks from it.

He is always trying to get me to react too "what do you think of this?" "do you like that?" and I HAVE to agree with whatever it is. A quick "yes" or "ok" from me and he's back to it. It's like he's checking that I am still paying close attention.

Thing, is, I feel completely lost here. Everything is about him, his plans, his headache, his sunburn, his job. There isn't a moment for me. If I do speak, I can get roughly half a sentence out before he tells me "I know that already" or "that reminds me of a time when I .......", or how he's done it better or knows better ... and bam we are back to him again.

I might be peri - I might be over-sensitive? But I am forgetting who "I" am. I feel like I just don't matter anymore, because he is so great and wonderful and interesting and has done everything just far more brilliantly than anyone else. He has lost all sight of me being a person with my own thoughts and opinions (which - shock - might be different from his sometimes!). Arggghhhh. What can I do? I feel like I am going mad.

My OH does this - mutters under his breath about what task he's competing etc. I strongly suspect he has ADHD because of issues including struggling to focus, prioritising and becoming overwhelmed and so on. I think he finds it reassuring maybe? It is annoying though. I generally move to another room and let him get on with it!

I have ADHD and I monologue verbally. My brain swims with "stuff" at 100 miles an hour 24/7 and I need to get it out to process it.

BUT I have the self-awareness to know that it irritates the hell out of everyone else so I manage it. I value my relationships too much.

First step - encourage his self-awareness (i.e. sit him down and tell him straight) so he then has a choice. If he makes the wrong choice...well, that says it all.

😱 I would go insane. I’d have a pair of earbuds permanently in my ears ready to switch on (or leave).

You say you fantasize about leaving (and who can blame you) but if you told him to shut up there would be war. So, if you had the money and means to leave there wouldn't be war. I suppose he would accept that with good grace.

Thank you for starting this thread. I also realise I have been putting up with this for far too long.
I kept thinking about starting a MN thread but could never work out how to articulate it
This thread has helped me realise that it's unkind to DH if I don't let him know how much this behaviour makes me struggle to share a room/house with him

Honestly I am like this. It’s unmedicated ADHD and just wanting someone to talk to. I love conversing and I always get told I’m too much, something for me to work on but I am bad at shutting up. It really hurts me when someone says “god can you please stop????” Because of the RSD that comes with unmediated ADHD. Could it be the same with him?

I sometimes (not often enough) say to DS, 'You are talking at me not with me.'

DSis suddenly started monologuing about a year ago, which was very unlike her, completely ignoring any attempts to chip in with a comment, until I had to shout: 'Let me speak!' every time we spoke on the phone. It got really exhausting. Then DBro also shouted at her to let him speak and the penny dropped. She is back to her normal self now. Not sure what happened.

How would you feel if someone touched you gently on the arm, and said in a nice voice, 'Hey! My turn to speak, now, Clearlyy'?

Would that also be upsetting or would you be glad they hadn't endured the monolgue while getting increasingly agitated, but instead encouraged you to have a fairer exchange of conversation?

Thank you for this, I really needed it spelt out and I'm reassured I'm not like this...! That sounds maddening, you are very patient.

I'd literally get a sore throat if I spoke every thought out loud like that. I do do most of the talking when it's me and dh but only when I have something (slightly) interesting to say, not like literally a running commentary of me clicking on a website.

I was thinking about this overnight and my suggested solution...this is probably not a good solution for everyone depending on the ages of the chatterboxes in question. But I work as a teacher in a school and I'm literally talking nearly all day (and listening to my pupils ofc but I'm still doing the majority of the talking) and when I get home I'm quite subdued. In the summer holidays I've got a lot more to say to dh in the evenings because I haven't been at work.

What these chatty husbands need is a busy talkative job or volunteering. Say, in a school or charity shop or similar. Just chatting away all day then they'll be quiet when they get home.

How would you like people to deal with it so that you feel comfortable but their needs are met too?

My husband chats all day at work too. He doesn't WFH often but when he did during lockdown it was incessant

I'm not the person you've quoted but I have been shushed before as it were. I think the non-nice way to do it is making it personal using words like Always or Never - eg "youre always talking too much, you never let me get a word in" (hurtful, even if true). Instead the nice way is to make it instantaneous - eg "I'm concentrating on something else right now" or "can I tell you about my day now" or "I just need a bit of quiet time right now". Hopefully with enough repetition then op's dh will get the point, and if he doesn't, he's a bit slow to make connections and that's a problem in itself.

I also do this thing with both my dh and my dd (they're similar personalities) - I actually open with "can tell you about something I read today" and they're both very comfortable with responding honestly and I shut up if the answer is no.

If you can somehow set up a routine like that, it might help.

I just re-read the op though and it sounds like a lot of her dh's monologue is braggy which sounds a lot worse than the dh who's ordering socks

I’d much prefer a nicer way of course! I don’t realise I’m doing it. I just have so much to say. I’d much rather everyone has a chance at saying something and I really don’t like that I’m like that.

Exactly what you’ve said here. If I were talking too much I’d rather someone go “right we best get on then!” Or “I’m super busy”, or “my turn now?” Rather than making me feel like shit for just wanting to talk to my partner/friends. People have been speaking to me like that for years and I wouldn’t shout or snap at someone because I know how it feels. Treat others how you wanna be treated and all that. Literally all it needs is a conversation. I’ve had those conversations and am working on it so everyone feels included and listened to. I 100% agree with you.

Your actually building up quite a monologue on here @Kingdomofsleep

I'm not trying to be mean, really - just... are you aware how much you're posting about yourself on a thread about someone else's relationship?

Could you try recording him on the next random monologue. Then sit him down and play it back to him. Hopefully he may be able to hear himself cutting you off etc. I don't know - worth a try maybe?

What exactly do you mean by 'WW3'? Think it through, what exactly would likely happen if you challenged him?

Do you mean he would hit you?
That he would shout at you?
That he would burst into tears?

Once you have your answer, decide if you are afraid of that outcome.
Are you afraid of him?

Or do you just avoid 'unpleasantness' for a quiet life? Because you are not getting a quiet life, so perhaps you have nothing to lose by vigorously and emphatically challenging him to STFU. As often as necessary.

sounds like he may have ADHD

I agree with this. Why can't you tell him about what he is really like?

tell him he’s extremely boring and you’re thinking about leaving

Sometimes when dealing with a narcissist, it helps to predict their behaviour and show them you knew what they'd say in a very real way. It does their head in and I don't think they necessarily then sit and ponder their inner most foibles, but it did help me in just stopping my mum doing certain things, in her case always making anything negative.

For example, I was going to send me mum a picture of my son playing with his friend. His friend is a boy who has long hair. I KNEW she'd have a WhatsApp monologue about long hair on boys so I sent it, then typed out " you will react negatively to Arthur's long hair", screenshotted it and didn't send it. After her predicted tirade, I sent the screenshot and said I KNEW you'd say that l. She hated being seen lol.

I also do it in person. I'll type out on a notes app something similar "you will say something racist or you will say something negative" and then I politely sit through thr speech and then show her that. Really helped me , but isn't it sad I had to resort to such tactics.

Think it'd work on your husband? It's so predictable that he'd unleash WW3 BTW, so you're held hostage essentially: endure his monologues or suffer a blow up.

Hope that gave you a warm glow.

Also "I'm not trying to be mean", when you patently are, is frankly lazy. Insult with more panache next time.

Todays offering. Discussing a cocktail that contains Malibu I said oh it's rum then. There then follows a monologue from DH that it's not rum it's a coconut drink. Starting to doubt myself I checked. Yes it's white rum with a coconut flavouring.

🙄

He sounds either like he has a medical issue or has NPD (or both). Either way, if you don't love him, then you need a plan to make a break. 2nd job / overtime / promotion, anything to get that freedom.