AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my husband's constant monologuing?

[earsringing]

Anyone else deal with this? Hubby monologuing. Constantly, all day, every day.

It's a stream-of-consciousness - literally everything he is thinking, re-enacting entire conversations he has had (pretending to do the voice of the other person too), things he must remember tomorrow, various ailments, stupid drivers, how hot/cold he is, huffing, puffing, groaning, humming, whistling. It is incessant, repetitive, there are no gaps, and I realise that I plan my life around trying to get breaks from it.

He is always trying to get me to react too "what do you think of this?" "do you like that?" and I HAVE to agree with whatever it is. A quick "yes" or "ok" from me and he's back to it. It's like he's checking that I am still paying close attention.

Thing, is, I feel completely lost here. Everything is about him, his plans, his headache, his sunburn, his job. There isn't a moment for me. If I do speak, I can get roughly half a sentence out before he tells me "I know that already" or "that reminds me of a time when I .......", or how he's done it better or knows better ... and bam we are back to him again.

I might be peri - I might be over-sensitive? But I am forgetting who "I" am. I feel like I just don't matter anymore, because he is so great and wonderful and interesting and has done everything just far more brilliantly than anyone else. He has lost all sight of me being a person with my own thoughts and opinions (which - shock - might be different from his sometimes!). Arggghhhh. What can I do? I feel like I am going mad.

It sounds a bit like a compulsion-could he have OCD? Does it distress him or is he perfectly happy doing it?

Is he autistic? Regardless that would drive me bonkers. I could start by explaining this is not on, two way conversations etc your plan is to walk away if he starts or say this phrase etc and then every single time call him out on it. Walk away,don’t answer etc. If he is ND maybe harder ( but not impossible) to change and if not then absolutely should be able to stop that, sounds insufferable! I have a ND child like this and we are tackling this big time as I cannot have them enter adulthood like this, it’s improving! Ask him why he is doing it? If he starting listening to music in his ear pods or a podcast would it help?

My DH is like this, talks constantly, sighs, recounts conversations with others in minute detail. He is away tonight and the silence is golden. We do have a very good relationship so it hasn’t put me off him, but I am going to have to get him to rein it in.
i wish there was an app that could track the conversations for a while and give the share of speaking time as a percentage, like football possession stats. I honestly reckon it would be 90-10 or maybe 85-15.

I think you need to start planning to leave.

My dh does this sometimes. Thank god, not all the time though.

You have to make time for yourself. Figure out a strategy. See what works: non-confrontional (i need some quiet now, I'll listen to you in half an hour) to assertive ("I'll engage in a conversation, but i'm not going just sit and listen to you while you ignore me"). See what works. Hopefully he'll get the message when his instant gratification is gone.

Personally, i'd fuck off down the pub with the dog!

Oh @earsringing I feel you deeply!

I too wondered if it was my age, becoming less tolerant, etc.

I got rid. I know that sounds so incredibly cold.

I talked about it with him until blue in the face (when I could get a word in). I gave chances... And chances...

There is something so deeply sad about being with somebody, and feeling so lonely.

There were other issues, but feeling like I didn't matter, or what I had to say wasn't worth listening to, was a very big part of ending the relationship.

I agree with others, you need to shout how you're feeling. Give him the opportunity to consciously change for you. If he does, you will know he loves you deeply.

Best of luck.

He sounds awful op.

No way could I put up with that....

“Do other peoples husbands do this?”

No because its not normal. I would suspect he is ND. Either way he needs to be told to stfu.

You should have done it ages ago, but couples counselling is a must. You need to tell him some home truths and this is best done with a third person present. It has gone way too far and the only hope for the relationship is a complete reset. He needs to know that and SOON. Good luck you will need it.

Get a big, obvious pair of headphones and wear them often. Pretend you’re listening in to an important work call or that you’re listening to a podcast. Hopefully he’ll cease talking at you.

He’d have been under the patio years ago. Have you actually sat him down to tell him it’s too much/he has main character syndrome? I’d honestly want to kill him.

Stop answering his calls-you were busy/working/had your phone on silent. He shouldn’t be calling when driving.

What's wrong with getting right up close and shouting 'shut the fuck up' ?

I'm not even joking.

He needs telling.

Have you tried ignoring him? When he asks why you're not responding you need to tell him that you're bored of everything being about HIM! Or a good response to any question he has for you is to reply 'I'm fine by the way, but thanks for asking ' Failing that, just get up and leave the room without answering. Only tell him why you've left when he finally can be bothered to ask after you. After a while he will get the message.

No my DH doesn't do this - he sounds bloody awful OP, self absorbed & dull as fuck

is the reason you bluntly haven't told him to shut the fuck up yet because you're worried about his reaction?

He sounds like he has adhd. Get him to consider being assessed and medicated?

Was he one of those children who was so amazingly special he was allowed to interrupt adult conversations and constantly told how fascinating he was? They tend to grow up to be self indulgent bores with no self awareness.

Anyway - time to be blunt. Tell him to stop being self indulgent. End the call. Leave the room. Walk away. Interrupt. Say, ‘You’re doing it again. Zero Self-awareness.’

Otherwise, the more you sit there tolerating this the more will give you his own goddawful version of Ulysses every waking minute. He needs to know he’s a bore and that you are close to you calculating if you can leave.

This is the answer to most problems on here. STFU

I'm so glad I'm single and don't have to listen to men's pathetic wittering. Once the oestrogen is gone, you're free. Fly high OP 💪

He needs to get a life. I’m joking but not really.

I see the other posts that you can’t afford to leave etc. is it worth taking it to couples counselling through relate? I agree with the others, find yourself a hobby and get out the house a few nights a week - running the gym crafts dance etc. only you can make you happy and it will improve your tolerance of him in the short term and help you make a decision when you feel better in yourself x

Be less available. Headphones, book. When DH gets like this I point out I'm actually reading/listening to something. Ask about his day but with a time limit.
Or leave.

Have you tried saying "I don't give a fuck mate" and then wandering off to please yourself?

I had one of these briefly but my above suggestion quickly got rid.

My Dh is prone to this, his is autistic, but has managed in the last couple of years to pick up on my cues, but it’s still very difficult. I second running and also working from the library or a cafe. Literally stay away from the guy as much as possible until you’ve managed to get yourself sorted enough to leave.

Can you record one hour of it and insist on playing it back to him?
Say where is this a conversation - when do you stop talking about you.
Say I would prefer silence to this you can monologue for 1 hour then I am out of the room
Say do you not hear how fucking boring this is?

I’ve read so many posts like this over the years re husbands over 40. I wonder if it’s something that gets worse over time? I’ve noticed my almost 50 year old DH mostly talks about stuff related to him and often zones out when I speak. Some of it is down to ADHD but I do think men get more self absorbed the older they get…

Re the % point you might be interested in this

Knitting to show male councillors spoke more than women

Quite striking to how much they dominated

I honestly think you need to go to couples counselling.Then he has to listen.