AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my husband's constant monologuing?

[earsringing]

Anyone else deal with this? Hubby monologuing. Constantly, all day, every day.

It's a stream-of-consciousness - literally everything he is thinking, re-enacting entire conversations he has had (pretending to do the voice of the other person too), things he must remember tomorrow, various ailments, stupid drivers, how hot/cold he is, huffing, puffing, groaning, humming, whistling. It is incessant, repetitive, there are no gaps, and I realise that I plan my life around trying to get breaks from it.

He is always trying to get me to react too "what do you think of this?" "do you like that?" and I HAVE to agree with whatever it is. A quick "yes" or "ok" from me and he's back to it. It's like he's checking that I am still paying close attention.

Thing, is, I feel completely lost here. Everything is about him, his plans, his headache, his sunburn, his job. There isn't a moment for me. If I do speak, I can get roughly half a sentence out before he tells me "I know that already" or "that reminds me of a time when I .......", or how he's done it better or knows better ... and bam we are back to him again.

I might be peri - I might be over-sensitive? But I am forgetting who "I" am. I feel like I just don't matter anymore, because he is so great and wonderful and interesting and has done everything just far more brilliantly than anyone else. He has lost all sight of me being a person with my own thoughts and opinions (which - shock - might be different from his sometimes!). Arggghhhh. What can I do? I feel like I am going mad.

Oh my god, that would drive me insane!!

Does he work or have friends he can talk to... is he like this with them too? Is he neurodiverse?

Do whatever it takes to protect your sanity... Stop answering the phone for his driving calls, start listening to audio books (or pretending too!), start going out for long walks, interrupt him and ask him if he can remember the last time he asked you a question/ asked your opinion/ was curious to know what you think /realises he's constantly monologging?

My DH struggles with normal everyday conversations. It’s always a “story” or some cliche and he will tell the same story in exactly the same way over and over. He does have an interesting job but every thing he tells me is a practiced anecdote.

If I interrupt he will say huffily “can I finish my sentence” and I’ll tell him ( usually word for word) what he was going to say. Then he’ll get cross and complain he can’t talk at all. I then feel in the wrong as I’m being controlling and shutting him down.

I don’t say anything now, just look him in directly the eye until he says “ I’ve told you this before haven’t I”

My DH struggles with normal everyday conversations. It’s always a “story” or some cliche and he will tell the same story in exactly the same way over and over. He does have an interesting job but every thing he tells me is a practiced anecdote.

If I interrupt he will say huffily “can I finish my sentence” and I’ll tell him ( usually word for word) what he was going to say. Then he’ll get cross and complain he can’t talk at all. I then feel in the wrong as I’m being controlling and shutting him down.

I don’t say anything now, just look him in directly the eye until he says “ I’ve told you this before haven’t I”

If I am asked to remind dp of something I set an Alexa reminder then and there. I won’t be taking that mental load off him.
also I’ve started ‘forgetting’ to do things he has asked and saying ‘you didn’t remind me’. This has also helped a lot too.

@StrongPoison That was most interesting - may I say that I'm really impressed that you have such a snippet of information at your fingertips?

There is absolutely nothing suggestive of OCD here.

I had a boss like this, and as a PA I was pretty much obliged to listen to his hour long monologue phone calls. He was a nice guy, just kind of highly strung and needing to talk through the slightest thing concerning him, without any curiosity at all about the person he was speaking to. He has and his wife were both workaholics, and she wasn’t shy about telling him to STFU, so I guess monologuing to work colleagues (I wasn’t the only one, he’d do it to anyone who would tolerate it) was his solution.

There are two different issues here: his constant "thinking aloud" and his lack of respect for your opinions. You need to challenge him on both of them if you want to stay with him.

As regards the "monologuing", have you tried secretly recording him for, say, an hour, then playing it back to him? He might be shocked - perhaps he doesn’t realise that he’s thinking aloud all the time.

The other issue is not so easy as it’s about his whole attitude to you. You can only tell him how you feel and how he comes across, and point it out to him every time he does it.

Is this is a recent change? Some common psychiatric medications encourage verbosity & self-absorption.

Get yourself a pair of air pods and just crack on with whatever you have got to do with them in. My husband has them and they annoy the hell out of me because he's in a world of his own and often can't hear me calling him to meals but I can see how brilliant they would be for you in this situation.

Can you not just burst in to song/ start breakdancing/ just walk away?
If you don’t respond accordingly to his constant talking what does he do? Does he ask you if you are listening? Can you tell him, ‘no I’ve tuned you out’ ‘can you rest your voice?’ Or similar?
What would be the consequences for telling him to fucking give it a rest?

He's Nd and a total pain in the arse. Hope there are other redeeming features

I think I may have misinterpreted, when you said “monologuing” I thought you meant talking to himself. So going around narrating his life or speaking out his thoughts to no one in particular.

But now I think perhaps you mean he is talking to you, but in a self absorbed way where it’s all about him and his day and something that happened to him without giving you chance to participate in an equal conversation that you’re actually interested in? That sounds a little less bonkers I suppose 🤣

But ultimately it sounds like you don’t like this man, you’re not interested in him, or his day or the things he does. And it’s probably time to end the relationship, and that’s ok!

Unbearable. My dad was like this. DSis and I married men who barely say a word!

I think you need to tell him. Tell him he talks at you. Time him. Tell him he speaks without pause, all about himself for x minutes at a time, and you feel like you don;t exist.

I once pretended to faint to see if my dad would notice. he carried on talking for about ten minutes then glanced at me and pottered off into the kitchen to talk at my mum instead as 'Tonis seems to be resting right now.' Zero interest in my wellbeing or even consciousness!

I'm another who had a parent who did this monologuing. Absolutely horrible to be around. People avoided her, including her own family.

I would 100% agree with this apart from
the fact that it is a middle age phenomenon. My DH is a wonderful caring man, who is my rock and been and been at my side for 30 years. He hasn’t always been like that. This is just one aspect that we indulge to a degree, or thoroughly take the piss of when it gets too much. I do agree that women shouldn’t suffer in silence - if they can’t actually broach it - then that’s on them.

Invest in a pair of noise cancelling Airpods. These will become your best friend if you can’t leave. If he doesn’t like it, tough luck. Also you can make a tailor-made focus setting on your phone to keep his calls on silence or give you headspace for an hour or two. If he complains, say you need periods of peace as you’ve got older. Make clear, it’s non-negotiable.

Both of you wfh must feel suffocating 😩

Is he lonely?

I'm very similar where I can't stop talking (despite knowing I do) and I've realised I'm so bloody lonely that I talk non stop to DD who is my only connection to the world. I'm now trying to expand my world so I have more people to chat to but it's hard as nobody wants to chat anymore. Can you discuss trying to find a joint hobby with lots of other people in it as a start?

I would talk to him first so he can’t argue you never told him. Then I would put a finger to my mouth and say shush, or the Oprah zip mime, look away and go do something else, every time. I had an aunt who did this but lucky for me it was on a family visit to Australia so didn’t have to put up with it back in the UK. She talked at me in a droning monologue my whole visit, I’d never come across anything like that before. To have it every day would be unbearable 😬

Your DH is giving me Uncle Colm from Derry Girls vibes 😯

@earsringing
Have you tried just telling him to shut up ?
Perhaps get your DC to tell him as well.

Both WFH must make it worse. Back in the day he would be droning on at his colleagues & you would be with other people at work. So it would be far less intense. He obviously needs an audience. I think there are lot of men like this. Does he not have a hobby to get him out the house? This is with golf, cycling or whatever come in useful. If he was at a place of work & then out doing his hobby at weekends it would be far more bearable.

I don’t think I could live with someone like this & also WFH too. It’s far too intense.

He sounds like the annoying uncle in Derry Girls…

I know a man like that and it’s intense. But if the relationship is otherwise good then: Definitely bring it up before you LTB!

Tell him, if he wants to keep the relationship this needs to change.

If it’s hard for him to break the monologue-ing habit I’d wave a ladle, saying this is the talking stick and who has it is allowed to speak. Maybe that could work?