AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my husband's constant monologuing?

[earsringing]

Anyone else deal with this? Hubby monologuing. Constantly, all day, every day.

It's a stream-of-consciousness - literally everything he is thinking, re-enacting entire conversations he has had (pretending to do the voice of the other person too), things he must remember tomorrow, various ailments, stupid drivers, how hot/cold he is, huffing, puffing, groaning, humming, whistling. It is incessant, repetitive, there are no gaps, and I realise that I plan my life around trying to get breaks from it.

He is always trying to get me to react too "what do you think of this?" "do you like that?" and I HAVE to agree with whatever it is. A quick "yes" or "ok" from me and he's back to it. It's like he's checking that I am still paying close attention.

Thing, is, I feel completely lost here. Everything is about him, his plans, his headache, his sunburn, his job. There isn't a moment for me. If I do speak, I can get roughly half a sentence out before he tells me "I know that already" or "that reminds me of a time when I .......", or how he's done it better or knows better ... and bam we are back to him again.

I might be peri - I might be over-sensitive? But I am forgetting who "I" am. I feel like I just don't matter anymore, because he is so great and wonderful and interesting and has done everything just far more brilliantly than anyone else. He has lost all sight of me being a person with my own thoughts and opinions (which - shock - might be different from his sometimes!). Arggghhhh. What can I do? I feel like I am going mad.

Asked my husband who occasionally I've overheard talking to himself in the shower and he agrees with many of you that it's quite extreme autism. He's formulating what he could've done and would've done better in different situations

Very long distance!

Get some earphones to listen to music around the house. If you can't hear him he'll eventually notice and stop monologuing?

There are women who naturally do this: can’t distinguish between their own views and others, can’t read a room, don’t know when to shut up.

But women tend to have it knocked out of them by the time they reach adulthood (or learn how to mask), because society is very intolerant of opinionated women but tolerates and even encourages opinionated men.

So a middle age man who is prone to this sort of solipsistic monologue will likely have been indulged all his life and just won’t realise how tedious it is, particularly if his wife or partner makes excuses.

I had a boyfriend like this in my 20s who used to do this and was particularly bad when he was drinking. One night after the pub we reassembled at mine with my flatmates and one of my (female) flatmates got sick of it and just lost it with him, telling him he was a narcissist and would scare everyone off throughout his life if he didn’t tone it down.

He was absolutely crushed, ran out of the room crying and refused ever to set foot in my house again. We split up not long after that, he hooked up with a girl who was about ten years younger. It was pathetic at one level but I also realised in that moment no one had ever told him before it was boring and selfish. I almost felt sorry for him.

We don’t do them (our ourselves) any favours by allowing these men to carry on like this.

Oh god OP, I feel your pain.

I'm afraid I just don't listen, it's too exhausting being asked for your opinion 24/7. Shall I go for a bike ride or mow the lawn? I think I might clean the coffee machine this morning, what do you think?

I. Don't. Fucking. Care!

Do they? That's really intriguing. Which ones?

That’s very kind but for me it was one of things that once seen never forgotten 😊
And great info to share too

Yes! I was trying to think of a TV character who reminded me of this DH, and it was the dreaded Uncle Colm!

Though it was funny how he deployed his brain-deadening monologuing to get the inspector to drop the case against the girls! 😂

Yes, boys/men get away with it, girls/women don't.

But men/boys can be trained too. My sister had an ADHD bf who could talk the leg off a donkey. It was often interesting but sometimes too much, and he would realise it when people started looking away or not responding. He'd apologise and stop (although you could see it was an effort for him sometimes). My sister said his mother told her that when he was a kid, he sometimes talked so much that he actually fell unconscious from lack of air!

I guess in his case, the mother had to intervene before the kid gave himself brain damage 🙂

I'm just fascinated by this thread as I'm the talkative one in my marriage. I've been told I'm a good listener but I do worry a bit and sometimes notice he's zoning out.

I'm sort of making a mental note of what people are most irritated by on this thread... I don't talk to myself for example as some pp's report. I don't talk about work daily (maybe once a month or something), and rarely talk about politics and suchlike. But I do repeat an anecdote without realising. And I've occasionally been told by a colleague "sorry can't chat right now, too busy" (maybe happens once a month or so).

If I didn't chitchat at home, my dh would never initiate conversation though and we'd be trappist monks!

Really useful thread

Talking at you, monologuing, narrating everyday life and unable to see things from your point of view?

I'd be seriously wondering about ASD.

But I never ever make non-verbal noises like humming, whistling, groaning or huffing or even heavy treading. I absolutely hate noises like that to the point of misophonia and just couldn't live with a dh who did. My dad used to, hurrumph and stomp around and slam his keys onto the table etc. You'd hear him come all the way down the stairs, stomp stomp stomp.

My DM said (jokingly) that one of the reasons she divorced my dad (apart from the adultery, controllingness and money-wasting etc) was the way he had to say out loud whatever "interesting thought" he had, including the dream he'd had that night, and he'd even sometimes wake her up in the night if he couldn't sleep, to talk through something worrying him, and she just wanted him to piss off and let her sleep.

She told us this in front of my now-dh who cracked up because I am like that too. Oh dear

I had a dad like this. Back then we had no idea about ADHD, Asperger's so we said he was a pompous ass.

My younger brother showed all the signs rocking in his cot, late walking, non verbal until he was three. Didn't fit in at school. Went into the army for seven years. Came out did a degree, masters, PhD. He still missed social cues but married a lovely woman that marriage was a disaster. His second wife is brilliant in her field and loves him. She's Chinese though and seems to have a handle on him .

He accidentally left me a voicemail (dialled me while driving) and it was a rant about effing selfish drivers, cars the size of an effing house, and then a weird commentary on a young man he’d seen being well built with a winning smile, until the message ran out of time
Oh please, I'm begging you, share the whole message!!!
I'm sobbing in a corner and you have finished me off-I can't go through the rest of my life not knowing!!! 😂
FWIW, I was with someone who started talking at you the second he got in,didn't realise that his phone calls were often not heard as you could put the phone down and then pick it up again 5 minutes later only to hear him in full flow and who, in person, would rewind to the start of a monologue if anyone interrupted him. And who would re-enact whole meetings doing different "personas"- some falsely cheery, some low pitched and guttural and the worst were the 10 minute silences where you were desparate to stop listening outside the door to go for a wee, only to jump out of your skin when he shouted variations on "I did no such thing"/"I take exception to that statement"/"I don't care for your tone and, best of all, "I'VE BEEN VERY PATIENT"
I think I knew there was a bit of a problem when he started to get a strange glint in his eye, lean forwards and be bristling with excitement as he prepared to nod in all the wrong places before leaping in to reume his previous soliloquy. That and the pretend chewing gum mouth he did when he was trying to model active listening.

It isn't always this, but this is very, very common in autism. Difficulties in understanding the social context, difficulties in remembering the social proprieties (eg turn-taking), hyper-focus, self-absorption. One of my DC can be a bit like this, though less extremely so. They're AuDHD.

My DH often comes in the front door cussing out loud about something. I used to go into flight mode before I realised it was not directed at me but something that had happened before he got home

It's bizarre the way he thinks out loud.

It can be a form of self soothing, talking through everything from thread to needle. It can make the verbaliser feel more in control and it can also be excitement and hyperfocus on the situation. For example if talking about a topic that is a special interest for example. My middle son is 14 and autistic. He often offloads onto me after a school day as he’s had to mask all day. Usually home is a safe place to do this, hence the chatty bit, but may behave completely differently in other settings. Imagine them putting their anxiety in a jar all day and the slowly pouring it out to get rid of it at home. Sometimes calm, sometimes comes out aggressively. I can only speak for my own situation, but this is what happens in our house. My youngest is 10 and autistic either a learning delay and he attends a specialist school. Both of them also have PDA traits . It’s a learning curve, for sure. 😅

One of my grandchildren has ADHD he stayed over last night. Went off walking with the dogs this morning with his Papa as he calls grandpa. They spent the morning together.

He said the sweetest thing to DH. I love staying with you because you get me. Papa I think you're like me. Never a truer word spoken. Two generations of ADHD 66 years between them.

I’m also the talkative one in my partnership and my OH is quiet (sometimes to the point of being antisocial although I am often very grateful for it). My OH is a tolerant and kind person so he would never in a million years tell me to shut up but he has sometimes obliquely got across to me that he’s heard stuff before. I’m sure he sometimes thinks I’m a chatterbox.

I am someone who is by temperament a bit of a gobshite and who had to learn the hard way that allowing a stream of consciousness from your brain into the environment is usually boring and selfish and will eventually push people away. Its basically social survival to learn this as a woman if you want to have friends or a relationship.

There’s no reason men can’t learn it too, they just choose not to. They have been raised by mothers who indulge it, they tend to push away male peers who could help them learn about appropriate ways to bond and they go on to choose partners who they know are unlikely to challenge them so the hideous circle perpetuates itself.

Get yourself a pair of honking big noise canceling headphones. Put them on in the morning. Leave them on all day.

Don't answer his calls if he's out/ on the road.

Start looking for a new job, one that requires workplace hours, and that will pay you enough to leave.

Neither you nor your teens deserve this.

Meantime, record him monologuing for a sample hour, so you can remind yourself of what you've escaped from when you leave, and to illustrate what you're dealing with, in case you think couples therapy might have a chance.

But in your shoes, I'd be doing whatever it took to get the heck out of there permanently.

He should not do this. Is there a garage or a shed he could use as his venting space? Your home is a sanctuary for you too.