AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my husband's constant monologuing?

[earsringing]

Anyone else deal with this? Hubby monologuing. Constantly, all day, every day.

It's a stream-of-consciousness - literally everything he is thinking, re-enacting entire conversations he has had (pretending to do the voice of the other person too), things he must remember tomorrow, various ailments, stupid drivers, how hot/cold he is, huffing, puffing, groaning, humming, whistling. It is incessant, repetitive, there are no gaps, and I realise that I plan my life around trying to get breaks from it.

He is always trying to get me to react too "what do you think of this?" "do you like that?" and I HAVE to agree with whatever it is. A quick "yes" or "ok" from me and he's back to it. It's like he's checking that I am still paying close attention.

Thing, is, I feel completely lost here. Everything is about him, his plans, his headache, his sunburn, his job. There isn't a moment for me. If I do speak, I can get roughly half a sentence out before he tells me "I know that already" or "that reminds me of a time when I .......", or how he's done it better or knows better ... and bam we are back to him again.

I might be peri - I might be over-sensitive? But I am forgetting who "I" am. I feel like I just don't matter anymore, because he is so great and wonderful and interesting and has done everything just far more brilliantly than anyone else. He has lost all sight of me being a person with my own thoughts and opinions (which - shock - might be different from his sometimes!). Arggghhhh. What can I do? I feel like I am going mad.

just tell him to stfu. I would

@pouletvous it doesn't go down too well when I do do that.

He experiences his monologues as a need - he's self-soothing, I think. And feels very hurt and rejected when I change the subject. He says I'm not being caring, not showing any interest in him and his life, I don't understand the stress he is under, am implying that he's stupid or boring etc etc.

There isn't a simple fix where they figure out the error of the ways and just stop.

Exactly.

It’s interesting how WFH has upset a many marriages. When people were in offices their social battery was often much depleted by the time they got home. Not so when you’re just at home under one another’s feet constantly.

I would feel suffocated if I thought that was how my life was going to be; second best to my husband forever. Get out now.

Sounds intolerable to me. I’d be making a 5 year plan at this rate.

COVID lockdowns destroyed many marriages too.

Loop earplugs or noise cancelling headphones. But seriously I couldn’t put up with that either.

Put a recorder on and record him for an hour. Then make him listen to the replay.

Buy yourself headphones.

What about being completely honest ask if he is happy tell him you're not.
You need to do some things just for you that you need space maybe separate bedrooms and separate lives if you can't afford to go your separate ways lots of people do this x

Yeah he’s ND, sounds like both Autism and ADHD, the autistic side being the in depth detailed account of conversations, he said, then she said, then I said…now I’m doing this and going there. It’s very descriptive and factual.
The ADHD side is the more hyperactive, talking over people, trying to get one up on you all time.
It sounds exhausting, DH can be the ADHD side, especially in company. You can’t run away and hide from all the though, finding excuses to leave the house isn’t sustainable forever is it.

Sounds like Colin the Energy Vampire, from What We Do In The Shadows

Lots of guys I know are like that. Particularly the ones with high pressure jobs. Love my DH but often have to steer conversations back to the instigator when he hijacks them. Always put him right afterwards when we’re on our own. Took a while for him to take this in the good natured manner it’s meant. I’m also not a stranger to the sentence not now darling!. Nobody is perfect

Hi op sounds awful peri won’t be helping but don’t agree to everything and every now and then call him out on his rudeness say hey I wasn’t finished speaking or can you give your mouth a break my head hurts or can you work in a office because being together a lot would cause issues especially if he gets on your nerves. Don’t accept it op.

Get rid k ow your worth

My dh can be like that at times but not all of the time otherwise he'd be under the patio by now. I have had one hour car journeys where it's constant regarding his driving to the point I can't tell him he's taken a wrong turning as he won't shut the fuck up! I just look out the window and think about something completely different. I switch off.
It's exhausting and draining. I try to switch off. If he's looking at me during conversations like these, I make sure I don't nod as this just encourages him to continue. He also doesn't like it if I disagree with his opinion. I just tell him that is my opinion, it's different to his but that it doesn't make either of us right or wrong, just different. He doesn't like it but I refuse to agree to keep the peace.

It's stressful at these times but in your position I don't know how I'd cope. Sorry that's not of much help. Meditation might help you and you could always say you don't want to be disturbed whilst you're doing it. This will give you some peace in the least.

Noise cancelling headphones, if he complains tell him they are staying put unless he quietens down, if you can't afford to leave then you have to find an effective way to block him out, even if it's only for short breaks

DH does this. It makes me feel quite unwell sometimes. Like I have no headspace at all.

He's diagnosed with autism now.

It makes it hard to spend an evening with him because there's just no space for me to think my own thoughts (let alone articulate them).
He's kind hearted but I just can't cope that he has to verbalise every single passing thought

Like if he is shopping for something online he will verbalise every single step he takes and thing he looks about and thinks about. Whereas I would hunt around and narrow things down then maybe ask his opinion/tell him if I found a bargain

Or after he has spoken to his dad on speaker phone he will then retell and go over every single bit of the conversation

He means well. But my brain feels like it is going to explode sometimes

DH works in an open plan office all day and is still like this

A friend has similar - she just says “it’s my quiet time now”

My husband is like this. He voices everything that crosses his mind. A constant flow especially on a long drive. Pointing things out, explaining when the last time he drove down this road. Many, many things that anyone else would just think, to themselves, without having to voice it. Unimportant things.

I've explained to him that it sometimes drives me nuts, it's really wearing and have got him to promise that if I ask him to be quiet for a while he won't take the hump, just stay in his own head for half an hour. I daresay he finds it difficult but he does make an effort, bless him.

Always put him right afterwards when we’re on our own. Took a while for him to take this in the good natured manner it’s meant

If I'm in close proximity I will give dh a gentle prod that others can't see. He knows that means give someone else a chance. He doesn't take it badly, he knows he talks too much.

My MIL is like this, every conversation winds right round to her every single time. Exhausting. She’s lovely but lives alone so you get a weeks worth of conversation in a few hours.

I just wouldn’t marry someone like this. If it’s a change just tell him to shut up and give you some peace so you can think your own thoughts not listen to his

He sounds like a boring blowhard!

He sounds very selfish. It's time for you to be selfish too. Tell him (as gently as possible) that this total lack of self awareness has become too much for you, that you can't possibly agree with him all the time and that you need him to stop articulating every single thought he has.

Record him for a day and play it back to him, loudly! Let him know how it makes you feel.
Or ... do your own incessant monologue, louder than his, then let him know how you feel. If you don't say something how the hell is he to know? But personally, I'd rather rip my own face off than suffer this self righteous bullshit for years to come